It’s about this time of year that I stop caring about anything aside from Spring Training baseball, but the pop culture wire this week has been rife with unavoidable stories that command attention. Let’s take a look at some of the more important developments mid-February has had to offer, shall we?
Blink-182 Goes On “Indefinite Hiatus”: After ducking out on a tsunami benefit show, the boys of Blink released a statement detailing their desire to “spend some time enjoying the fruits of their labors with loved ones.” The release went on to declare that there were absolutely no plans for the band to collaborate anytime soon, although it did include the metaphysical observation that “no one knows what tomorrow may bring.” It’s truly a sad week in musical history; the band that brought us the immortal “All The Small Things,” as well as the touching “Adam’s Song/Stay Together For The Kids/Meaningful Latter-Album Ballad” has left behind a sea of wayward adolescents. Ah well. The world needed more Hoobastank fans.
Marge’s Sister Patty Comes Out: As they’ve been wont to do every couple seasons or so, probably to distract the audience from the fact that they know longer know how to write, the creative forces behind “The Simpsons” made a big splash this week by signing up Marge’s big sis Patty Bouvier for the “Token Gay Ratings Ploy” club. Joining the illustrious ranks of Jack McPhee of “Dawson’s Creek” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”‘s Willow (we’ll give Ellen a pass), Patty’s announcement incited a hailstorm of political rhubarb, as conservatives got pissed, liberals got glad and nobody got the fact that this show isn’t fucking funny anymore.
“Hitch” Captures The Hearts of America, Two Weeks In A Row: Three years ago, Will Smith was trying to be Jamie Foxx before Jamie Foxx was Jamie Foxx. He had the title role in a sprawling biopic; he snagged an Oscar nomination; he underwent physical reinvention for the role. Unfortunately, “Ali” was trash, Smith’s performance was boring and nobody remembers the movie existed. Well, aside from Taylor Hackford, who noticed the actor playing Drew “Bundini” Brown and thought he just might make a solid choice to play Ray Charles. Meanwhile, the Fresh Prince made a romantic comedy with the King of Queens and my parents loved it.
Paris Hilton’s PDA Hacked: We’ve seen her naked. Who cares?
Korn Guitarist Leaves Band, Accepts The Lord: Do you think subjecting the listening public to a tortured brand of strained, distorted, Caucasian faux-angst qualifies as a mortal or a venial sin?
Barry Bonds Touches Hot Stove; Retracts Hand; Touches It Again: You’d think this idiot would learn at some point that there is no baseball, there is no ESPN, there is no lucrative contract, there is no endorsement deal, without, y’know, a fan base. Throwing himself in front of the media, Bonds lashed out against everybody who dared consider that he might’ve ingested “the cream” or “the clear,” inexplicably comparing the firestorm over steroid allegations to a rerun of “Sanford and Son.” “Sanford and Son!”
…nope. I can’t get over it. “Sanford and Son?” “Sanford and Son!” This guy’s lost it.
Sean Connery Sued For Being A Bad Neighbor: Finally, in what may actually be the greatest story ever, James Bond’s downstairs neighbor is filing suit against him for, amongst other things, “playing loud music at all hours and stomping about.” The plaintiff, a Manhattan ophthalmologist, also claims that Connery acted like a “rude, foul-mouthed, fat old man,” cursing out his housemates in “true Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde fashion” and instigating renovations that caused fumes, noise and rat infestation. It has to be said-I don’t think I’ve ever loved Sean Connery more.