Andrew ODellImagine a Thursday night. While the rest of the world goes to bed early in anticipation of one last day of work, you, a college student, begin your weekend early. A night of debauchery follows as you are finally out on your own, away from the prying eyes of parents. Drinks, drugs, sex-Thursday night leaves your mouth full of the sweet taste of sin. But your night is far from over. All of the naughty things you have done have left your stomach growling, not for the spoiled milk and two-week old apples sitting in your tiny dorm room mini-fridge, but for something far more substantial, something far more satisfying. Something that can complement your night, end it on a perfectly gluttonous note. Something to wash down the sin. The only problem is, it’s three in the morning.
So you begin your search for the perfect late night meal. Immediate thoughts for post-midnight munchies run to food with no health value, food cooked in artery-clogging grease, the eating equivalent of the indulgence which took place earlier in the evening. Those immediate thoughts are the correct thoughts, because late night dining is not for the health-conscious, but for the person who wishes to enjoy every sensual pleasure, the type of person who tries to commit all seven of the deadly sins in one evening. For this person, St. Louis offers a myriad of choices for the late-night dollar. Coming down from the evening’s intoxication, there are many options to cap off this perfect night-post-bar, post-party, post-whatever else.
There are plenty of greasy spoons in St. Louis, and this writer has tried them all. Coming down from a sweaty rock and roll show at the Hi-Pointe or the Creepy Crawl, with ears ringing and stomach lined with Pabst Blue Ribbon, the greasy spoon-the somewhat dirty, somewhat sleazy all-night diner, for those not in the know-is the only option.
After a night of carousing, the first thought in St. Louis for late-night food is immediately Steak n’ Shake. A chain series of restaurants, Steak n’ Shake is known for its convenience-there’s practically one on every corner-as well as its reliability. Walk into a Steak n’ Shake at three in the morning, and you will be greeted by a bored teenage waitress who wants nothing to do with you, but in your intoxicated state, you won’t know that. The variety of milkshakes is good, but the real reason to go to Steak n’ Shake is the steakburger-single, double, or triple, just don’t call it a hamburger-and its side of grease-dripping shoestring fries. The perfect food for a drunk stomach, causing acids and bases to mix and bring everything to a balance. The prices are reasonably cheap-a little more than fast food, but not much. The closest location to Washington University is at Big Bend and Manchester, a mile or so south of campus, so it will take a bit of a drive, but its always open, and you will always know what to expect from it.
Steak n’ Shake is a perfect greasy spoon introduction for casual beginners, but seasoned veterans of late-night post-carousal dining will probably be disappointed by its lack of character. For those who wish to venture farther into the gluttonous abyss, there are other, more adventurous and, if you are willing to make the plunge, more rewarding options.
First is Courtesy Diner. With two locations, one on Kingshighway and one on Hampton (this one is walking distance from campus, if you have the endurance), Courtesy is a meat and potatoes dining experience. You can order breakfast food at any time of the day, and their specialty is the slinger, basically a mix of chili, eggs and hamburgers that looks like the least appetizing thing in the world but is the perfect remedy for an empty late night stomach.
Furthermore, they offer exquisite hamburgers and fries, and some of the best, strongest, most elucidating coffee in the St. Louis area.
For sobering up, the coffee alone is worth the trip. With a few booths and a counter, the place is usually pretty full, and you are likely to see some interesting people there to boot. A recent visit revealed a pimp in a purple suit and a fedora with a feather in the brim and two of his working girls (one of whom, named Malibu, offered her services to yours truly), two bikers in Motorhead t-shirts, a group of bohemian artist types, and a couple of tables of good old South St. Louis hoosiers. The service is friendly, the food is good, and the clientele is even better, and to top it all off, Courtesy has a jukebox filled with classic late-night songs-including nearly an entire night’s worth of Johnny Cash’s best. Even more important is the price-three people can stuff themselves on less than ten dollars (not counting what change was stuffed into the jukebox).
On Manchester Road in Maplewood, not far from the Steak n’ Shake mentioned earlier, is the smaller, cozier Tiffany’s Diner. Formerly Morgan’s diner, the place and staff have remained the same for as long as this writer has called St. Louis home-nearly seventeen years at last count. There are no tables, just a long counter with stools. The regulars there also seem not to have changed since the fifties-even the younger folk dress with a rockabilly flair, and upon my last visit, I struck up a conversation with a young lady who was a dead ringer for Bettie Page. If you want to see your food prepared by an age-old woman named Rosey who calls you honey and cooks with a cigarette dangling between her wrinkled old lips, Tiffany’s is the place for you. The food is serviceable, and, like Courtesy, incredibly cheap. This is not a place for non-smokers, however, as the small space traps the chain smoke residue from clientele and staff in. But what greasy spoon is? Like we said earlier, this isn’t about health.
There are other greasy spoons and late night dining spots that deserve mention, and they will be disposed of quickly. Also of note is the South City Diner, though it is more of a bar/pickup spot for young professionals than a true greasy spoon. Cusumano’s, in Maplewood, is a bar that has a three o’clock liquor license, and they serve food up until that point as well. Eat Rite, though an incredible diner, is too far out of the way for University students to worry about, located in South County on Lindbergh, and for the same purpose, Courtesy or Tiffany’s works just as well. White Castle, for late night fast food drive through, is always a perfect fit (the closest is at Big Bend and Manchester). All of these pale in comparison, however, with the ultimate late night dining experience in the St. Louis area, and that is Uncle Bill’s.
Uncle Bill’s, located south of the Medical School on Kingshighway, is a St. Louis institution. Mentioned in any novel set in St. Louis that’s worth its salt, Uncle Bill’s is proof positive that late night dining is meant to be. No matter what time you go to Uncle Bills, whether five in the evening or five in the morning, you have a good chance of waiting in line. But it is well worth it. Once seated, you and your party will be placed in seats along a long row of tables, squeezed in between crowds of other parties. But the feeling is never claustrophobic, in fact it is always friendly, and it is likely that the people sitting around you will be nothing like you. A young, attractive lesbian couple engaged in passionate foreplay after finishing their eggs; a college professor in a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows, discussing the work of postmodernist authors with a pair of fellow intellectuals over coffee; a large black family crammed in next to a group of middle-aged white guys in cowboy hats and Rebel Flag belt buckles; a couple beginning their honeymoon, still in tux and gown after their wedding reception-you may see any or all of these at Uncle Bill’s on a given evening. What could bring together such a diverse group of people under one roof? The perfect stack of buttermilk pancakes smothered in sweet syrup and butter, with a giant slab of bacon on the side, for a very modest price, served by smiling waitresses who call you “hon” and “sugar.” Uncle Bill’s is the best place in St. Louis to see people, the best place to be seen, and has the best breakfast menu, served all day, of anywhere in the area. Though a bit of a drive from campus, it is worth befriending an upperclassman with a car to experience a place that is universal, but, in its own way, inherently St. Louis.
That is but a modest look at all of the late night dining that St. Louis has to offer. The next time you’ve had a long night of partying and need fuel to keep from petering out, this can be your guide.
tpetersen@studlife.com