Student Life Archives

To the chagrin of many, the waning NFL season has left a space, a veritable vacuum, in newsprint. That vacuum, which demands to be refilled, is the assembled opinions of staffers on issues of a dichotomous nature, better known as “picks.” We at Cadenza have answered the call to fill this space, and we have filled it.with penises.

The question of “penis, or not a penis?” is formidable, a riddle that is writ on the very history of the human experience. A notable and recent example comes from the sterile-family-fun world of Disney. In the closing act of “The Little Mermaid,” just before the colluded nuptials of Prince Eric and Ursula (in her sexified form), the smiling priest conducting the ceremony appears to be more than just happy. Many have contended that the bishop’s “bishop” was another instance of perverse Disney animators having their way with the impressionable minds of American youth. Indeed, the cover art of the self-same movie allegedly showcased an underwater castle with very phallic architecture. So the question rears its primeval head: is this a penis, or not a penis? We have taken it upon ourselves to address these historical mysteries in a democratic forum.

As for our happy priest, the truth can be found in the viewpoint. In profile, the diminutive clergyman certainly appears to be sporting a chubby. From a crane-shot angle, however, the geometry of his posture is clarified. The suspected “penis” is nothing more scandalous than a pair of knobby knees. In this case, the verdict is in: not a penis. But the question still burns in the minds of the populace concerning many other possible penises, as explored below.

The Contenders

1. Banana Penis
2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day
3. Dick Cheney Dick
4. Golf Trophy
5. Washington Monument
6. Tennis Ball Face
7. Valentine Panties

The Judges

David Freeman

1. Banana Penis. This looks Photoshopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few ‘shops in my time. Nonetheless, a penile archetype.

(Vote: Penis)

2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. While the standard usage of a condom is to relegate sperm to the trash can or mar a roommate’s door handle, this enormous prophylactic is used to hide the lie of this architectural imposter. That’s a tower, not a penis.

(Vote: Not a penis)

3. Dick Cheney Dick. Given the exploits of other members of the current political party, this trouser-bulge is more likely a listening device.

(Vote: Not a penis)

4. Golf Trophy. To say nothing of the shape, the affection visited upon this phallus by Cristie Kerr is tantamount to its nature: Everyone loves a penis.

(Vote: Penis)

5. Washington Monument. If I can use my own genitalia as a reference, this pointy memorial is an exemplar penis. The accuracy of the likeness is startling.

(Vote: Penis)

6. Tennis Ball Face. Who picked these images?!

(Vote: Penis)

7. Valentine Panties. If biology has taught me anything, it is that this default human sex organ can be differentiated into a penis with a timely blast of dihydrotestosterone. This could potentially have been a penis; that’s good enough for my vote.

(Vote: Penis)

Robbie Gross

1. Banana Penis. This is clearly a penis that is dressing up like a banana for Halloween. I’ve seen it before a million times.

(Vote: Penis)

2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. Now I’ve seen architectural gaffes before, but I can’t quite imagine how ugly this tower must be that they needed to put a condom over it for “AIDS Day.” Just sick.

(Vote: Not a penis)

3. Dick Cheney Dick. One might presume we are dealing with a laser aimed at the young girl’s head. Knowing his wife Lynn, however, (see her 1979 sexually charged

novel “Sisters”) I’ve got a feeling this is a penis of massive destruction.

(Vote: Penis)

4. Golf Trophy. This is undoubtedly a trophy. Penises are not transparent.

(Vote: Not a penis)

5. Washington Monument. The way it brings tears to my eyes as I think about our Founding Father; the way the American flags dance around its base; the way it stands for spreading freedom with our penetrating values-this is and must be a penis.

(Vote: Penis)

6. Tennis Ball Face. Tenn-is. Pen-is. Not a penis!

(Vote: Not a penis)

7. Valentine Panties. I find this image to be a needless provocation! An insult to the very values of freedom of speech! I am offended, and I demand this image be taken out immediately!

(Vote: Penis)

Adam Summerville

1. Banana Penis. While it might just be an oddly (or possibly not-so-oddly) shaped banana, my penis-sense is tingling.

(Vote: Penis)

2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. I know what condoms are for and that is for the covering of penii.

(Vote: Penis)

3. Dick Cheney Dick.ÿThe man seems too cranky to be packing that much meat. Probably not a penis.

(Vote: Not a penis)

4. Golf Trophy. I’m too aroused for it to not be a penis.

(Vote: Penis)

5. Washington Monument. I know my national monuments, and that one is definitely a penis. Lincoln Memorial? Not a penis. Surprisingly the Jefferson Memorial is a penis as well – who knew?

(Vote: Penis)

6. Tennis Ball Face. I’ve seen a few penises in my day and that is most assuredly not one.

(Vote: Not a penis)

7. Valentine Panties. While I can’t be sure, there is probably not a penis present. But then again, I don’t like surprises, so “better safe than sorry” says it’s a penis.

(Vote: Penis)

Laura Vilines

1. Banana Penis. Is that a banana in that picture or is it just happy to see me? It’s happy to see me.

(Vote: Penis)

2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day. What’s a penis without a matching vagina? Next World Aids Day, I demand to see a giant dental dam. Dental Dam!

(Vote: Not a penis)

3. Dick Cheney Dick. Conservative Republicans are well known to be great in the sack. Be proud, Dick, be proud.

(Vote: Penis)

4. Golf Trophy. Did anyone else notice who her sponsor is? Cheeri, oh, oh ohhhhs. I think the answer here is clear.

(Vote: Penis)

5. Washington Monument. Forefather or foreskin. Standing proud for liberty or just standing proud. The similarities are countless.

(Vote: Penis)

6. Tennis Ball Face. Only one ball. A little disappointing. The look on that guy’s face: penis-less.

(Vote: Not a penis)

7. Valentine Panties. As the lone girl in this group, I must proclaim loudly – It’s not a penis!

(Vote: Not a penis)

Final Tally:

1. Banana Penis – 4 for
2. Buenos Aires Building Condom for World AIDS Day – 1 for, 3 against
3. Dick Cheney Dick – 2 for, 2 against
4. Golf Trophy – 3 for, 1 against
5. Washington Monument – 4 for
6. Tennis Ball Face – 1 for, 3 against
7. Valentine Panties – 3 for, 1 against

The opinions are in, but is there a consensus? Dear reader, we leave the final verdict up to you. Because in the end, isn’t everything a penis? Freud would agree with the Cadenza staff in our collective “yes.”

This entry was posted on Monday, February 13th, 2006 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Cadenza. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.