With formal courtship rules no longer applicable in our society, and in particular, in the context of Washington University’s non-existent dating culture as so accurately described in Yoni Cohen’s piece “The Dating Game,” (Fri. Sept 28), many of us experience a search for the ideal mate marked by confusion.
If I were to ask my fellow Student Life editor Mr. Cohen to meet up to discuss his “dating progress,” he would undoubtedly wonder about my intentions. In turn, his response would be guided by his assessment of my invitation: would he think that I’m simply up for a casual conversation with a friend or would he worry that I’m looking for some romance? In an atmosphere where hanging out with members of either gender is the norm, such ambiguities may stand in the way of what could otherwise have evolved into a fulfilling friendship.
The dynamics of courtship have changed significantly since the time when guys used to call before Wednesday to land a Saturday night dinner. Sure, we possess a certain sense of what the gender roles should encompass, but these lines are becoming increasingly blurred. Several of my guy friends have mentioned that they no longer enjoy being the sole pursuer in the dating game. They prefer confident, assertive girls who are willing to bear the risk of rejection. They don’t think that it’s solely the male’s job to do circles around the apartment in a desperate attempt to release nervous energy before popping the ever- important question, “would you like to hang out some time?” The question itself, in turn, poses the uncertainty of how to interpret “hanging out.” Are we hanging out? Are we hanging out out? Without well-defined dating rituals, both men and women remain inadvertently confused.
Instead of giving a girl a bouquet of flowers, the guy nowadays hands his target for the night an ice cold can of Bud. Similarly disturbing is that the “modern” date usually ends with the girl quietly sneaking out of a fraternity house, dorm or a library study room to embark on the infamous walk of shame. The after-math of the hook-up leads to the question of who should call and when. Although being in a serious relationship my first two years in college, I did not encounter these games first-hand, I have many times been the shoulder to friends who never got the call after the standard two-day waiting period.
The university dating scene nationwide perpetuates the standard of un-commitment. We are told college provides the most opportune time to experiment before the reigns of marriage tie us down. To discover the traits we value in a romantic partner, we are encouraged to embrace experiences with many different people. In this context, we create countless obstacles to entering a relationship. Many are afraid to ruin a friendship. Others worry about time. With long summer breaks, semesters when the significant other may study abroad, and the uncertainty of seniors’ whereabouts the following year, many forego starting a relationship or break up at the thought of carrying out a long-distance romance.
Perhaps it was the sexual revolution of the 1960s that fueled today’s dating perplexities. Our parents’ generation fought for free love in an era when sexuality was neither expressed nor discussed. Thanks to their efforts, we grew up in an atmosphere that perpetuated sexual freedom and equality. Our generation was introduced to talking openly about sexual terminology at a time when most of us had only a vague notion of what it all meant. Even when we didn’t know what sex was, we still knew more than our parents did at the same age. Now we face different challenges. Relationship experts suggest that many women today consider “hooking up” as merely the continuation of the sexual revolution, allowing them to act more like men. But despite a number of females content with the trend of short-lived romantic escapades, for the majority, emotions are too closely linked to these experiences. In a recent study executed by the Independent Women’s Forum, 60% of the women said that “hooking up” made them feel desirable, but over 2/3 reported feeling awkward and confused.
For many girls and (some) guys, after hooking up, the longing for companion is usually not fulfilled. Many people are certainly satisfied with the freedom of single-hood and the option to partake in the no-strings attached encounters, but those of us willing to commit find it difficult in an atmosphere where taking it slow brands one a prude and conceding too quickly stifles future curiosity.
So what to make of our tarnished relationship quests? Part of our four-year adventure involves learning about the world, ourselves, and each other. While our hook-up culture will doubtfully change in the near future, we can individually alter our dating patterns. It doesn’t have to be a one-night stand vs. a stifling attachment. With a little bit of honesty and a dash of courage, you could establish the recipe for a healthy medium.