Alyssa GregoryTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
“It’s become very apparent to me,” began Craige Defore, a recent contributor to Student Libel’s opinion pages, “that the anti-war protesters aren’t only stupid, they’re also scared. They know we could take ’em, mano-a-mano.”
He may have a point; at least two college-age (?) boy scouts, clad in near-military uniforms, were seen holding pro-war signs in the quad last Thursday. Armed with the assistance of the Washington Witness’ gun lobby, the pro-war folks on campus, even if vastly outnumbered, might pose a credible military force.
The kicker, of course, is that the College Libertarians are strongly against Curious George’s war. They might help the peaceniks fight the good fight. Wait, a contradiction! The anti-war folks taking arms? It could happen. Peterpan L. Joness, anti-war e-mail guru extraordinaire, explains: “There is a growing body of people in the peace movement who believe violence is the answer. A recent column by Getyourfax Straightalexis inspired those of us who think rallies are boring. A better anti-war strategy, I propose, would be for students to bomb ROTC buildings.” Touch‚? Henrietta Berger of the history department might want to bring Howard “Zinn” Mechanismo back to campus for a comment.
The mechanics of a “let’s settle this once and for all” deathmatch aside, I think a battle between pro- and anti-folks is long overdue. Think about it. No more back-and-forth spray-painting of Olin Library walls. More space on the opinion pages for columns about important issues, like the box guy or dating. Best of all, Washington University would have an event to replace the annual “World War III Party,” cancelled for 2002-2003 by administrators who believe there are too many good parties on this campus, and one more is unnecessary. Admit it, sorority girls aren’t the only ones who’d “go commando” to the “Clash in Clayton,” the “Rumble in Wrighton’s Residence,” or the “Melee in Mallinckrodt.”
The pro-war folks like my idea. A Sigmu Alphi Epsillyon pledge, fresh from another lesson on “how to treat a lady,” accounts for his war-mongering: “At first, I thought the best way to ‘support the troops’ was to back the policies of a Secretary of Defense who never served in the military. But then it occurred to me; several of my family members are currently deployed in Iraq. I should ‘support them’ not only by making sure they have numerous opportunities to die, but also by kicking some anti-war butt back home.” A friend on his floor adds, “The ‘strategery’ in this conflict has been impressive. As in Vietnam, I know the United States expected to deploy another 100,000 troops less than two weeks into the conflict.” But Kevin Amion Vallium, the token College Libertarian, snickers, “Republicans never trust the government in peacetime. Why is it they must hug John Ashcroft during war?”
For their part, anti-war students have come to realize that diplomacy has failed and campus warfare may now be appropriate. Lucifer Biederman, editor of the Southpaw and a budding lyricist in her own right, explains, “After what happened in New York, students and faculty came together to form the September 11th Coalition for Peace and Justice. We held discussions. Forums. Meetings. More discussions. And forums. And, yes, more meetings. But the pro-war students never attended our events. What the f–?”
The last ditch effort by Chancellor Marky “could I be more silent on this issue” Righton aside, Lucy has a point. One that may apply to Mr. (“President,” she reminds us, “is not a term I’ll use for a fellow who received less votes than his opponent”) Bush as well. She claims to have been tremendously impressed with George’s diplomacy. Like Roosevelt, who traveled to Yalta (across the Atlantic!) in a wheelchair, the Texas cowboy has made several international trips to convince our “oops, did I upset you about the Kyoto Treaty on global warming and my multibillion dollar plan for national missile defense” allies. Actually, she really thinks he may have left his Texas ranch. Once. Stop mad cowboy disease, indeed.
God, of course, is on our side. Whose side? Well, major world ministries-and the Pope-have come out against the war. But born again George Bush claims the religious high ground. My gut instinct is that there is much religious comment, but little clarity, on this issue. People find what they want to see in scripture. And if they don’t? They ignore the facts, or rename the operation. Sound familiar? Try “Operation American Oil.”
Anti-war musician Bruce Springsteen (can Fox “News” really accuse him of being un-American, he signs “Born in the USA” for crying out loud) and pro-war tough guy Arnold Schwarzenegger (he’ll “be back”) would make wonderful assembly series guests. They could also headline a celebrity deathmatch on campus between pro- and anti-war students. Such an event would put an end to this silly activism at WU-I prefer apathy, don’t you? And it would give students a means to release aggression in anticipation of finals. Who’s with me? Pro- and anti-war folks both, please join in. Regime change, you understand, begins at home!