Nothing’s sweeter on a cold Valentine’s Day than snuggling up with your honey and watching romantic movies. But let’s say you have more carnal plans for the evening and hope to end the night with more than a smooch. Maybe the erotic film can be your friend, but more than likely it can be a foe. For every sex scene that inspires great sex, there are two that leave you colder than fish in February. We here at Cadenza try to help out whenever we can, so we have put together a list of sex scenes categorized to help prevent a terrible error. Just because a film is R-rated for adult content and sexual situations doesn’t mean that these situations are mood setters. Here is a small list to help you sort through your Netflix-queue for the best movies.
Food in sex
the good
9 1/2 Weeks
Adrian Lynne’s sexual epic was so affecting that it basically defined how people combine sex and food. The honey, strawberries and champagne are now so clich‚; the fact that these ingredients once pushed boundaries is hard to understand. Not so hard to understand are the limits pushed by the use of cold pasta, Vicks cough syrup and jalape¤o peppers. But these food scenes work and actually dominate the movie so much that few remember anything else about it. Throw in Mickey Rourke’s raw, intense sexuality and the fact that Kim Basinger rates 10 schwings out of a 10 possible schwings and we have our go-to movie to inspire wild, experimental hook-ups between people who barely know each other.
the bad
Ninja III: The Domination
When I caught this movie on cable one Wednesday afternoon, I prepared myself for the worst. And I guess I should have feared the worst when the spirit of a demon ninja enters the body of our fit, young heroine and inspires her to sleep with one of the many police officers that gunned down said evil Ninja (the movie presupposes that the soul of a Ninja can only be killed by another Ninja). And I certainly felt the filmmakers were going in the wrong direction when this cop pulled off his shirt to reveal a thick, bushy sweater-vest of body hair. This was all typical B-movie territory, but “Ninja III” crosses the line when this demon-possessed woman pops open a can of V-8 and commences drinking it off his furry chest. I don’t care how fitness conscious people were in the ’80s; vegetable juice was not then, is not now, and will never be sexy in any way. Sorry Jack La Lanne.
the ugly
Last Tango in Paris
This 1970s art-house classic, directed by erotic cinema maestro Bernardo Bertolucci, tenderly portrays grief, sensuality and regret through the powerful performance of Marlon Brando, masterfully portraying an American ex-pat widower in France. Is it remembered for that? Hell no. People talk about “Last Tango in Paris” these days because of the scene when Brando slathers his dong in butter and screws Maria Schneider in a very uncomfortable place (hint: not the back of a Volkswagen). I know the French love butter, but I think they intend it for croissants, not sodomy. Momma always said don’t knock what you haven’t tried, but I’m sticking with the mouth as the only orifice that deserves interaction with dairy products.
Threesomes
the good
Shortbus
In a movie that focuses almost entirely on sex and relationships, the standout scene is one between gay couple James and Jamie and the new man they’ve brought into their relationship, Ceth. This scene is joyful, funny and sexy and involves the “Star Spangled Banner” being sung into one character’s behind. This scene captures every aspect of a comfortable sexual relationship along with the exploratory innocence of a first hook-up.
the bad
Wild Things
Sure, it features some hot girl on girl on guy action from three young, attractive stars. And what teenage boy wouldn’t want to be caught between Neve Campbell’s trashy innocence and the voluptuous rich-bitch, Denise Richards? This scene goes wrong because Neve Campbell refuses to show any skin. I respect the no-nudity clause that many young starlets put in their contracts, refusing to sell images of their naked bodies. What I don’t respect is an actress taking a moral high ground and thus diminishing the quality of her sex scene when she is popular, only to take her clothes off in the first 30 seconds of some crappy movie once her career starts tanking. Neve Campbell does just this in 2005’s “When Will I Be Loved” which, surprise surprise, is self-important crap.
the ugly
American Psycho
While 99 percent of this Brett Easton Ellis adaptation is super creepy anyway, not much tops the threesome scene. Christian Bale portrays almost perfect narcissism as he obsesses over details like hair color and shoes on the carpet and then spends the entire scene watching himself in a video monitor. His odd behavior makes this scene really skin-crawling even though it doesn’t end in violent death like the second threesome scene in which a chainsaw is dropped on a woman’s head. Distinctly not sexy.
Rough sex
the good
Goldfinger
James Bond has seduced a lot of women, but none so roughly as Pussy Galore. After a quick judo match in the barn, Pussy tries to push him off but Bond presses down on her until she can no longer resist his charms. While the sex is suggested and not shown, after their athletic prelude we have to imagine that their lovemaking was strictly rough and tumble. While Bond’s sexual history is probably longer than Wilt Chamberlain’s, this roll in the hay with Pussy Galore has to be ranked as one of the tops. And while it certainly portrays a very ’60s attitude about male/female roles and violence in sex, Pussy is a tough chick who can hold her own in a fight with a British super-spy, more than can be said for most other women in Bond films. Three cheers for Pussy.
the bad
Straw Dogs
This Sam Peckinpah directed meditation on violence assuredly served as inspiration for “A History of Violence,” but the scene here is less skillfully handled. Dustin Hoffman plays an American math professor on sabbatical in his new British wife’s tiny hometown village. When her childhood sweetheart invades their home and rapes her, she doesn’t really dislike it as much as she “should.” Hoffman goes on a spree of gruesome brutality that almost entirely consumes his previously mild-mannered persona. The rape scene itself is portrayed with more sadistic overtones then the similar one in “A History of Violence” and seems to support the myth that all women really want to be raped. “Straw Dogs” exhibits overt if confused misogyny, which can be utilized well but here is too open for interpretation.
the ugly
Blue Velvet
A word to the wise. Next time you sleep with a strange woman who you have personally seen engage in violent, drug-fueled sex with incestuous overtones, don’t be surprised when she asks to sock her one in the nose in the throes of passion. While it may be hard to turn down a night with someone who looks like Isabella Rossellini, always avoid punch-sex with a mob-connected woman you barely know. Also, Dennis Hopper alternating between calling himself Daddy and asserting that “Baby wants to f-k” makes “Blue Velvet” the greatest combination of the erotic and horror genres, ever.
Unsimulated
the good
Shortbus
Already mentioned on this list, “Shortbus” has to be mentioned in this category as the first film to contain as much filmed penetration as it does without ever coming off as pornographic. For me, porn is defined by the intent and “Shortbus” intends to explore every aspect of relationships as truthfully as possible, and is not just an excuse to show people boning on screen. Of particular note is the opening montage that shows us everything from acrobatic one-on-one to a hired S&M dominatrix beating a college student’s feet to one guy attempting to give himself oral pleasure. I won’t ruin it for you and tell you if he makes it.
the bad
Brown Bunny
Vincent Gallo’s second film, this falls into the realm of exploitation, as the entire point of this long and incredibly boring movie is the final scene in which Chloe Sevigny gives him head. I would be proud of dating an Oscar-nominated actress as well, but to make an entire movie just to prove that I’m poking her is ludicrous. Add to this the fact that Vincent Gallo claims to sell his sperm over the internet for $1 million, reserves the right to refuse the sale to anybody with a dark complexion but offers discounts to blond-haired blue-eyed women. Self-indulgent filmmaker and a possible Neo-nazi? I’m sure the ladies are lining up to get a squirt of this guy’s man juice.
the ugly
Pink Flamingos
It may be insensitive to say that a blowjob performed by a 300-pound drag queen is inherently distasteful. But when this blowjob is performed on the character’s son and the intention of the film is to be the most disgusting movie ever made, I think I’m safe in saying this really grossed me out. This film also earns distinction for a scene involving two people killing a live chicken during intercourse. The ugliest of ugly sex scenes.
Sex in public
the good
Risky Business
Almost everything that happens in this movie is ridiculous. For some reason, though, when Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay have sex on a CTA elevated train we buy their reckless abandon and lustful energy. Upper middle class males dating prostitutes seems to happen much more often in movies than in real life, but if we can get lost in the fantasy this scene works on a lot of levels. Just think of this as how “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” would have ended if it had an R rating.
the bad
Enemy at the Gates
Many people I have talked to really like this scene. And while a Rachel Weisz and Jude Law hump-fest the night before he goes to battle sounds good on paper, the sexiness gets lost in translation. Most of this is due to the location. While grimy barracks filled with sweaty Russian soldiers may be historically accurate, historical accuracy is not hot. The element that sends this scene over the edge into the deepest hell of bad sex scenes is the soldier nearby coughing as if his lungs could come out his mouth in bloody clumps at any second. Lets just say I like my sex without the possibility of catching the consumption.
the ugly
Boogie Nights
Finding a notable sex scene in this fictionalized account of the ’70s porn scene is like trying to find hay in a haystack. But Paul Thomas Anderson (known to his obnoxious fans as PTA) uses the full sad-sack capabilities of William H. Macy as he catches his slutty wife getting banged in the backyard at a party. Maybe he should have expected that when he introduced her to the pornography scene, but we feel so bad for poor Bill Macy. PTA mixes sympathy and comedy to create a short but memorable scene that leaves viewers with a full range of emotion. But whorish wives that screw random dudes in public? Not sexy.
Brian’s favorite sexy movies
The Thomas Crown Affair
Clich‚, but certainly steamy, especially Rene Russo’s dancing in the sheer black dress but also the ridiculous sex in the mansion. Over-the-top in all the right places.
The Dreamers
Sure this Bertolucci movie toes the line with the suggested incest stuff, but Eva Green is almost too hot to be naked for as long as she is in this movie.
B. Monkey
Nothing is sexier than a chick wearing only boxers and carrying a gun. When that chick is Asia Argento the rest of this list becomes almost meaningless.
Out of Sight
George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez get more done with their clothes on in the trunk of a car than most soft-core porn does going the full monty.
Desperado
Anything with Selma Hayek is automatically going to be pretty hot, but pairing her with Antonio Banderas in some imaginative positions is a definite plus.
To Catch a Thief
Two words. Grace Kelly. Hitchcock was a master of the no-skin sex scene, and the suggested one between Kelly and Cary Grant with fireworks exploding is hilarious and sexy.
Keeping the Faith
Yes I know there was not a sex scene in this movie, but Jenna Elfman was at her absolute hottest when she reached for that tiny cell phone on her garter belt.
Chocolat
Johnny Depp in his first overtly, sexy role absolutely owns this movie. He should do another one of these romantic roles before he stops being so sexy. Who am I kidding? He’ll be hot in a wheelchair.
Bull Durham
The only thing sexier than Susan Sarandon and Kevin Costner is a nicely turned double play. And this movie has all three in spades.