A white guy’s spring fashion guide
Ah, spring: The smelly trees are flowering, the over-watered grass is green and the salmon are spawning. Salmon shorts, that is. With an onslaught of salmon-colored shorts expected to take campus by storm next week, we at Student Life feel it’s important to offer our best fashion tips for white guys this spring season.
Spring weather means no snow. And no snow means you can finally break out your fresh kicks without the fear of road salt eating away at your soles. The kicks you choose depend on where you’re headed. Going to the dock for an afternoon sail? Slip on your Sperry Docksiders. Gonna play a round on the green? Slip on your Sperry Docksiders. Heading to a formal event and need to impress your date? Slip on your Sperry Docksiders. They’re the perfect shoes, because they let your feet breathe in that fresh spring air, and the only by-product is the release of noxious fumes coming from your un-socked feet sweating and rubbing endlessly against low-grade brown leather. Oh, and that beautiful squeak that they produce after a spring shower. But don’t let the rain stop you, because that same leather—now wet—will stain your soles a healthy brown.
Want to avoid all the sweat, smells and stains? Slip on some socks. Some top-of-the-line, white Nike socks will do. Preferably the kind you bought five years ago when you tried out for junior varsity basketball (Your mom still says they should have picked you over Brad Garkowski as the starting point guard). They should cover most (if not all) of your shin. Then, stretch them so tight that the elastic bands want to scream out “Stop it Mr. Cheney, this is torture!” Now, you’re ready for whatever life throws at you, except for any movement faster than a brisk walk.
A plain shirt from a T-shirt cannon
On the rare day that you aren’t wearing a short-sleeved, button-down shirt from J.Crew, put on a shirt that you won from a T-shirt cannon at, say, a St. Louis Rams game. This shirt will be an immediate conversation starter, even if it is just a plain white T-shirt sponsored by Papa John’s, because of its hideousness and symbolism of American capitalism gone wrong. People will understand that you are wearing it ironically, of course.
If this isn’t quite your style, don’t worry—you can choose instead to wear the free T-shirt you got after participating in a 5K to raise money for a charity. Sure, you may have walked the whole time and only raised $50, but nobody has to know that.
The charm of this wardrobe staple stems from its ubiquity. Don’t be afraid to wear the exact same pair of shorts as literally half of the guys in your General Chemistry lecture! There’s just something magical about walking through the Danforth University Center and spotting a group of friends with their thighs all sheathed in the same shade of faded pinky-red.
If you want to branch out, though, there’s a whole pastel color palette to choose from. From lemon yellow to sky blue, the legwear options are endless, as long as your shorts are crisp, Bermuda-length and in a color that you wouldn’t wear on any other article of clothing.
For a more adventurous style, try Chubbies. These pint-sized shorts give off a humble, definitely-not-a-douchebag vibe. You can feel secure in your masculinity and superior to your long-short-wearing friends as you proudly proclaim “Sky’s out, thighs out.”
A snapback baseball hat
With the sun shining for the seemingly first time in months, you might think it’d be smart and cool to purchase a snapback to protect yourself from the sun. Except, you won’t use this hat for any practical reasons, because you have to wear this hat backwards.
Perhaps, you could get a Washington Nationals snapback that prominently displays a “W” to demonstrate an ounce of pride in your University’s namesake. You could also wear a St. Louis Cardinals hat to fit in with everyone else, or, if you want to be “different,” you could don a Chicago Cubs hat while pretentiously sipping tea at Tuesday Tea at 3.
No matter what baseball hat you choose, though, the most important part is to keep the shiny New Era sticker on the flat bill of the hat. Trust me, you don’t want to know what happens if you take this sticker off.
Now that you’ve assembled your wardrobe, you need that one accessory to pull the outfit together. I suggest the rope bracelet, because it is the perfect way to wear a bit of jewelry while still asserting your rippling masculinity. The rope bracelet harkens back to a time of yore, when men stared into the black maw of a sea in storm and cried defiantly, “Not today,” all while repairing a sail with a length of hemp salvation they had conveniently tied to their wrist. You don’t even have to step foot into a boat to get one, as J. Crew sells a circular dose of salty calluses for $9.50 on its website.
The fade haircut
The days of Justin Bieber’s “Baby” haircut have passed, and if you’re no longer in middle school, you probably (read: definitely) shouldn’t have perpetually greasy sweeping side bangs anymore. So what’s in style these days if the wannabe skateboarder look no longer flies? The fade. Especially if it’s longer on top, buzzed on the sides and gelled up just the right amount. Even Bieber has hopped on this trend as part of his rebranding, and no one does basic white boy hair quite like the Biebs (except maybe Justin Timberlake’s ramen noodle *NSYNC hair). The only problem with the fade: your hair might get a little bit smashed under your snapback.