IMDB.COMFancy cars. Designer clothes. Sippin’ Courvoisier with the other beautiful celebrities at private parties. These are some of the luxuries that the well-established Hollywood star enjoys. Before they lived in such opulence, most celebrities, actors and directors alike were average schmoes trying to get by on failed television series, or Juicy Fruit commercials. There are always several films from this period that the big-time star or director would rather forget. Check out these mostly embarrassing moments for a blackmail-worthy good time. (In addition to these, be sure to seek out various “Wonder Years” episodes for the debut of many of today’s beloved stars: David Schwimmer, Alicia Silverstone, and Marilyn Manson, if you believe the rumor.)
Death Race 2000 (1975)
Directed by: Paul Bartel
Starring: David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone, Simone Griffith
If there were ever a film that screamed “cult classic,” this is it. Produced by B-movie king Roger Corman, “Death Race 2000” presents a decidedly tongue-in-cheek future in which Americans come together for the “Death Race,” a cross-country contest where larger-than-life drivers score points for killing innocent civilians. David Carradine was already an established star from “Kung Fu” when he starred as the repeat champion Frankenstein, but the real breakthrough performance here is ol’ Sly Stallone, who plays “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo a year before he hit it big as Rocky. He gets to spout classic lines like, “Some people might think you’re cute, but me, I think you’re one very large baked potato.” Watch as he, Frankenstein, Mathilda the Hun, and other colorful characters plow down school children and maul senior citizens on “Euthanasia Day.” Fun fact: “Death Race 2000” and “The Last House on the Left” both feature the talents of Martin Kove, otherwise known as the evil dojo master from “The Karate Kid.”
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Directed by: Amy Heckerling
Starring: a whole bunch of people who are famous now
There’s no need to summarize this one; everyone here has probably seen it at some point or another. What’s worth noting now is that roughly half the known universe had their start with this movie. Only Michael Schulz’s rock musical debacle “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” has more famous people. Sean Penn, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Judge Reinhold, and Phoebe Cates were relative unknowns when this came out. And look at them now! (Statement may not apply to Judge Reinhold.) Also equally notable are early appearances by Nicolas Cage, Forest Whitaker, Eric Stoltz, and Nancy Wilson of Heart-see if you can spot them all. With this new historical context in mind, watch it again for the first time.
The Last House on the Left (1972)
Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Sandra Cassell, Lucy Grantham, David Hess
These days, horror master Wes Craven has enough clout to slap his name on any sub-par flick that comes his way (see “Dracula 2000”), but after viewing “The Last House on the Left” it’s a wonder he ever got off the ground. A rape revenge flick in the tradition of “I Spit on Your Grave,” “Last House” (which has little to do with the titular address) tells the story of Mari (Cassell) and Phyllis (Grantham), two blooming young women who are abducted and abused by a roving band of weirdos. When Mari’s parents discover that they are lodging their daughter’s assailants, they plot their revenge. My personal theory is that Craven rented out a trailer full of crack and allowed everyone involved with this film-cast and crew-to indulge during the shooting, because the acting is off, the camera inexplicably pans to the left and right, and the editing presents the viewer with so many problems that by the end of the movie you won’t know who’s alive or dead.
Meet the Feebles (1989)
Directed by: Peter Jackson
Starring: the Feebles!
Peter Jackson now gets millions to bring to life the epic “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, but at one time the portly New Zealander was making some of the crudest schlock imaginable. Case in point: “Meet the Feebles,” a “Muppets” rip-off featuring a cast of very disgusting puppets. There’s Bletch, the corrupt walrus show manager who gets head from a promiscuous cat on the side, Heidi the Hippo, a former star who now drowns her sorrow in whole pies, and Harry the Rabbit, who seems to have contracted a fatal case of VD. The man who crafted the titanic battle of Helm’s Deep delights in giving us some thoroughly disgusting and surreal visuals, all played against a disturbingly cute puppet backdrop. Blood and gore abound, flies live in a world of poop, a rat films a basement porno dubbed “Anal Antics,” and there’s a song and dance number called “Sodomy” (sample lyrics: “It’s been around for years / And thousands more that can’t be named are interested in rears!”). Kermit and Piggy this ain’t!