Dan Daranciang“I can’t hear you; I’m in Whispers, the loudest place in the school!” an undergrad yelled into his cell-phone as he stood in the new social mecca at the center of Olin Library.
Throughout the year students here at Wash U have flocked to Olin’s recently completed Whispers Caf‚, grabbing late night espressos, competing in hours of online poker tournaments and enjoying mid-afternoon gossip sessions with friends. In fact the popularity of Whispers Caf‚ has developed into a sort of phenomenon, attracting an unbelievable number of students with its enticements of Bubble Tea and free Internet access.
And while many undergrads love the new addition to campus eateries, others detest the caf‚, loathing the constant hubbub of activity and the inescapable (and often deafening) level of noise that now fills the previously desolate first floor of Olin.
The countless conversations that fill the caf‚ at all hours are impossible to avoid, and after spending an hour within the bustling eatery, one has probably overheard at least a dozen conversations, which range from juicy Friday night adventures to complaints over the latest Econ assignment.
Nevertheless, an afternoon or late night visit to Whispers will never fail to provide at least a moment’s worth of entertainment. As a result, the Cadenza staff decided to further investigate this phenomenon, and go undercover, deep into the heart of Whispers Caf‚ tracking and recording the conversations they overheard. Below are the sometimes funny, sometimes confusing results.
Disclaimer: All of the conversations below are fictionalized versions of a combination of actual events. None of the conversations are real. So don’t take this seriously. Seriously.
Dialogue #1: 11:45 a.m.
A. [Reading New York Times] Did you know that there are nearly 1.1 billion Catholics in this world? That’s a ton of Catholics.
B. Yo, you’ve got to chill out with the Catholic stuff.
C. Who took my pencil? … Look me in the eye. I know you took my pencil.
B. I didn’t take your pencil.
C. I’m going to have to throw down the gauntlet…
B. I told you that I don’t have it.
A. Didn’t you just throw your pencil somewhere like a minute ago?
D. I had only 15 minutes of PoliSci today.
B. For real?
D. It was just a quiz. I’m just trying to take it and get out. I’m not gonna try to learn that shit…
Dialogue #2: 12:13 p.m.
A. What is that?
B. Double Fudge Latte.
A. That’s all it is? There’s nothing special on it?
B. Fudge.
A. Oh.
B. So, yeah, lab is especially, like, an automatic A.
A. Should I take it here or there?
B. It’s so easy. I would take it here.
A. Yeah.
B. You can’t not get, like, a 96 percent or something. The practice tests have the same questions as the real test!
A. Really. It’s actually the class I study least for cuz, like, there’s almost no homework, and the quizzes are really easy. My other lab is harder. Plus, you don’t, like, have to wear those stupid goggles that give you a headache.
A. I don’t know what I want to take next year.
B. I know! I want to take one class that’s not hard, one class that’s easy, and one that’s just for shits and giggles…
A. I was thinking about taking a foreign language.
B. I’ve taken French for seven years and I’m still starting in French 2. I just don’t have time. It’s five credits and …
A. [To recently arrived C] We’re like sooo tan …
B. I like really want to learn French because I’ve taken it for seven years. I just don’t want to do all that work. I understand a lot of French spoken, but even if I, like, have a thought in my head I can’t think of the words. It’s so like, “Yo… um…”
Dialogue #3: 11:50 p.m.
A. I have a crush. He’s like eighteen. [Giggles]
B. Oh man, rockin’ the cradle.
C. Don’t you mean robbing?
B. Doesn’t rockin’ sound good, because you’re like soothing them?
A. No, you’re stealing the baby!
Monologue: 11:30 a.m.
A. [Speaking on cell phone quite loudly] Dude, are you drunk? You better be drunk.
B. [Standing near] Talk louder, I don’t think everyone can hear you…
A. It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Monday, who cares? Okay, so, yeah dude, are you drunk? You are drunk, aren’t you? Oh shit, you got a DUI? [mumbles] Yeah, he’s gonna strip for the strippers; it’s kinda ironic, actually. [more mumbling] If you’re gonna do that, you better call me, I will fly down there in a second and make fun of you for the rest of your life. Hold on, people are staring at me…
Quotables
11:43 p.m. “I had some drinks at, like, three o’clock this afternoon. I called her and I was, like, totally buzzing.”
12:07 p.m.
A. The ones that defecated were arrested, there were 11 of them.
B. That many people to take a poop? That’s lots of accomplices.
10:37 p.m. “You are so weird because you are from Minnesota and not Texas.”
11:23 p.m. “The only black music I know… is like… the lyrics to three Eminem songs.”
11:37 p.m.
A. Mmm…swollen member.
B. Oooh…That’s the best part.
1:45 a.m. “I wish you would just shut the hell up, you stupid bitch! … Just kidding, I love you!”