Margaret BauerIn the first few weeks after the election, we’ve heard plans to defect to Canada, cries of despair and suggestions for reinvigorating the Democratic party. To which Cadenza says, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!” Instead of fighting against the Republican majority, we should submit ourselves to its tastes and habits, which can only mean one thing-time to redecorate! A culture dictated by conservatism opens up innumerable doors to bold new decorating styles and innovative fashion. We waited to see if our honorable brethren over at Scene would jump on this “‚l‚phant en vogue,” but we can hold back no longer-it’s time to redecorate like a red state!
Home Improvement: Dump the Democratic decor
First things first-set your Internet browser’s homepage to Fox News. That way you can stream “The O’Reilly Factor” while you transform that dumpy dorm room of yours. It’s like “Whistle While You Work,” only so much more patriotic! Now, let’s start with the walls. That “Fight Club” poster has just got to go. We can’t advertise a film that advocates the anarchical overthrow of corporate America, now can we? Of course not-big business is our friend. A laissez-faire attitude towards corporations is the only way to ensure that the free market is most productive. And that “Bob Marley” poster? There’s no way that profligate pot-smoker is ever going to get a job at Goldman-Sachs with those “dread-locks.” Here’s a better idea-have you bought an American flag lately? The bigger, the better. Drape the flag across your wall so that every square foot is filled with Ol’ Glory. Instant wallpaper!
Now it’s time for some pictures. In terms of pop culture icons, Jesus Christ is so hot right now. Any old picture of JC will do, but you’ll get extra points if you can commission an artist to render Him in a mural on any un-flagged portion of your wall that might remain. Then of course there’s our fearless leader. Avoid any “negative” pictures of President Bush (as if that isn’t a complete oxymoron!) that the liberal media so viciously propagates. And if you can find an image of both Bush and Jesus together, you’ve struck decorating gold. As a final tip, I recommend erecting a giant stone slab engraved with the Ten Commandments. There’s nothing more fashionable this season that bringing religion into the public sphere!
Fashion: Get a haircut, you hippie
Fashion alert! Have you seen what’s allowed to pass for clothing these days? It’s positively Philistine! Students are walking around in pajama bottoms and hooded sweatshirts-hardly the proper attire for an ambitious young businessperson. Whatever happened to a clean pair of chinos and a crew cut? Nowadays you’re lucky to find one classy sweater-vest or modest blouse in this sea of grubby Chuck Taylors, perilously low-cut tops, and “vintage” t-shirts. (I’m sorry, but when I think “vintage,” I think of a classic Cabernet Sauvignon, hahaha.) Obviously, fashion is under attack by activist judges, and it’s time to step up and defend its sanctity. You can start by cutting that unruly mop of straw you call hair. We can’t all be Jesus!
Next, buy yourself a nice Brooks Brothers suit. Be sure to avoid blue at all costs. Blue is so out this year, unless you fancy yourself a godless, anti-American communist. Better is a mellow red, symbolizing the American heartland and the blood of our fallen patriots. Or perhaps you’d do well with a subtle grey or brown, to help you blend in with the faceless mass of CEOs you’ll soon be joining. And don’t forget, the hip new trend this year is to have your tailor fasten a bulging, remote communications device in the back of your suit, so you can better report the un-American activities of your fellow citizens to the proper authorities. The Patriot Act: helping law enforcement make America safer. But really, the point is to cut loose and have fun with your fashion! You’ve gotta use your spunk and creativity to craft a personal style that’s decidedly unique, but ultimately and unquestioningly conservative in every way.
The Bookshelf: Out with the old, in with the Neoconservative
Is that Noam Chomsky I see on your shelf? Unh-uh! That’ll have to go; we can’t have the promising young venture capitalists of tomorrow wasting their minds on heathen socialist propaganda. Groucho Marx once said, “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend, inside of a dog it’s too dark to read,” but who would believe someone with that last name? Seriously, friend, what a New American Century needs is a New American Reading List. You might be asking, “But I thought that all books or new knowledge are valuable for their own sake,” and I might then call you a communist and report you to Homeland Security. Books are often very dangerous, advocating outdated and unfashionable positions like socialism. You’re never going to make the cover of Forbes magazine or the National Review reading all of that communist nonsense, so let’s give that musty old library a makeover like we’ve got a mandate to do it!
The first step is to throw out all that red literature your political science teachers have been making you buy (and by red I mean communist, not our very own red states, God bless ’em). Capitalism is clearly our base, and anything advocating its overthrow is out of the question. Any literature written after 1500 is probably subversive and could contain “metaphors” or “allegories” speaking out against the blessed system, so to be safe toss it all out except for the “Left Behind” series (buy these if you don’t already own them). The next step is eliminating political philosophy of all kinds, because if our Commander-in-Chief’s favorite political philosopher is Jesus, then by God, so is ours! Also remember that we’re involved in a coalition, so out with that French and German nonsense, and instead try works from friendly nations like England, Italy, Azerbaijan, the Martial Islands, Uzbekistan and who could forget, Poland.
So what’s left? A Bible is crucial, as it gives us all the information we might need with regard to philosophy, morality, politics and, most importantly, science. A dictionary could be a good, as liberals often use large words to obfuscate discourse. (Oops! Still working out some old habits!) Aside from that, the only thing you should be reading is some good-old-fashioned neoconservatives, such as William Kristol or Ann Coulter, whose militant adherence to the party line will placate even the greatest doubts. You’re now ready to take the world by storm with unilateralism that would put even Donald Rumsfeld to shame.
What to do with those old books, you ask? The best thing of all is, you can cut down on landfill space by burning these obsolete books like you would leaves in the fall-better yet, make it a community event!
We hope you’ve found our fashion guide helpful, fun, and blindingly Republican! Let’s be honest-that stagnant old liberal culture was getting pretty bland. It was time to breathe a little Left-hating life into the decorating world. And we all know that a culture of life is necessary for a free, civilized society. But wait, you might say. Where am I going to get the money to pay for all these alterations? One step ahead of you, my friend-your parents’ hefty tax cut is going to come in quite handy when redecorating time rolls around! So enjoy the next four years-nay, the rest of your life!-and remember to keep it red, right and Republican! Happy redecorating!