To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Yo listen up, B-Real be here to spit some A-Game in ya’ good ear cause there be some bitches up in this university that be actin’ crazy this time uh year, and B-Real here just can’t take it no more.
There’s so much kickback to being a pimp I don’t think people give me the credit i deserve. First, what the fuck was with that three sority formals on the same night last week bullshit? Look, call me next time. This brother gets sheduled around, you know what I’m sayin’? If you want the freshmeister to roll up in yo’ formal and turn the dance floor loose, you know you can’t be the same night at the Pi Phi’s, and you know this! Those girls know how to throw down. Pitchers as party favors-that’s all I gotta say.
And on the topic of the dancing, y’all bithces need to be rolling to some new spots round here. If I wanted to see the same
people at the same bar dancing every Wednesday, I’d throw my own party and play the freshest beats. It is time to go East or something honey cause your moves is old. If you aren’t consitstently going home with someone every night from Laclede’s, you are not doing your job, so move along.
But the worst think ’bout being a pimp is lookin’ at all the weak-ass styles other dudes be rockin’ at this school. Ladies: if you see a man who rocks more product in his hair than you do, wears Abercrombie and Fitch warm-up pants, or white tennis shoes at any time, do not entertain his wak jokes. He ain’t funny.
And for the big whoppa’, everybody jokes about it, but that shit is for real: the people here are not attractive. Now, I know that is old bitchin’, but all I’m asking is that you try. Two words: make up. Five more words: carful with the tight pants. Yes, some girls look good in them; it would be a hasty generalization to think that therefore you look good in them. Go with somethin’ low cut to show a brotehr a preview to the movie but let me get some gin in me before you show me the junk in the trunk!
And tell the UCPD to get out my my grill. So you smelled some “suspicious smoke?” You didn’t send the fire department! I love my tobacco water pipe. Now get the fuck out my apartment before I kick yo ass down the step.