To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
ARIES
(The St. Louis Ram)
(March 21-April 19)
After the Super Bowl win you were the most popular kid in town but alas! nowadays no one wants you. Get used to it. Try some soul searching, it will make you understand why no one likes you.
Love Forecast: Gee, I wonder.
TAURUS
(The Bull)
(April 20-May 20)
You could win $1,000,000 in the lottery this week….it all depends on whether you pick the right numbers or not. Good luck!
Love Forecast: The more money you have the rosier the forecast looketh.
GEMINI
(The Twins)
(May 21-June 20)
Time to get your priorities straight! You’re spiraling down into an abyss of diplomas, accolades, and a 4.0 GPA. The time has arrived to stop all of this self-destruction and focus on getting your life back on track to government assistance. It’s never too late to start.
Love Forecast: Stop trying to meet people at the library—the only person you’ll find there is me. Go to a bar with drunks instead.
CANCER
(The Crab)
(June 0-June 0)
The stars tell me that you are not looking in the right place.
Love Forecast: Seeing as how you pay little attention to detail you’re probably not very picky about who you choose as your mate. That’s good, because the good ones are definitely not attracted to you.
LEO (The Lion)
(July 23-August 22)
You need to stop your daydreaming and start living in reality. This means finally telling your parents about that arrest and letting go of Chris/Christy – your crush in pre-school. Once you have unloaded yourself of having to carry around such burdens you will be free to…..
Love Forecast: …..have your heart broken by someone named Buba, whom you will meet during your next incarceration.
VIRGO
(The Virgin)
(August 23-September 22)
Do you realize that registration for fall classes starts tomorrow? Are you now worried because you haven’t chosen a single class? Tisk, tisk, looks like you’re screwed.
Love Forecast: Look at the person nearest to you. Take them into your arms and tell them you love them. Did they slap you? Please let me know, I’m keeping a tally.
LIBRA
(The Scales)
(September 23-October 22)
This weekend is a good time to let loose. Put on your nicest piece of clothing, get together a small group of your favorite friends, spray on some cologne/perfume, and go to Wal-Mart.
Love Forecast: The person who pushes those shopping carts at the Wal-Mart parking lot is going to look mighty good. Live on the edge. Do the impossible. Dare to be spontaneous. Tell them that they missed a cart at the southern end of the lot.
SCORPIO
(Take a wild guess…)
(October 23-Novermber 21)
Everyone around you is moody and irritable because break is over. Don’t let them get you down. Eat 5,000 calories per day, gain 150 pounds, fail an exam, and hence be the cause of your own downfall.
Love Forecast: Women don’t like whiners, and men don’t like women who DO like whiners, so try to figure out how that could conceivably apply to you.
SAGITTARIUS
(The Archer)
(November 22-December 21)
Today is your lucky day! It appears that you share my sign, and therefore this horoscope will offer you nothing but bliss and eternal happiness.
Love Forecast: True love is about to come knock
ing on Aquarius’ door so make sure you get Aquarius out of the house. If you can’t be happy, no one else can either.
CAPRICORN
(The Sea Goat)
(December 22-January 19)
It’s time to be true to your sea goat nature and admit to your obsession with that certain professor. As a genuine sea goat you must not let this get in your way of fulfilling your true potential, that is, of earning a solid C in that particular class.
Love Forecast: None, I am sorry, the university probably has strict rules about professor-student relationships.
AQUARIUS
(The Water Bearer)
(January 20-February 18)
I see something very interesting in your future…..it involves you, a bedpost, rope….Hmm, how strange, I see the sign “State Psychiatric Institution”, as well.
Love Forecast: You will meet the girl/guy (or both?) of your dreams today. Make the most of your time together for tomorrow they will deflate as all blow-up dolls eventually do.
PISCES
(The Fishes)
(February 19-March 20)
I think that you’re old enough to hear this: I’m beginning to doubt my ability to actually foretell your future using the stars. Refer to the horoscope in Sunday’s St. Louis Post-Dispatch to be misled and disappointed.
Love Forecast: Mark Twain was right…. “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt.”