Dear Dr. Dave,
I know your advice usually applies exclusively to humans, but lately I’ve been having a problem with my dog. He humps with reckless abandon: the mailman, the couch, the floor lamp, and nearly every statue in my wa museum, except for Delroy Lindo, Arfy stays away from Delroy. I once took Arfy to Sears only to be kicked out and permanently banned after Arfy broke every mannequin leg in the pantyhose department. What do you recommend I do to curb this insatiable libido?
Cleaning Dog Juices in Massachusetts
Cleaning, any normal advice columnist-type might tell you to consider having your dog neutered as a means of cracking down on his humping. I, on the other hand, would never tell anyone to in any way alter the genitalia of any living organism. That just ain’t right. Instead, I am going to provide for you a comprehensive plan that just might help you abate the humping.
Step 1: Stop masturbating. If Arfy ever catches you in the act, it will be that much harder to explain to him that what he’s doing cannot be tolerated. It is especially important that you immediately discontinue any masturbation that involves the mailman, the couch, the floor lamp or your wax statues, since these seem to be favorite victims of Arfy’s. If you are unable to cease masturbating, try doing it in Arfy’s dog house. See how he feels about you invading his space in the same manner he is now invading yours.
Step 2: The neutering alternative. Find a picture of a Pug and a Great Dane having sex. Apparently, to dogs, this is the equivalent of Rosie O’Donnell and Carrot Top’s head on Rodney Dangerfield’s body having sex. This will, undoubtedly wreak havoc on Arfy’s sex drive. Try keeping a number of these pictures around the house. Tape one to the couch, the mailman, and the floor lamp. Frame and hang them among your wax statues. Make shirts bearing the picture for you and your friends to wear so as to avoid being humped and stained yourselves.
Step 3: The neutering alternative’s alternative. Cadenza provides two pictures on the back page of this issue, one of a Mr. Brian Hamman, and a second of a Ms. Marisa Wegrzyn. Try cutting out these pictures and gluing them to the heads of Barbie and Ken dolls respectively. Use these dolls to act out scenes from the movie, “The Crying Game.” Doing this will force Arfy to question his current perception of gender roles, and, God willing, see why forcing his masculinity on inanimate objects only serves as a means of propagating stereotypes assigned to horny male canines.
Dear Dr. Dave,
I’m a male iguana currently living with a bubbly, overbearing female human and her female cat. Now, before I entered into this new living situation I had never been one to do too much experimenting, but, well, just the other day that cat rubbed up against me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. I mean, that pussy was all soft and warm and cuddly and it smelled like fish, because, you know, pussy cats like to eat fish. Anyway, I guess my question is: Is there something wrong with me for being attracted to a member of another species?
Bilford Maddox the Iguana
Bilford, when in jail, many normally heterosexual inmates find themselves looking to homosexual sex acts as a means of appeasing their raging libidos. I feel that, perhaps, your plight isn’t much different. Being placed in an environment void of any female iguanas has obviously offset your [Editor: insert fancy psych phrase referring to the tendency of an individual to generally be attracted to members of his or her own species]. You shouldn’t be ashamed. The cat and woman with whom you live may both be having similar feelings. I mean bestiality may be illegal, but it’s not entirely unheard of. I get at least two e-mails a day directing me to sexy farm action web-sites.
And to my readers: I apologize for the lewdness and inappropriateness of this column, but if I were to have excluded Bilford’s query and my consequent response I would have been doing Bilford, you, the readership, and myself a disservice. Bilford is in a bad way and needs reassurance, reassurance only to be found in my comforting words. I have a gift, and I feel as though it would be selfish of me to keep that gift locked up and hidden away from the world.