All of my adoring fans out there, and those “haters” who christened me “that porn guy,” will probably remember the prediction I made at the beginning of the year in my column about online file sharing. The restrictions on it prevented me from finding digital companionship (read: porn) and I was pretty lonely.
I predicted that the odds of me finding female companionship before Christ-mas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa vacation were about the same as my hometown heroes, the Kansas City Chiefs, have of making the Super Bowl. As of today, the Chiefs are 6-6 and are ranked last in the AFC West. Well, I can only wish I had 50-50 luck with the fine fine ladies here.
As we all know, dating at WU is practically non-existent. Most people here consider themselves too busy to invest time in a relationship with another person. I consider Thanksgiving the two-minute warning of the fall semester, and I decided that I needed to kick it up a notch and find a girl. When I need advice, I always turn to Student Life because it’s cool like that. I picked up a copy and saw an article on online dating. (“Students shy away from online dating,” Nov. 22). When I read what freshman Ethan Arpi said, I knew that I was gonna score. “If someone can’t get a date normally, it seems to me they will go online to get one.” Good advice from a true pimp.
When I got back to my crib, I poured myself some Remy Martin XO, put on some Easy E, and started lookin’ for a shorty. The first place I checked out was www.match.com. I clicked the buttons indicating that I was a “male,” looking for a “female” aged 18-22, near the zip code 63105. I made sure I checked the “Photos Only” box so I could get a good look at my future honey because postage stamp size photos really give people a good idea of how hot you are.
Shakespeare once said: “O! learn to read what silent love hath writ.” I wonder what he would say in response to the following topic sentences that I ran across. These are 100 percent real, not even in my worst drunken stupor-of which there have been many-could I have written this whack:
“if you like ghetto im your girl”
According to the American Heritage Dictionary, when used as an adjective, “ghetto” means “something that resembles the restriction or isolation of a city ghetto.” I guess if you are dirty, scary, and dangerous to enter at night, you could call yourself “ghetto.” I think I’ll pass.
“thick lil mama from da stl”
F. Scott Fitzgerald said that “the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” While trying to comprehend a “thick,” “little” person, I blew a fuse and decided to get a beer and watch “The Simpsons.” I quickly recovered.
“Good Woman Looking”
I think it’s my duty as an abuser of the English language to offer this girl some advice. Just by switching the order of the words and, therefore, not really lying, she could become a “Good Looking Woman.” I’m sure she’d get a lot more favorable responses.
“Psych Student wants to Shrink Your…”
I’m a little bit intrigued, but my little bit is a lot scared. (Don’t worry, ladies, it’s actually quite large, but if I had written that the pun wouldn’t have worked).
“Id Rather Be a Lesbian :)”
My favorite one.
“*** ArE U THaT SPeciAL SoMeOnE THat…”
That what? That can fix your keyboard? I’ve got a friend who is big into computers and could probably help you, but unless you’re an animated Japanese cartoon character in a sailor’s outfit, he probably wouldn’t be interested in you.
After about an hour of pretty much the same stuff, I became quite depressed. Thank God I hadn’t bet on myself in Vegas, though winning a bet that you’re a dork isn’t as comforting as I had thought. Not to worry, loyal readers: I just received an e-mail informing me that Russian women want to meet me. Kick ass.