Fear. That base, primal emotion that lurks in the darkest depths of the human psyche. It can be used to punish the guilty or to prey on the innocent. It can drive men to do unspeakable things. Or it can drive them out to the suburbs and make them shell out $15 to get the crap scared out of them for half an hour.
Luckily for Wash. U. students, St. Louis abounds with each of these various horrors. But since Halloween is fast approaching, Cadenza decided to focus its investigation on the consensual, commodified fear that only a good haunted house can provide. We’ve visited four local haunted houses in an effort to find the most scare for your hard-earned dollar, indicated by our proprietary “Scare Score” following each review. Are you more of a traditionalist when it comes to your fear, or do you crave an edgier, more in-your-face kind of horror? The only way to find out is to read on.
The Darkness
Even from the parking lot, The Darkness beckons you to enter through its fanged inflatable jaws. Once inside, you will be confronted with much darkness, much fog and the assorted haunts therein. Also, expect a curious multiplicity of pianos.
The Darkness features a good array of spooky scenes, which range from an African Congo spirit gathering to a kitchen abattoir complete with a cook and his skinned-face apron. My personal favorite was a bathroom that was de facto soaked in blood. The haunted house alternates between mechanical ghouls and costumed spooks in such a way that you never can anticipate where the next scare will come from. This is a good characteristic, being in the fear business.
On a side note, the real spooks were a bit sexist, as my female compatriot was relentlessly tormented in preference to me. Imagine my chagrin. The overall eerie effect of the multifarious scenes coupled with the sneaking-up-behind-you bogeymen made for a good horror house. I was definitely startled frequently-perhaps even frightened at times. And, most certainly, the scariest moment came with the wailing lament of a far-off specter mourning the loss of the Cardinals in game six. -David Freeman
Scare Score: 4/5
Silo-X
By Jordan Deam
Music Editor
Despite the spartan exterior, long lines and hefty ticket price, Silo-X just might be the best haunted house in the greater St. Louis area-it’s certainly one of the most creative. Combining elements of a nuclear holocaust and war-torn Vietnam with a handful of aborted alien autopsies thrown in for good measure, the production comes off as a kind of hyper-exaggerated, monochromatic Kubrick medley with a bunch of carnies for actors. It might not sound like much on paper, but in practice, it actually gets pretty tense.
This is partially due to Silo-X’s copious fog machines, strobe lights and speakers blaring helicopter chatter and air raid sirens, sometimes all at once. Within the first few rooms you’ll be experiencing sensory overload, and despite your best efforts to reason your way back to a state of calmness, you’ll probably be at least a little on edge for the duration of the course. The “actors” inside definitely capitalize on this tension, taking every opportunity to bang on nearby metal objects as you pass and sporadically come charging at you with a revving chainsaw.
While the occasional kitsch-filled room will only manage to incite a chuckle, the net effect of Silo-X is exactly what a haunted house should be. It’s reasonably long, well paced and has plenty of variety (at least as far as haunted houses go). If you are at risk for epileptic seizures or vertigo, however, you may want to be the one to stay home and hand out the candy. -Jordan Deam
Scare Score: 4.5/5
The Crematory and the Creature
As I entered the second half of Silo-X (two smaller haunted houses called the Crematory and the Creature), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were quickly dashed. The continuity of the experience was broken as I waited in line-a local in a sweatshirt guarded the entrance and regulated the incoming groups. I was hoping for someone at least in costume if not in character, but apparently the concept of “theatrical illusion” is lost on some people.
The Crematory was mildly disorienting but never quite scary. For the most part, it was too well lit, and what I can see is not as scary as what I can’t. One room was pitch black, and the wind howling across the roof unsettled me far more than anything any of the actors did.
While the Crematory seemed like little more than a hasty extension of Silo-X, the Creature was a different beast entirely. Upon entering through the beast’s mouth, I was struck by how innovative the structure was. It was if someone had taken a lot of those inflatable bouncy rooms and stitched them into a disgusting monster. The passages of the throat got narrower and narrower until I was squeezing my way through. Had it been darker and smokier, it might have actually been somewhat creepy. As it was, it was pretty inventive but ultimately disappointing. If going to Silo-X, save the $5 and just stop at the main attraction. -Adam Summerville
Scare Score: 2.5/5