Shoot ‘Em Up
Rating: 0.5/5
Directed by: Michael Davis
Starring: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci, Daniel Pilon
Theatrical release date: September 7, 2007
At one point during Michael Davis’ nonstop, ballistic extravaganza “Shoot ‘Em Up,” Paul Giamatti’s character (Mr. Hertz) explains that he doesn’t allow himself to get angry, as anger biochemically induces a temporary reduction in intelligence.
Even when the villain remains calm, you can only feel doubly cursed watching this over-the-top, juvenile film that plays like “Fire Down Below” with a larger budget.
First, each passing minute of daffy action-intermixed with inane dialogue and loud music that pleads to appear slick and hip-demands the audience lower their intelligence to middle school.
Second, the piled-up corpses of failed jokes and empty shells, and that incessant pow-pow of gunfire, begins to make you angry. Your intellect drops even more.
“Shoot ‘Em Up” sums the film up rather well, directed both towards the characters and the unfortunate audience. The carrot-chomping protagonist, Mr. Smith (Clive Owen), helps a pregnant damsel in distress from some thugs with guns. The mother gives birth during the first of many shootouts to come, but mom is killed in the crossfire. Together with a lactating prostitute called DQ (oh, how droll) played by Monica Belluci, Mr. Smith tries to keep the baby safe from a bunch of men with guns, who are led by Mr. Hertz.
Amidst the gunfights, the characters, audience-and apparently the scriptwriter and filmmakers-try and determine just why these evil men want dear baby dead.
This is the action film equivalent of the worst ‘horror porn’ films that gained popularity following “Hostel” and its ilk. Indeed, one moment in the film features Mr. Smith jamming a carrot down a man’s throat and out the neck. This ‘kill’ and Smith’s snide remark following it (“eat your vegetables”) immediately conjures up slasher horror images of Freddy, Jason and Myers.
After witnessing a mid-coital, mid-air shoot out, all that’s left to assume is that “Shoot ‘Em Up” is an action permutation of porn. There is a half-hearted attempt at a preachy message, concerning gun control, but that attempt at deeper worth goes no further than reminding you that you’d prefer not to be shot.
Filling the empty hole vacated by meaning and import, the film stuffs in the unbelievable plot devices (e.g. a robotic baby suddenly built with components from who knows where), and corny dialogue, mostly alluding to Smith’s similarity to Bugs Bunny (oh, that wasckily wabbit).
Davis’ 1997 film “Eight Days a Week” (which features a pre-“Felicity” Keri Russell) is largely about male worship of the female image. It is rather shocking, therefore, to the see the violence directed towards females in “Shoot ‘Em Up”.
The women populating the film consist of the helpless mother whose lifeless breast is fondled by Mr. Hertz and the helpless whore who is tortured with a red-hot gun barrel to the limbs and crotch. Mr. Hertz’s nagging wife appears indirectly through his cell phone and is only heard through the bored responses of Mr. Hertz himself. A poster of a pinup girl on the wall has a stray bullet tear into her rear. The cinematic purpose beyond all of these occurrences is questionable.
Just what is the point of a film like this and in what way does it entertain? Is there anything beneficial from a film that pumps you up to go out and ‘play-shoot’ live human targets after viewing it, as was gleefully advertised for a screening at the Alamo Drafthouse?
At the end of the day, many will enjoy this film and will find it a beneficial experience, but I just look forward with hope that some actual entertainment will come from it, in giving “MythBusters” hours more material to work with.