Margaret BauerGold Medal: Durex Extra Strength
Silver Medal: Lifestyles Ultra Lubricated
Bronze Medal: Trojan Extended Pleasure
How well do you know your condoms? All this time you’ve regarded them as mere mixtures of latex and spermicidal lubricant, annoying but necessary commodities that prevent little versions of you from running around in diapers. The time has come, my friend, to get to know your condoms a little better. It’s time to test their mettle and see what they’re really made of. Enter the First Annual Condom Olympics! We culled together some of our favorite condoms, from Durex to Lifestyles to Trojan Magnums (for the heavy hitters among us). Armed with simple household objects, fresh produce and our imaginations, we set out to see what these little suckers could do.
The Cucumber Test
We first experimented with a large cucumber, approximately 9 inches in length and 7 inches in circumfrence. Better to start big than small! One Durex Extra Strength condom (the same as those handed out at Student Health Services) not only managed to squeeze onto this bad boy, but supported its suspended weight. However, there was not much tip room or space left at the base. In order to test the condom’s durability in the act, we used a bagel to simulate whichever orifice you fancy. Unfortunately, the cucumber tore it to ribbons, and we just didn’t have any other holes lying around.
Another condom by the same brand, the Durex Rainbow, eventually broke under the same conditions with the large cucumber. Then, however, came the Trojan Magnum. Not only did it fit quite easily over the deep-girthed cucumber, but it covered it completely, with space left over at the end. This serves quite nicely as a billy club-like weapon, provided that the lube doesn’t make it slip through your hands.
Next, in order to test the condoms on produce that could be deemed “less fortunate” than others (the kind that might be chuckled at in the vegetable locker room), we selected a smaller, pickled cucumber, 4 inches long and 4 inches in circumfrence. (That’s approaching choad-like proportions, ladies and gentlemen.) None of the condoms wanted to stay on this particular food item, forcing us to recommend the Lifestyles Snugger Fit brand for cucumbers of this dimension.
The Stretching Test
Next, we decided to test the endurance of our prophylactics by a simple stretching test. Using an 18-inch ruler, we stretched the condoms to see how far they could go. In almost every case the condoms stretched well beyond our measuring capabilities, so then the objective became to simply wrestle with them like deadly pythons until they finally gave way. Easier said than done! That same Durex Extra Strength, for example, simply would not break. Perhaps our Cadenza arms are flaccid and weak after so many hours of writing CD reviews and drinking cheap beer, but the Durex overpowered us. NASA needs to use these things in their research and development-they’d hold a spaceship together any day of the week. Not so with the Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive brand, which tore much more quickly. The Trojan Non-Lubricated also gave way after much tugging and stretching. Not everyone can be gold medal material!
Alternative Uses for your Condoms
Remember that huge batch of condoms you bought at the beginning of the year? Still looking pretty huge, isn’t it? But hey, no worries if your love life didn’t turn out as planned. There are many other uses for the little guys that will save you time and money. Take, for instance, the Lifestyles Warming Pleasure style. Instant handwarmers for a chilly winter’s day! Plus, they’re less clumsy and uncoordinated than big, bulky mittens.
In terms of fashion, condoms are the perfect size to serve as coin purses or containers for similarly small items. Need to come up with exact change at Mallinckrodt? You got it. Similarly, condoms can be a great, easy way to protect your cell phone from the harsh elements. Just slip one over your Nokia, and it’s thin enough to allow talking and listening, but thick enough to keep out dirt and rainwater. (You’d better hope your condoms are waterproof, at any rate.) As a tip, avoid all lubricated brands if you don’t want to cover your face in spermicide every time you answer the phone.
Finally, condoms are perfect for parties. Strewing them around your dorm room, in addition to being decorative and colorful, will also aid several of your partygoers at the end of the night when it’s time to hit the sack. If you really want to go the extra mile, though, blow one rubber up with many others inside it, and you’ve got a bona fide pi¤ata on your hands.
We hope you’ve enjoyed our assessment of the various condom brands and their extracurricular functions. They’re in plentiful supply at Student Health Services, so grab a handful and do with them what you will, whether it’s their traditional purpose or any number of household arts and crafts. Condoms: the only object more useful than the Q-tip.