Web MasterGlitter
Starring: Mariah Carey
Directed by: Vondie Curtis Hall
by Ryan Carey
There are many great men and women in the world who deserve to have a movie made about them. Gandhi was rightfully the basis of a great movie and so was Andy Kaufman. So what culturally deficient group of people decided that the next film based on real life must be about Mariah Carey?
Someone, somewhere, thought it would be a good idea. And from that misguided choice, Glitter was born. The film follows the story of a girl named Billie who is played by Mariah Carey. The story is a bit different from Mariah’s, but unfortunately it’s probably much less interesting.
The first 15 minutes of the film show some promise while providing Billie’s troubled past. The film starts with a 10-year-old Billie sitting on a stool in a dingy nightclub. She’s listening to her drunken mother sing and is persuaded to join her mom for a duet. And boy, the girl has some lungs! She upstages her mom and lets us know that the rest of the movie is going to be filled with piercing screams from Mariah’s.er.Billie’s mouth.
To everyone’s dismay, Social Services takes the girl away from her lush of a mother and puts her into an orphanage where she meets some new friends. Up to this point, the acting and directing seem fine and one suspects that the movie might actually be decent and enjoyable. But then the film jumps to an early 80’s dance club scene, which is never a good sign. Billie is a dancer, singer, and all around popular girl who finds that success is easier to find than anyone would ever think.
The next hour and a half simply shows Billie’s rise to fame. There are almost no challenges, obstacles, or acting involved during this time. A producer approaches and asks if she and her friends want to be backup singers, which seems to be a big step-up. She does what anyone offered with a job opportunity would do: rejects it. Billie’s friends are not so content with their jobs and convince Billie to take the offer. We then hear more of Billie’s amazingly high-pitched singing. She’s born to be a star.
Soon enough, Billie goes to another nightclub where a DJ named Dice (Max Beesley) romances her and also offers to serve as her new producer. With his help, she quickly becomes famous and hits the top of the dance charts. Everything goes just right from that point on. Carey has the same vapid look on her face for the entire time. She smiles and sings. That’s it. One would think the plot would have some confrontation for the protagonist. It is not so here. Nothing bad really happens until the last 15 minutes of the film. And by that point, the movie has left you so emotionally numb that you don’t even care. Even Billie shows little emotion following a seemingly traumatic event.
There are some attempts by the director, Vondie Curtis Hall (who directed Tupac Shakur in Gridlock’d) to give some style and meaning to the film. After nearly every other scene, there is an aerial view of the streets of New York. Unfortunately this quickly tires. There are also some cheesy special effects when Billie first meets Dice. It’s beyond description how unnecessary such effects are. Every other effect used cheapens the movie more than it already is.
There are only two reasons a person should go watch this movie. The first is for a laugh. Go with a group of friends and laugh at Mariah Carey-it’s very therapeutic. The second reason is that you won’t leave sad. If you like leaving a movie in an apathetic mood, go see Glitter. It won’t leave you depressed for a moment, that is, until you realize you spent five dollars to see it.
**
Serendipity
Starring: John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale
Directed by: Peter Chelsom
by Brian Mcwilliams
One bright sunny day in Hollywood, CA, a man named Bob, still in a drunken stupor from the night before, decided to make his very own movie. Because this is how most ideas first take shape in Hollywood, it would serve to take a closer look at the process involved in transforming Bob’s idea into a major motion picture (coming soon to a theater near you!).
Bob: Well, I just wrote this movie script called Serendipity and….
Miramax Bigwig: Sold!
Bob: ….riiight… (blank stare)….. Anyway it’s a romantic comedy about two people who fall in love and live happily ever after.
Miramax Bigwig: Wait just a minute, people won’t believe that nonsense! We do have some standards here in Hollywood (*hmph*).
Bob: Right…. I suppose I could re-write the part of the chick to be one of those new-age woo-hoos (that’s trendy, right?) who believes in fate and destiny. Then I can have her virtually destroy their chances of being together, forcing the guy to chase her around until the audience gets bored! To keep the pace up, and since I’ve already established that they’re complete idiots, I’ll have them both be engaged to the wrong people. A race against the clock for true love, if you will.
Miramax Bigwig: Now you’re thinking outside the box, kid. So I see the romance, but where will the comedy come from?
Bob: In the absurdity of their situation, sir.
Miramax Bigwig: That’s not enough; remember what I told you about our standards, uh….., what did you say your name was again?
Bob: Bob.
Miramax Bigwig: Right, Bob, when we make a romantic comedy, we want LOTS of romance and LOTS of comedy. We usually like to include some heavy-handed humor that insults the audience’s intelligence….. drives the critics nuts (and since nobody listens to them, boosts ticket sales). Why don’t you give them witty best friends or something?
Bob: Why, that’s a great idea! After all, what’s a no-talent hack like me doing writing a movie script without the comic relief buddy role?
Miramax Bigwig: (*chuckle*) … I have no idea, Bob.
Bob: Okay, so they’ll each have best friends who will originally serve as the voice of reason. But once they see how much fun it is to aimlessly wander New York for hours and hours without a clear destination or purpose, they too can’t help but get caught up in search for true…..
Miramax Bigwig: Boooring….
Bob: You didn’t let me finish, sir. They’ll get caught up in the search for true love…. while firing off hilarious one-liners! And can I make the best friends fall in love, too?
Miramax Bigwig: That’s a big N-O Bobbo. That would be too complicated for our core audience to follow.
Bob: And who might that be, sir?
Miramax Bigwig: Mostly college students looking for an excuse to get laid, very, very old people…. and teenage girls. You see, we can’t fully develop more than two of the characters. If we did, our audience wouldn’t know which ones to swoon over, and would leave feeling completely alienated and cheapened.
Bob: But isn’t that what we’re trying to accomplish as film-makers, anyway?
Miramax Bigwig: No, no, no, what we’re really trying to accomplish is a line of Serendipity action figures (with a spring-loaded action kick-those are so cool), “sometimes fate just wants you to eat some cereal” cereal made from whole wheat and oats, “fate won’t let me get hurt on one of these” razor scooters, and to start pre-production on Serendipity Episode II: Attack of the In-Laws.
Bob: But that’s a terribly shitty name for a movie!
Miramax Bigwig: If George Lucas can do it, so can we.
Bob: I think I’m gonna be sick….
Miramax: Well it looks like we’re in business, but who will you get to play these career-ending roles of yours?
Bob: I’ll cast John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale, rumor has it they’re strapped for cash.
Miramax Bigwig: Sold!
So there you have it, a not as exaggerated as you’d like to think look at the making of Serendipity.
** (for unintentional comedic value)
Hearts in Atlantis
Starring: David Morse, Anton Yelchin
Directed by: Scott Hicks
by Kevin Skiena
Stephen King books that are adapted to film have a habit of being either loved or hated. Among the loved are The Shawshank Redemption, Stand by Me, and The Green Mile. The hated include Thinner and The Langoliers. King is a great storyteller and the difference between his books and their silver screen adaptations usually depends on the talent of the screenplay writer and director. Unfortunately for Hearts in Atlantis, these are the film’s two major weaknesses.
The story begins when Bobby Garfield (David Morse) receives news of his childhood friend’s death and returns back to his hometown for the funeral. The rest of the movie is a flashback to 1960, when young Garfield (Anton Yelchin) passed his time with his best friends, Carol (Mika Boorem) and Sully (Will Rothhaar). Bobby lives with his widowed mother (Hope Davis) in a small, New England town, and his life changes-for the stranger-when a new tenant, Ted Brautigan (Anthony Hopkins), arrives to rent an upstairs room.
Ted is a peculiar man who enlists young Bobby to help him spot strange signals in town. It also becomes clear early in the movie that Ted possesses some supernatural ability. He has peculiar insights into other people’s minds and has a habit of drifting off into space.
The story, in and of itself, is intriguing and the acting, overall, is superb. Hope Davis gives an exceptional performance as the self-involved Elizabeth Garfield and the child actors hold their own. Hopkins, as always, gives his character exactly what it needs to be realized. The movie is beautifully filmed and the director, Scott Hicks, is best remembered for his work in Shine and Snow Falling on Cedars.
The problem for Hearts in Atlantis does not lie in the acting or the story, but in what it does not give the audience. The movie raises interesting and important questions that it doesn’t answer. The mystery of Bobby’s father and his mother’s hatred of his father are never explained. The movie runs for 101 minutes and would have benefited strongly from another 20. Parts of the film seem rushed or abbreviated. The relationship between Bobby and Sully is weakly established and the friendship that Bobby fosters with Ted feels unnatural for the first few scenes. Bobby and Ted’s characters are also written on a level that diminishes the characters. It’s frustrating to see good acting forced down to a level necessary to carry poorly written lines.
The movie is slightly redeemable. The scenery is picturesque and certain plot devices are effective, but I wasn’t drawn completely into the story, which moves too quickly from scene to scene and lacks cohesion and consistency. Elizabeth Garfield stands out as one of the more interesting characters in the film, but her role is small and her history is underdeveloped. With such outstanding performances entangled in a mediocre script, the film is nothing but potential. Hearts in Atlantis is an interesting, poorly developed film that dances with the danger of clich‚. It passes the time, but is easily forgettable.
**