2004 is coming to a close, and what a raucous year it’s been! We’ve witnessed wardrobe malfunctions, Michael Jackson up to his old tricks again, the musical dominance of Kanye West, “Fahrenheit 9/11,” presidential debates, hot “mandates,” Whispers Caf‚ and, of course, the Facebook. Cadenza therefore humbly submits this obligatory “Best-Of” list, covering everything from Maroon 5 to UGG Boots to Bill O’Reilly’s “falafel.” Enjoy, and we’ll see you in 2005.
Music
The Stay Out of Music Award
Jimmy James Johnson. What do you tell a rap fan with a stab wound at a Vibe Music Awards Show? Nothing. Young Buck already told him once.-RG
It’s a three-way tie! William Hung, Lindsay Lohan and Ron Artest make Ashlee Simpson look like Igor Stravinsky.-MS
Jeff Tweedy. Go away, go away, go go go away.-TW
Worst Song You Still Know All The Words To
If I could just get the lyrics to Japanese pop sensation Natsukawa Rimi’s, “Nada Sousou,” out of my head: “aitakute aitakute kimi e no omoi nada sou sou.”-RG
“Dip It Low,” Christina Milian. I now know how to make my man say “Oh,” if I’m ever so inclined.-MS
Best/Worst Single
Best: “Take Me Out,” Franz Ferdinand. This is rock’s equivalent of a Red Bull and Vodka. An instant party re-engergizer. These four pale Scottish blokes have managed to inject the new-new-wave trend with some much-needed funk.
Worst: “Over and Over,” Nelly ft. Tim McGraw. This song has no words other than “It’s all in my head,” I’m convinced of it.-MS
Best: “Sunrise,” Norah Jones
Worst: “The Reason,” Hoobastank. What’s most remarkable about this song is not how bad it is, but how many top-40 deejays proclaimed it “beautiful,” because it reminded them of their girlfriends, or something.-TW
Best/Worst New Band
Best: Again, I have to say Franz Ferdinand. There were several great debuts this year, but the Franzie’s album stands out for its freshness and universal enjoyability. All the songs are winners. Even “Michael,” which makes even the most sexually comfortable man feel all funny inside.
Worst: The Killers. Your cool hair doesn’t hide the fact that you probably made yourselves listen to old Duran Duran records to perfect your “retro-synth” sound. Plus your name is unbecoming of even a bunch of 30-year-olds trying to convey teenage angst in a garage rock band.-MS
Best: A case could be made for the Scissor Sisters, so delightfully gay be they, but the Darkness managed to put one over on everybody (or not) and crank out one of the happiest, most indelible singles of the year.
Worst: Wilco.-TW
The Hang Up the Hat Award
Marilyn Manson. Seriously, man, it’s time to call it quits. You only scare marketing people these days. And Johnny Cash beat you to a cover of “Personal Jesus.” Plus, he’s actually dead!-MS
Kanye West. Because you might as well go out on top, man.-TW
Best verse of Maroon 5’s “This Love”
While I’m certainly partial to the introductory stanza, what with the “fire burning in her eyes,” as well as “the chaos that controlled my mind,” Adam Levine’s sensual delivery only reaches its peak with the masterful double meanings of the second verse, where he “tried [his] best to feed her appetites,” “to keep her coming every night-so hard to keep her satisfied.” I actually didn’t catch the whole “coming” bit until I heard it get edited on MTV, and then of course I felt like the world’s biggest prude.-TW
Politics
Best Red State/Blue State
Red: Ohio. How do you ask a state to be the last state to die in Vietnam?
Blue: Washington D.C. Oooooh, got ya!-RG
Red: South Dakota. Sure, it only has 3 electoral votes, but it knows its place as a soldier in the Great Red Swath that runs down middle America. South Dakota, your vote is not forgotten!
Blue: New Jersey. It’s only an eighth of the size of South Dakota, but it has five times as many votes. I guess we can thank it for “Garden State” as well.-MS
Red: Wyoming. All props to our sister school, Washington University in Cheyenne.
Blue: Minnesota. For Prince and Kirby Puckett.-TW
Bush Cabinet Member We’ll Miss the Most
John Ashcroft. Rumors have it he’s coming back home to be groomed for the next Cadenza music editor position.-RG
Tom Ridge was such a teddy bear. Every time he changed the color-coded terror threat levels I just wanted to give him a big ol’ hug.-MS
Best/Worst Political Strategy
Best: Barack Obama’s “Dude, my dad’s from Africa!” angle.
Worst: Kerry’s “I felt it was my duty to serve because I went to Yale” angle. Any political traction gained from the first is instantly erased by “Uh, that dick went to Yale?”-KC
Best/Worst Politician’s Catch Phrase
Best: Bill Clinton’s “Because I could.”
Worst: Bush’s “Want some wood?” Sexual innuendo – the newest strategy used by politicians.-SC
Hottest News Broadcaster for the Debate
Wolf Blitzer. His name says it all.-PK
Best/Worst Election Controversy
Best: Ukraine. Gigantic rallies in the streets; president, parliament, courts, and populace up in arms; suspicions of the challenger having been poisoned! Old-world style political interest meets American-style election fraud.
Worst: USA (yawn.)-SG
Bush/Kerry Quote of the Year
Bush: “You forgot Poland,” or “There are rumors on the Internets.”
Kerry (Didn’t he run for president?): “Gut check time.”-SG
Fashion
Best/Worst Fashion Idea
Best: Rain Boots. New Bush cabinet, bringin’ and singin’ in the rain.
Worst: UGG Boots. Australia is lame … too much oppression.-RG
Best: “Poland You Are Not Forgotten” t-shirts.
Worst: “Dude, if I just flip my collar up, it’s practically a whole new shirt!!”-MS
Worst: Pairing UGG Boots with ruffled skirts. Who sent out the memo this year? I guess I didn’t receive mine, but apparently “the new thing” is to wear what appear to be really UGGly winter boots with REALLY short skirts. Tell me how this makes any sense? Do you wear really short skirts in the winter or winter boots in the summer? Can someone please explain this phenomenon to me?
Best: Wearing none of the above things.-SC
Literature
The Hang Up the Hat Award
Tom Wolfe. Whenever you want to stop unnecessarily scaring our parents with debaucherous novels about what college life is “really like,” today, it would be great, thanks.-RG
Worst Book by a Celebrity
Celebrities may not be the most literary people, but there are a few times in which a truly horrible book comes along by a washed up no-talent. Although I haven’t read Jimmy Buffett’s “Salty Piece of Land,” since everything he does sucks, I can safely conclude that this is the worst celeb book of 2004.
Best Celeb Book
“Bob Dylan’s Chronicles, Vol. 1.” Again, I haven’t read it but I’ve heard he cites Balzac as one of his influences…okay… -SC
Sports
Biggest New Spectator Sport
Texas Hold ’em. That’s right, NASCAR better watch out. With fancy terminology like “the river” and “the turn,” this new obsession with poker is sure to promote further debt and laziness. I love you, Chris Moneymaker.-PK
Best/Worst Sports TV
Best: Watching your dad get the shit kicked out of him by a real live NBA star.
Worst: Probably golf, it’s usually golf. I’m almost certain that it would be, I mean, I can’t think of anything particularly more boring to watch than golf.-SG
The Screen
Best Old TV Series on DVD
“Knight Rider: Season 1.”-PK
Most Annoying Commercial
U2 iPod “Vertigo” deal. Jesus, Bono, enough.-PK
Worst Idea Ever
Remaking “The Partridge Family.” Kids crying over being the next Danny Bonaduce. What the hell is going on? Stop.-PK
Best/Worst Jude Law Movie
In case you didn’t notice, the “Sexiest Man Alive” was in six (seven counting “Cold Mountain”) films this year, making him the next Brad Pitt faster than you can say “‘Troy’ sucked.”
Best: “Closer,” Mike Nichols’ nasty new drama.
Worst: I can’t really say, but “The Aviator” has the potential to be pretty terrible.-MS
Best/Worst Faded “Star” Documentary
Best: Rodney Bingenheimer in “Mayor of Sunset Strip.” It makes you laugh and makes you cry.
Worst: Metallica’s “Some Kind of Monster.” They just suck. Need I say more?-SC
Best/Worst CG animated films of the year
Best: “Shrek 2.” Can you hear the bandwagon?
Worst: “Polar Express.” Bastardizing a beloved children’s book with tawdry CG and Tom Hanks.-SG
Miscellaneous
Biggest Prick
Michael Moore. Think what you want to think…the rumors are true.-PK
Dick Cheney. They don’t call him “Big Dick” for nothin’.-MS
Best/Worst Celebrity Legal Troubles
Best: The O’Reilly Sex Scandal. Men using vibrators, shower playtime with “falafel” (sic), retribution accusations-how much crazier could it be? It was, however, settled out of court and apparently FoxNews’ legal team has practically erased our collective memory of the event, so if nothing else we’ll put it down for posterity.
Worst: Martha Stewart. How many jail cell redecorating jokes can you make? It seems that the “mine-doesn’t-look-like-hers-did-on-TV” resentment of millions of American housewives has finally been avenged.-SG
Best/Worst Hurricane Name
Best: Karl. South Dakota theme, plus it didn’t kill people.
Worst: Lisa. Uninspired Simpsons reference probably.-SG
Best/Worst Thing About the Dollar Declining
Worst: More tourists.
Best: If it keeps up, Americans will finally be able to have that really cool “hipness” that only comes from living in crushing poverty.-SG
Best/Worst Technology Ad Nauseam
Worst: iPods. Granted, they aren’t “new,” but it seems 2004 has doubtlessly been the year of the iPod. These things have successfully eliminated human interaction on any scale more meaningful than:
Human Being: “Hey, what’s up?”
iPod Symbiote: “OH ITS ABOUT TWO THIRTY”
Human Being: (sighs)
Best: Camera phones. Although annoying as hell in their own right, it’s great how I can take pictures of the Iraqi prisoners I’ve been abusing and then text message them to my mom back in Oklahoma with almost no effort!-SG
Dead Celebrity We’d Most Like to See Come Back as a Zombie
Rodney Dangerfield.-SG
Marlon Brando.-MS
Best Cadenza Resignation
Travis Petersen, long-time Cadenza editor in multiple capacities, quit mid-week, in e-mail form, with terse language that snapped like uncooked asparagi.-TW