Margaret BauerAt approximately 11:09 PM last night, as President George W. Bush and Senator John Kerry were walking together down Washington Avenue towards the Loop, they were accosted by three men in ski masks. The purpose of the trip, according to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, was to “check out the new Nelly at Vintage Vinyl. Senator Kerry was going to buy ‘Sweat,’ while George was gonna peep ‘Suit.'” The route between campus and the Delmar Loop had been approved by several key intelligence reports, with former CIA director George Tenet going so far as to pronounce it “a slam dunk case.” However, the candidates soon found themselves bogged down in a quagmire.
The actual events of the mugging are highly contested. According to President Bush, one man approached the candidates and demanded, “Your wallets or your lives, motherfuckers!” Mr. Bush claims he defiantly resisted the men, provoking them with a nonchalant “Bring ’em on.” At the time, the President accused the attackers of possessing nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons, but he later qualified that statement with the description “back-alley mugging-related program activities.”
Mr. Bush claims that while Senator Kerry whimpered in the background, desperately dialing UN Secretary General Kofi Annan on his cell phone, he warded off the assailants by pulling his concealed firearm, which he was luckily carrying at the time. “I never go anywhere without Mr. Smith & Wesson,” said the President. “Everyone knows that criminals think twice when they see a man packin’ heat.” No items were stolen or lost during the scuffle save Mr. Kerry’s yellow “Live Strong” bracelet, which the perpetrators wrenched from his wrist while lauding the benefits of cancer research.
Said the president at a later press conference, “I believe this encounter fully illustrates my opponent’s inability to make consistent decisions in the face of danger. Senator Kerry has once again proven himself a flip-flopper. He claimed that he would stand up to the attackers, but as the political winds changed, so did his attitude.” Kerry was quick to counter, asserting that “I actually decided to give the muggers my wallet before I decided against it.”
Mr. Kerry, in fact, paints a decidedly different picture of the altercation. As proof of his involvement in the scuffle, he consistently points to three purple bruises on his right arm. “There was gunfire, and although I was hit and wounded, I managed to drag the president from the line of fire,” he said. “America needs strong leadership right now, and I feel qualified, having served my country as a decorated late-night mugging victim. In addition, this President has continually alienated our allies. At the time, I suggested to Mr. Bush that we only initiate force with the aid and approval of three nearby students in fraternity sweatshirts, shotgunning beers behind an apartment building. President Bush, however, claimed that he already had a ‘coalition of the willing,’ by which I suppose he meant the terrified vagrant hiding behind a recycling bin.”
The event has already spurred much debate on both sides of the political spectrum, with a group calling themselves the “Wash Ave Mugging Victims for Truth” fiercely contesting Senator Kerry’s claims to valor. “Kerry lied to the American people concerning his three purple bruises,” said Jeremy Sanders, a junior majoring in economics and political science, with a minor in Spanish. “One is from a horse-riding accident several weeks ago, and another we believe he inflicted on himself during the heat of battle for self-aggrandizing purposes. The third is just this really gross hickey Teresa gave him after a rally in Tampa, Fla.”
Rogue filmmaker Michael Moore has already staked his claim in the ordeal, revealing plans to film a documentary entitled “Mallinkrodt 9/11,” which he promises will expose the mugging as a ploy used by the Bush administration to somehow further its shady business relationship with Bon Appetit dining services.
Fortunately, in the wake of the attack the candidates were able to complete their journey to Vintage Vinyl, where they were highly disappointed by “Sweat”/”Suit.” “It just doesn’t have the same crunk flava as ‘Hot in Herre’ or ‘Tip Drill,'” said Mr. Kerry. “Have you heard that ‘My Place’ joint? That shit is wack!” In addition, President Bush was delighted to find some classic Black Oak Arkansas on vinyl, while Senator Kerry picked up seminal hardcore group Minor Threat.