Margaret BauerEverybody has sex. For hipsters, isn’t that just the problem? Our primal, carnal instincts drive us to intercourse, but the engagement in it by so many people makes it far too arbitrary to enjoy. Our hip friends are iconoclasts by nature, and so here we offer a few off-the-beaten-path sexual suggestions for the tight T-shirted set.
Try doing it fully clothed. Nudity is overrated, isn’t it? Like that favorite band who gets a hit and suddenly loses all its luster, the act of shedding one’s clothes to get off has proliferated far beyond the reach of unique. So keep that Interpol ringer on, and only drop the vintage jeans far enough to get the action on. Actually, additional layers may ensure even greater a level of hip: Try shimmying down in a parka, two scarves and four pairs of aviator sunglasses.
Use horn-rimmed condoms. Latex and safety are necessary evils, for even the most daring CMJ trendsetter. But why play to societal norms for the protection of your piece? Stylish horn-rimmed prophylactics allow for both prevention and a statement of individuality: “Look, world, I’ll do what you deem NECESSARY, but I’ll do it in a style you can’t possibly handle.” If so inclined, as well, use ill-fitting rubbers to avoid the perils of conformity.
Don’t kiss. Kissing is for romantic sadsacks who probably listen to John Mayer between marathons of reality TV. Try scowling at your partner while engaging in the act of love, or even adopt the visage of indifference with which you approach most any other task. Hey, maybe the hard-to-please attitude will rev up your eventual orgasm.
Make your own hot talk. Physical reactions being what they are, most people are driven to plebeian moans and utterances throughout the course of relations. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to prevent any expression of sound, but twist the involuntary to your own artistry by purring some real sweet somethings. “I’m born inside this moment,” for example, or the thoughtful “You and I in the now are insular.”
Shake post-coital hands. Cuddling. Pshaw. Affection is beyond those of such mindsets as your own. Try a firm handshake, sans any lame adornment, and for God’s sake, let that be the end of it. Having sex more than once is so “Room on Fire.”