Rachel TepperCountrymen and patriots, brothers and sisters, let one truth be known: We are at war with a barbarous people. Under the cover of darkness, with masks donned and paint buckets brandished, Emory University launched a cowardly, unprovoked attack. With the callous disregard so common among their kind, Emory’s vanguard force defaced a prized landmark and dishonored our unimpeachable womenfolk. Worse still, they questioned the enduring mortality of our guiding spirit, George Washington. It is a day, dear patriots, which will live in infamy.
And now, there is a cancer in the body politic. Without consultation with the representatives of Emory’s Student Government Association, SGA President Amrit Dhir has dissolved the legislature and unilaterally declared himself “supreme leader.” As Emory’s campus paper reported, Dhir, flanked by 14 thugs from his newly formed Department of War, told the assembly, “Your services are no longer needed. Democracy can do nothing for us now.”
This, needless to say, is a transgression of the highest order. Mr. Dhir’s coup is a brazen strike against our country’s very fabric. He has dealt a menacing blow to the principles of self-determinism, rule of law and the institution of democracy itself. He has helped Emory University to forever sever their tenuous ties with civility; he has-and I’m sure I’m not overstating this-given a face to evil. And like the many strongmen and monarchs that have challenged our great Nation, he, too, shall fall.
So I say to you: ready your rifle, put the young ones to bed, and steel yourself against the coming storm. We are a University at war, and bloody though it may be, we will not be denied victory.
And yet as I write this, as I gather rations and buy gunpowder in bulk, I am peppered by the questions of doubters and criticisms of naysayers.
“Who really cares about a rivalry?” offers one soldier-turned-traitor. “Take the high road” says another who hasn’t the stomach for bloodshed. As I affix my gleaming bayonet and slowly adjust to this ridiculous powdered wig I’m wearing, I am advised to “not take this too seriously.”
Thus I can’t help but feel that many of our strong and just-minded Washingtonians have taken the path of the turncoat at this most crucial time. Though it pains me to give it voice, I fear that we fail to recognize the magnitude of the battle. With this in mind, I present to you the seedy, unseemly history of Emory University.
As it turns out, a brief stroll through the history books suggests that Emory University has been lame since the very beginning. Emory University, you see, was named for John Emory, a Methodist bishop, who died in, um, a carriage accident. For those of you keeping score, Washington University’s namesake was the first president of our great union; Emory’s died as a consequence of reckless carriage riding.
Moreover, research also reveals that Emory has been flirting with authoritarianism since its inception. Emory’s 1891 “Laws and Statutes of the College” makes this clear. It reads:
“Students are banned from attending any ball, theatre, horse-race or cock-fight; from using intoxicating drinks; from playing cards; from playing at any game for stakes; from keeping a horse, a dog, or a servant; from engaging in anything forbidden by the Faculty; from associating with persons of known bad character; from visiting any place of ill-repute, or at which gaming is practiced, or intoxicating liquors are sold; from engaging in any ‘match game,’ or ‘intercollegiate’ game of football, baseball, whatsoever.”
Brothers and sisters, I ask you, could there be anything less American? Though I’ve done virtually no research to substantiate this claim, I am quite certain that Wash. U., like any good democratic institution in the 19th century, was virtually teeming with cock-fights and persons of ill-repute. Or, at the very least, I imagine we could play baseball when we felt like it.
And thus I end my appeal by offering this: These people are not like you. They don’t share your values; they don’t praise your ideals; they don’t harbor your goals. As our illustrious leader, President George W. Bush put it: “We are in a conflict between good and evil, and [Washington University] will call evil by its name.”
Zach is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum editor.