Web MasterEditor’s Especially Scary Pick: Jonathan Swift’s
A Modest Proposal
by Sherief Gaber
As a young lad of perhaps only 10 years old, I stumbled upon a very horrific piece of literature secondhand from a high-school aged babysitter. Now, I’m not sure why she gave me this particular essay; perhaps she had a skewed definition of humor, perhaps she thought I would “get it,” or perhaps my memory fails me and I just took it and read it on my own. Regardless of how it came into my hands, I ended up reading Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” at this tender young age. The following experience did something to me that my psychiatrist enjoys calling “scarred for life.”
Not being able to comprehend satire, as most ten year olds are not able to do, this article made Goosebumps, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, and yes, even Are you Afraid of the Dark? seem about as frightening as the Care Bears episode where Tenderheart and Cheer Bear went on a picnic. “People eating babies?” I asked myself. “I knew the British were a bit odd, but this is grotesque!” As I pondered the essay, I began to imagine Swift writing it with a pen in one hand and a choice leg of baby in the other; meanwhile, in a deeper corner of my psyche, a myriad of Dickensian street urchins were being chased around by a knife-brandishing Henry Higgins (“You’ve dropped your H! Prepare to die!”).
I have to say that until I came around to the text again in high school, I carried with me a deep-seated wariness for veal, double-decker buses, and the Beatles (it was their accents). Now however, the edifying experience of secondary education (and a few years of psychoanalysis) has taught me about satire, so “A Modest Proposal” has lost its bizarre freakishness that could only come from Prof. Higgins actually chasing around some Dickensian chimneysweeps. However, if you have any younger siblings or cousins back at home, I suggest reading this to them for a Halloween fright (preferably over dinner). If you’re feeling particularly devilish, when they ask you why anyone would ever do that, tell them that their friend Jimmy didn’t really transfer to another school.
Terrifying treats for your literary monster
by Molly Sutter
Remember all those stories that scared the crap out of you when you were a kid? Well, if those no longer suffice (or even if you are still scared of Where the Wild Things Are), here are some books to freak out your all-grown-up self, along with a guide to practicing witchcraft. That way, if you don’t want to read your sooooo scary biochem textbook for the next day, you can just bewitch your prof into canceling class for the remainder of the semester.
The Shining
By Stephen King
Pocket Books, 2001 (reissue). 704 pages.
$7.99
Books are always better than the movie, right? Well, this book totally kicks the movie’s butt because it’s about a gazillion times scarier and freakier, and the ending in this one will put that silly maze cop-out to shame. In case you’re one of the few kids who hasn’t seen the movie, the plot is pretty simple-Jack, Wendy, and Danny Torrence go up to the Overlook Motel to take care of it over the winter. Things aren’t so great though; as it turns out the Motel is really evil and Jack turns into its instrument of evil. Oh, and Danny is the original smart kid who sees dead people. It’s real family fun and one of King’s most disturbing works.
Dracula
By Bram Stoker
Signet, 1997 (100th Anniv Ed). 382 pages.
$4.95
If you haven’t read Dracula (or seen any one of the bunch of movies out there), you must have been living under a rock or something, because the old bloodsucker is one of the most recognizable figures in the entire horror genre. Although the book is over 100 years old, it’s amazing how readable it is, and its fast pace will keep you going. The use of journals and memos to tell the story is very innovative, and the complexity of Dracula’s character (besides all the cool stuff he can do, like climb walls) makes this one of the best classic horror novels out there.
The Haunting of Hill House
By Shirley Jackson
Viking Press, 1984 (reissue). 246 pages.
$10.40
One of the freakiest stories ever, this book really delves into the psychological processes behind fear and loneliness. The book’s protagonist, Elanor Vance, is a quiet woman who has led a unremarkable life-that is, until Dr. Montegue invites Elanor to come stay at Hill House because there are some spooky, supernatural stuff happening there. Elanor, tired of her boring life, jumps at the chance, and Elenor’s life definitely gets interesting from there on as the house seduces her with ghosts and visions. Creepy stuff that messes with your mind.what could be better?
Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story
By Christopher Moore
Avon Books, 1996 (reprint). 300 pages.
$10.00
Tommy Floyd is kind of a loser who’s not too happy with his boring life in San Fran, working the night shift at a grocery store. Enter Jody, a vampire who takes quite a liking to Tommy, and not just for his type A, either. According to Amazon, “Their ensuing romance is filled with passion, bloodlust and, of course, an inevitable amount of blood loss.” Awww, how cute is that? The book sounds funny with a bit of a bite against consumerism, as Jody laments that her life is rather empty with all those late night infomercials as the only activity. It’s a funny book to lighten that sinister Halloween mood.
Roald Dahl’s Book of Ghost Stories
By Roald Dahl (duh.)
Noonday Press, 1985. 240 pages.
$10.40
In case you didn’t know, Dahl wrote some awesome adult books too, to compliment his awesome children’s literature. For this book, he read 749 scary tales in the British Museum Library and then picked 14 for this collection. Now, that’s commitment, people! With tales by both well-known authors such as Robert Aickman and Edith Wharton and lesser-knowns like L.P. Hartley and Jonas Lie, the book’s full of vicious variety. Dahl says in the intro, “Spookiness, after all, is the real purpose of the ghost story. It should give you the creeps and disturb your thoughts.” Well said, Roald.
To Ride a Silver Broomstick: New Generation Witchcraft
By Silver Ravenwolf
Llewellyn Publications, 1993. 320 pages.
$10.47
Ms. Ravenwolf is supposedly one of the leading writers about the know-how behind witchcraft, and this book sounds like a great guide for a beginner. It’s basically a workbook for the individual, starting out with the basics like proper vocabulary and building an altar. The more complicated stuff is left out, but the book is chock-full of info and practices to keep you busy for many moons.