Dan DaranciangThe recent debate about tolerance in Student Life cries out for a bigger solution than bickering. As the editorial staff stated, we need to “End tolerance of homophobia now.” In this week of multi-colored banners, I would like to offer my own plan to carry out a crusade for tolerance that reflects Student Life reader suggestions made over the last couple weeks. Below, I outline three steps to purge the campus of homophobia and three steps to ensure it stays pure.
1. Fire Homophobic Professors – We should follow through on sophomore Matt Adler’s demand to fire Professor Katz for the following reason: Matt feels uncomfortable (Oct. 7, 2005 edition, pg. 6). I’m willing to support Mr. Adler’s demand, not only because he is gay, but because firing people who think homosexuality is immoral will send a powerful message. Much like a public execution, firing a couple homophobic professors will send a clear message that they had better toe the tolerance line, or else. Great suggestion Matt! I hope you are feeling more comfortable already.
I recommend that editorial writer Jeff Stepp judge, convict and brand as homophobic anyone who says homosexuality is immoral since he is 1 for 1 in identifying homophobes. He can manage a homophobe watch list for the campus.
2. Delete Homophobic Essays and Documents – We need to delete homophobic essays from Web sites. But we can’t stop there. You may not realize it, but there are plenty of homophobic writings in our own libraries. Many religious texts such as the Torah, the Bible, and other books must be purged from the libraries because they contain passages against homosexuality. Some secular books must also be deleted. In Plato’s Laws, for example, the character known as the Athenian states, “But homosexual intercourse and lesbianism seem to be unnatural crimes of the first rank and are committed because men and women cannot control their desire for pleasure” (636c). Sorry Plato. Even if this statement is out of character for you, if professors and students can’t say it, then you can’t.
I recommend we “delete” the books that don’t support our tolerance agenda, just as we delete online essays. By “delete,” I mean we need to get rid of them forever. If we give them away or throw them out, they may spread homophobia. I recommend a huge fire. After all, what is a fire to a book but a big, hot delete key? It’s all bits and bytes whether in cyberspace or in heat and ash. (I love the smell of Leviticus in the morning.)
3. Expel Homophobic Students – We need to find homophobic students and expel them. All class papers should be submitted to a newly created Tolerance Enforcement Council. The Council will examine paper topics, writing style, and penmanship to find homophobes. Also, all classes must require essays on why homophobia is wrong. If a student refuses to write the essay, he or she will be expelled. Continuous monitoring of classes by cameras will also help identify intolerant students.
Once the purging of intolerant people and documents is complete, we must protect our hard-won tolerance using these three additional steps.
1. Reject Homophobic Faculty Candidates – Search committees can use publications and teaching experience to find top faculty, but the litmus test for hiring is not being a homophobe. Every interview will start with, “So, are you a homophobe?” Candidates who ask questions such as, “Do you support academic freedom?” “Does a guy named Katz still work here?” and “Do you mind that I have conservative views?” reveal signs of intolerance.
2. Reject Homophobic Students – The Wash. U. application will now include a mandatory essay entitled, “Why I am not a homophobe.” Homophobes will self-select themselves out as soon as they read the question. Others, however, will need to be discovered in other ways. I recommend lie-detector tests for prospective students. “It is only a formality,” we will tell them as we strap the electrodes to their arms. Enrollment may decline, but this is the price we pay for maintaining a tolerant environment.
3. Move out of Missouri, or Reeducate Missourians – Missouri is a rather homophobic state as evidenced by the 75% plus support of the anti-gay-marriage amendment. To have a tolerant campus, we probably need to move the university to Amsterdam or Sweden. However, moving would be difficult, even though the library will be several thousand books lighter. Instead, we will request that the Missouri government set-up re-education centers for homophobic citizens. Ideally, we could save money and personnel by transporting these people to central locations using trains. At these Toleration Camps, we can re-educate citizens. Armed guards, attack dogs, and razor-wire may be needed to secure the camps.
I look forward to implementing this six point plan with others who want to eliminate intolerance. Soon we can boldly proclaim to the 12 incoming freshman next year that we are definitely “The Most Tolerant School in the World.”
David is a graduate student in Arts & Sciences.