Dear Dr. Dave,
Is there a scientific term for the skin in between your asshole and genitals ? If so what is it ? And is there any physiological function that this seemingly useless mass of flesh serves ?
Unsure in Albequer……que
Unsure, I’ve heard that fun fleshy region to which you refer addressed by a whole battery of names: taint ( it taint your huh and it taint your hah), choad, nacha (it’s nacha balls and it’s nacha asshole), the fleshy fun bridge, a rip in the time-space continuum, runway to the red eye, the happiest place on earth, Disneylandtm, and the mouth that never opens. Oddly enough, there is a scientific term for this region, that being the word perineum, from the Greek peri- + inan, to empty out, and now I’m going to do just that, empty out my thoughts on this most highly neglected erogenous zone. The other day I stripped bucky naked and did hand stands in front of a full length mirror in the bathroom on my floor in order to get a good look at my own perineum. That this was research for a column was difficult to explain to the girls that walked into the bathroom as I was doing this. Why I was doing this in the girl’s bathroom merits no explanation. Anyway, though this may not apply in all cases, my perineum is hideous. If one were to let a plumb sit out until it goes bad, devour that plumb, vomit up the plumb, dye that regurgitated plumb red and mold the dyed regurgitated plumb into the shape of a perineum, that is what my perineum looks like. Unsure, I’m sure your perineum and my readerships’ perinea are beautiful. That having been said, my perineum is bigger than yours. I can pinch my perineum and pull it down to in between my knees. Jealous ?
Now to the second part of your question, the physiological function of the perineum. There is no scientific proof for what I’m about to tell you, and while I may go to great lengths in researching my responses I am unwilling to taint my taint in providing you with an answer. That being said, the taint is a hinge. If one’s perineum is removed, his arms and legs immediately fall off, he goes blind, and his once inny belly button becomes an outy. Infants born without perinea were once sent to an island. Only within the past 3 days has science found an answer for the parents of these perinea-less infants. That’s right, rotten, regurgitated, remolded plumbs.
Dear Dr. Dave,
For the most part I am not a hairy man. The hair on my chest is sparse, there is no hair on my back, arms or legs, and I have trouble growing facial hair. Now that that’s out in the open, let me explain to you that my nipples are excessively hairy, I mean hairy to the point that it looks like I’m perpetually wearing nipple tassels. I would shave or pluck or wax, but my excessively hairy nipples are also excessively sensitive. My last efforts resulted in a bloody mess. What do you recommend ?
Shaggy in Shelbyville
Shaggy, after considering your conundrum for some odd hours, genius struck. My answer is simple and effective. I will kill two birds with one stone to leave your nipples in tact and seemingly hairless. I am going to assume that your nipple hair has reached a length that will permit braiding. I am instructing you to braid your nipple hair as tightly as your threshold for pain will allow. Once you achieve a braid of about shoelace thickness try wrapping this braid around the nipple. The wrapped braid will provide a shield of sorts. You will be able to run marathons without any worry of irksome chaffing. You’ll be able to take sandpaper to your nipples without hesitation. Bound hair is infinitely durable. I own a pair of tightly woven horse hair boxers. I once agreed to be dragged behind a truck wearing naught save my horse hair boxers. I was sure to only allow my posterior to touch the ground as I was dragged and found the truck out of gas before my boxers wore through. Hence, I have the utmost confidence that my advice will provide for the safety of your nipples, while eliminating that tassely appearance that you so despise.