by Lucky O’Toole
Dear Lucky,
What’s with this tea-bagging phenomenon the campus is all atwitter about these days? I overheard some of my friends talking about it at lunch, saying that they used to do it all the time at summer camp. When I questioned them about it, they mocked me. What exactly is it and why don’t I know the truth?
Sincerely,
Earl Gray
Dear Earl,
Tea-bagging is a phenomenon that emerged in the late medieval period and that involves the placing of the testicles unexpectedly on the body of a victim. It is disputed as to whether or not contact must be established with the oral region. Tea-bagging is non-discriminatory; it occurs between males of all sexual persuasions and socioeconomic backgrounds. In its heyday it was used as an assertion of virility between rival knights, and evolved from a bawdy joke to an act of power and aggression. There’s nothing new about the practice; I too have heard suburban legends about sleep-away camp “high tea.” If your friends reportedly engage in recreational tea-bagging, the only advice I can offer you is to sleep with your mouth closed.
Dear Lucky,
I am very much in love with my girlfriend of six months, and can’t imagine being in a long term relationship with anyone else. We even have tentative plans to move in together after college. Last month I met a woman randomly at a bar while I was out without my girlfriend. We really hit it off even though I wasn’t making a conscious effort to flirt. Though we didn’t exchange numbers that night, I mentioned where I worked, and the next day she dropped by my workplace and asked for my number. I gave it to her. Over the next week we spoke several times on the phone. She kept inviting me to hang out, and finally I acquiesced, thinking it would be as harmless as hanging out with any of my female friends. I went to her place, we ended up drinking, one thing led to another, and I slept with her. I never told my girlfriend about it. Should I feel so guilty? She still contacts me on a weekly basis, and while I wouldn’t mind having her as a casual aquaintance, she’s kind of annoying, and I have no interest of pursuing a friendship or anything more with her. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Man Overboard
Dear Man Overboard,
You certainly have walked the proverbial plank on this one. First of all, you cheated on your girlfriend. I’m not exactly the world’s biggest proponent of monogamy, especially where college relationships are concerned, but the decision to be or not be monogamous has to be a mutual one.
Still, everyone who has been in your situation can empathize with being the oh-so-guilty party. The standard response in such situations is to go running to your significant other, tell them what happened, and beg forgiveness. But why be standard when you can be exceptional? Telling your girlfriend about it will only benefit you. You will be the one alleviating guilt, and your poor girlfriend will just feel like shit. I’m not advocating lying, but I think in this sort of situation, if you swear that it was a one-time thing and you’re never going to sleep with the annoying woman again, then you did the right thing by keeping your guilt to yourself. When it comes to cheating, ignorance can be bliss.
But did I mention that you are an asshole? Everyone makes mistakes, of course, but to walk into the lion’s den because you thought it would be “harmless” is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard. You set yourself up to cheat, and cheat you did. Just imagine how you would feel if you found out some other guy had boned your girlfriend, some “friend” of hers that she thought was “harmless.” Now you’re stuck with this woman on your tail, and you want to know what to do. Tell her you have a girlfriend, for Christ’s sake! That should cool her off. If you don’t want to make yourself look like even more of an ass hole, you could just go with the dishonest flow and say you met someone else recently, and so you won’t be able to see her again as anything other than friends. She sounds like the type that won’t have much use for you after that.