
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Against the express wishes of his crack team of doctors, Harrison Ford once again smashes into the silver screen, reprising his eponymous role in this highly-anticipated new installment of the “Indiana Jones” series. Indie embarks on a mission to obtain a referral from his general practitioner to get an X-ray so he can squeeze onto the appointment book of an osteopathic surgeon. Who will be able to tell him why his skull is so fragile, and can he avoid the terrifying onset of osteoporosis by drinking 10 glasses of milk per day? Find out this summer when Indiana Jones shatters the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and gets slightly ill from too many calcium supplements!
And as for the Spielberg-helmed sequel set to come out in 2010, two action-packed words say it all: malpractice suit!
Wanted
The gripping tale of a young man’s search for acceptance and camaraderie in the classified pages. Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) thought he was no one until the beautiful and deadly Fox (Angelina Jolie) picked him out of obscurity. “It was his personal ad,” Fox said, “that led me right to him: ‘SWM seeking IHB [incredibly hot babe] who can hang out of car windows and shoot rifles with pin-point precision. Bullet-time camerawork capability a must.’ It just made my heart flutter.” The two get together over a cup of coffee, and before the date is over they’re apartment hunting in the local listings. It’s the exhilarating tale of love in eight-point font, and soon the two love-birds will have their hands full with more than just newsprint ink. Don’t miss the most anticipated newspaper movie of the summer!
Iron Man
In this extremely long-awaited spin-off from “The Wizard of Oz,” the Tin Man finally gets his moment in front of the curtain. He is joined by Robert Downey Jr, who plays Tony Stark, a man with a big heart and an equally big smoking problem that causes him to need a little respiratory help. The two set off on an adventure to free the Tin Man from his tin prison of a body and Stark from his iron prison of a lung. Will the two be able to defeat the wicked witch of the tobacco lobbyists and return home? Will Tony Stark finally kick his habit and emerge from his iron lung a new man, ready to battle the forces of evil and make out with Gwyneth Paltrow without tasting of tar?
With a sound track by Metallica and a rumored cameo by the Iron Giant, “Iron Man” has something for the whole family. And don’t rule out a moving guest appearance by Ian McKellan as metal-manipulator Magneto. It’s all in the thrilling film adaptation of Marvel Comic’s “Iron Man!”
The Dark Knight Returns
Samuel Beckett actually rose from the grave to pen this gripping, introspective meditation on death and reincarnation. “The Dark Knight Returns” features an older, wiser Batman (Christian Bale) who is world-weary and tired of his day-to-day existence saving the citizens of Gotham. After long contemplation of such things as the tread of the bat-mobile’s tires and the inside of his mask, he decides to end it all by waiting for death. After years of silent patience, Batman is finally confronted on a country road by a grinning maniac who tells him he’s waited in vain, then blows up a building.
If you’re a die-hard Batman fan, or a lover of the absurd yet inexplicably weighty, this is the summer block- and brain-buster for you!
Sex and the City
Sarah Jessica Parker and the gang return for this film adaptation of the Beatles’ infamous song “Why don’t we do it in the road?” Parker is the chronically-single Carrie Bradshaw, who, after years of searching, has finally decided to throw caution to the wind and combine the two clauses of the title. Critics and audiences treated to sneak peeks have called it “simply soft-core porn” and noted “this is the hardest I’ve ever seen the asphalt pounded.”
The Incredible Hulk
A documentary feature that follows a team of medical doctors and biologists as they try to medically substantiate the possibility of the existence of the Hulk. It’s not a spoiler to reveal they find him positively incredible. Science and comic geeks alike will get a rush from this fast-paced immersion into the world of laboratory sciences!