Pre-Frosh. Prospie. PF.
Dress it up with euphemisms all you like, but you can never obscure the evil that emanates from the whole debacle of hosting of prospective freshmen. Continually, I find that Washington University is plagued by undergraduate wannabes who wear fa‡ades of eagerness that thinly veil their malevolence. Thus, I propose to enumerate the various forms these nefarious freeloaders can take during their sinful sojourns on our campus and in our rooms.
Prospective freak. There is noticeably no screening process, no system of checks and balances, that ensures our safety as emissaries. For all we know, these kids could be crazed killers or maniacal kleptomaniacs, and they are unleashed upon unwitting, open-armed students. Who is to say that these people are not going to murder or sexually harass me while I am unsuspectingly slumbering (if I can even achieve that-see below)? I just hope that “raging psychopath” is a good enough reason to cite when evaluating why a “PF” should not be considered for admission to WU. In fact, there could be a network of individuals who move from campus to campus-like licentious locusts-seeking out lodging and free meals at the expense of a kindly ambassador’s meal points plan.
Prospective foe. Much is to be said for the personality disorders present in so many of the pernicious parasites that come each year. With intention, they alienate our friends and loved ones with their cool demeanors and unwillingness to facilitate friendly conversation. They come chock full of attitude and spite-and why, we do not know. They shoot looks of death for reasons mysterious to us and then expect that we will still embrace them despite their apparent disdain. By one account, one of these individuals was taken by an ambassador to “hang out” in a friend’s room during that said ambassador’s class. When introduced to this friend, the “PF” (names have been changed to protect the. wait, I would not put “innocent” and “PF” in the same sentence) simply replied, “Oh.” He then proceeded to stare blankly at a wall for several hours in a comatose state that belied the criminal currents that ran violently through him.
Prospective folly. Forget visiting educational institutions. These kids should be taking a trip to their local Alcoholics and/or Narcotics Anonymous meeting. These lushes and druggies clearly are legal liabilities. The story of a PF violently convulsing after a night of binge drinking and god-knows-what has become all too common. They claim they are still testing out their “limits,” but I think that the only appropriate limits would be the restraints of a crisp white bed in a sanitarium. We must not confuse their wide eyes for excitement about the possibilities of the future: they are merely motivated by an insatiable need to join the conga line to the veritable buffet of beer and the like that they believe the “college life” promises them. The silly fools probably think that it is some sort of honor to be the target of a “fist full of fives” call. I’d like to give them a fist, but one that isn’t full of fives-that’s for sure.
Prospective frustration. When I hear from my roommate that a PF will be residing in my domain, a few words come to mind: horror, headache, and homicide. I have now come to expect a lack of sleep whenever my room will be subjected to the likes of a bizarre boarder. Just recently, a child who was possibly the world’s most terrible sleeper was shacked up on my futon for a night. Oh sure, it all started out just peachy, with his unwashed and unkempt hair contaminating the coordinating pillows I had bought just weeks prior. It was fine, of course, until the whimpering began-a whimpering that begat a moan, which begat a banshee-like cry. All of this was accompanied by relentless ramblings that pertained to dreams that even Sigmund Freud would not dare analyze. I drew the line at his random outburst (at 4:23 in the morning) of “Give me the Cocoa Puffs experience!” I mean, honestly, was this kid serious? I was moved not only to sedate him but also to see to it that he never get a letter from WU that resembled anything other than “We regret to inform you..”
Prospective friend. Maybe, though, I am overlooking the possibility that somewhere amidst the endless barrage of bad eggs, there exists a PF or two that is worthy of respect and a positive recommendation. Yes, perhaps somewhere in this infinite universe there exists such a being-the sort of person with whom we would normally associate.
Preposterous foolishness, you say? Possibly (un)feasible, you scoff? Please. The chances are about as likely as my little cereal killer receiving a good reference: plainly fantasy.