Godiva Reisenbichler | Student Life

1. Lady Gaga: I can only imagine what type of costume Lady Gaga would wear to the Thanksgiving parade. If the songstress herself couldn’t make an appearance, I’d love to wake up to Gaga look-alikes in all her old crazy costumes.

2. The “Twilight” vampires: Accompanying the winter wonderland theme that Thanksgiving brings about, the Cullens could sparkle on a snowy float.

3. David Freese: The St. Louis Cardinals third baseman won both the National League Championship Series and the World Series MVP awards, and those honors make him deserving of the national stage. He gave a great interview on Leno, and he’s pretty much a cutie. Why not have him waving all day?

4. The Man in Black from “Lost”: We in Cadenza never need an excuse to bring up “Lost,” but the smoke monster would be an awesome balloon. It would barely need any engineering—just fill up some black fabric with helium. Plus, maybe the accompanying float would have Terry O’Quinn on it. That wouldn’t be the worst thing.

5. The house from “Up”: Since it already floats, the “Up” house seems like it would be a natural fit for a parade balloon. The colorful balloons attached to the house would brighten up the day.

6. The cast of “Community”: The parade airs on NBC, and NBC has a lot of explaining to do to “Community” fans for pulling the low-rated but beloved show off the midseason schedule. Having the cast appear would maybe soften the blow a tiny bit.

7. A giant pumpkin: This one doesn’t seem to make much sense, but let me explain. People always get mad when Christmas starts in October, claiming that it’s encroaching on the Halloween season. To get back at those people, have Halloween invade the beginning of Christmas.

8. Puss in Boots: His solo movie just opened a few weeks ago, but you may not want to shell out the money needed for the full 3D experience. Instead, wouldn’t it be great to stare at the adorable cat when he’s enlarged to balloon size floating over New York City streets?

9. Ted Drewes frozen custard: In order to drum up some interest in St. Louis tourism, why not advertise for Ted Drewes? The balloon would confuse and delight, but the float members throwing frozen custard to the parade viewers would certainly drum up some excitement. And maybe some brain freeze.

10. The remaining Republican presidential candidates: What better way to campaign than from a traveling float in New York? Judging who has the best wave is probably just as valid as judging their stances on issues, anyway.

Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1,” will be released at theaters nationwide on Nov. 18, 2011.

I started reading the books when I was a freshman in high school, and the series still brings out my squealing-teenage-girl side. The movies, so far, have stuck with what “Twilight” did best: melodramatic storylines coupled with guilty-pleasure fan service.

That said, “Breaking Dawn” should never have been made into a movie, let alone two.

Let’s consider what will happen in “Breaking Dawn – Part 1,” shall we? There will be a wedding. That bit is fine—the book took up 86 pages describing the sappy sentimentalism of the engagement, ceremony and reception. Lots of looking soulfully into each other’s eyes, promising (literally) eternal love, and no plot whatsoever.

There will be a sex scene. God only knows how far director Bill Condon will go with that, but considering the film is rated PG-13, and considering that Stephanie Meyer herself opted to skip the scene completely, probably not far.

Bella wakes up in the morning looking like a victim of spousal abuse, but she completely brushes it off. The antifeminist implications are astounding, and it will be even worse when you’re actually looking at her on screen as she is covered in bruises and begging Edward to do her again.

Then, the rest of the movie will be taken up by Bella’s freaky demon pregnancy. It will be one long excuse for Kristen Stewart to lie around looking wan and helpless while Robert Pattinson broods and Taylor Lautner goes on a mission to save her with the sheer power of his abs.

Part two of “Breaking Dawn” was bearable to read only because it was from Jacob’s perspective, and because Jacob was allowed to leave when things got too disgusting. Most of it was taken up by introspection—there was a bit of drama with the werewolves, but even that didn’t amount to anything in the end. Introspection doesn’t play well on film.

This is the first “Twilight” movie that won’t even have a final battle to sustain it—instead, the climax will be a vampire C-section, which I’m guessing will look like something out of “Alive.” Seriously, who’s looking forward to watching Edward chew his way through Bella’s uterus?

“Twilight” movies have mostly steered clear of the squick factor until now—granted, there have been a few evil vampires killed by dismemberment, but the process was skated over pretty quickly. These are vampires that sparkle in the sunshine and make long, dramatic speeches about love, not vampires who make you cringe with blood and carnage. Until now. Really, we should have known that the one thing to bring out the horror-movie side of “Twilight” would be childbirth.

So to recap: For the most part “Breaking Dawn – Part 1” will be one of the dullest things committed to film—no plot, no actual sex scene…even the love triangle from the past two movies isn’t much of a contest anymore. And it will end with a horrifying image of a demon baby being born. Prepare yourselves, folks; it’s going to be a long couple of hours.

Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart star as Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, respectively, in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1.”

1. Every time Robert Pattinson is on screen, yell, “Kill the spare!” to mock all the Harry Potter fans dragged by their Twihard friends.

2. Every time Kristin Stewart does something clumsy, yell, “Nice one!” and annoy all the people around you with your incessant shouting.

3. Every time Jacob takes off his shirt, sigh as loudly as possible while pretending to faint.

4. Every time the vampires sparkle, throw some glitter in the air to sparkle yourself.

5. Every time Bella bites her lip, see if you can get the people around you to call her precious.

And if “Rocky Horror”-style participation still isn’t enough to have fun, turn to these more hydrating rules.

1. Every time Bella cries, take a drink.

2. Every time Bella faints, take a drink.

3. Every time there is a voice-over for a wolf character, take a drink.

4. Every time you hear a song from a band that is way better than “Twilight” (and come on, they all are), take a drink.

5. Every time Bella says the name Renesmee, don’t just take a drink—finish it. Seriously, how can you get through that movie after hearing that terrible non-name over and over?

Scott Green | NBC

From left to right: David Giuntoli as Nick Burckhardt and Russell Hornsby as Hank Griffin in NBC’s “Grimm.”

Thanks to the utterly disgusting “Twilight” series, American television viewers will soon be presented with another drama centered on the “normal” lives of supernatural beings.

Loosely based off of characters from Brothers Grimm tales, “Grimm” takes us into the life of Nick Burckhardt (played by David Giuntoli), a homicide detective who discovers he is a descendant of the Grimms, a group of hunters who protect humankind from destructive supernatural forces.

With this surprising news, Nick discovers something else equally life-altering: He is among the last of his kind. Nick must work to ensure that various characters from Brothers Grimm tales do not wreak havoc, and he must simultaneously employ all efforts to make sure those closest to him (i.e. his detective colleagues, best friends and fiancee) do not discover his secret.

Wash. U. students might be interested because: a) The first episode is about the death of a college student, and b) Sean Hayes, of “Will and Grace” fame, takes a stab at executive producing. As an added bonus, the show is set and filmed in the beautiful, mountainous city of Portland, Ore.

However, Wash. U. students may not be interested because of the show’s overt eagerness.

Simply by watching the preview, anybody with the brain the size of a pea could tell that the show is trying to latch on to the prepubescent demographic by copying several themes made famous by “Twilight.” Deluged with eerie music and horrible acting, the program showcases itself as a cheesy attempt to garner attention in order to make a profit.

Filled with mystery, secrets, betrayal and horror, this show is going to gather an audience, despite its competition. Unfortunately for “Grimm,” NBC has scheduled it in the same timeslot as “Fringe” and “Supernatural,” two beloved shows that also incorporate elements outside of the regular universe. “Once Upon a Time,” this season’s other show based on fairytales, is another competitor. Only time will tell if “Grimm” can come out on top.

“Grimm” airs on Fridays at 8 p.m. on NBC.

Emily Shur | MTV

The cast of the second season of “Jersey Shore” poses.

5. The cast of “Jersey Shore”

It’s too late in the year to appropriately get a fake tan (if it’s ever appropriate, anyway), and we don’t want you spending a ton of money on enough makeup to turn your body carrot-colored. Stay away from the guido look until summer.

4. Rachel Berry from “Glee”

You think it will be easy to dress as Rachel, as you’ll just need to find a headband and some ugly sweater and tights. We think you should save both your dignity and the sweater for the ubiquitous Christmas sweater party.

3. Any “Harry Potter” character

The last book came out in 2007, and the final movie has been out of theaters for a few weeks now. The “Harry Potter” craze, for the time being, should be over. It’s too early for nostalgia, and it’s not like Pottermore is even available for those without beta access.

2. Lady Gaga

With the amount of candy being given out on Halloween, there’s enough gross food out there to drive any kid crazy. Some things that won’t help the problem: a dress made out of meat or some kid walking around in an egg. Don’t turn to Gaga for inspiration.

1. Edward and the rest of the Cullen vampires

There’s one prop we all agreed we really, really don’t want to see this Halloween, and it is body glitter! First of all, vampires are supposed to die in sunlight. They wouldn’t be able to sparkle. Second, it’s dark when you trick or treat, anyway, so the point should be moot. If you going for the vampire look, either attempt the classic Dracula outfit or stick with other pop culture demons.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart star in “The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” (Kimberley French | Summit Entertainment | MCT)

There’s a six-foot tall cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen in my younger sister’s bedroom.

It wobbles when she hugs it. She wraps her arms around his shoulders, and one of her hands scrapes his unfinished back. My mom smiles at me from behind the flashing camera, and I turn away.

“Vampires are in now,” my sister informs me. I have to wonder when wizards became “out.” There was a time, six years ago or more, when the two of us would sit as siblings in front of a “Harry Potter” movie. The magic, the creatures— I drank it all in.

“Look at that spell!” I’d exclaim.

“Look at Ron Weasely,” she’d reply. I guess that should have been my first clue. Appreciation on two levels can widen a movie’s appeal, but the hotness factor soon outweighs all else. My friends would soon follow suit.

“Man, I love ‘Wingardium Leviosa,’” I’d tell them.

“I know what you mean,” my friends would reply. “Hermione is so frickin’ hot.” It wasn’t until the fourth movie that I understood what they meant.

But even though my friends could recognize general attractiveness before I could, my younger sister outpaced us by years. When we were freshmen, and my sister was in fourth grade, we were just beginning to Google-image-search Britney Spears on our cell phones, and she already had plans to marry Billy Joe Armstrong from Green Day. Yes, Robert Pattinson is younger than Armstrong, so at least she has her eye on someone more in-her-range nowadays, but the movies he stars in are far…sexier than anything Green Day will ever put out.

That’s because Pattinson isn’t just Pattinson; he’s Edward, a sickly-pale vampire with greasy hair and an instinctual urge to suck out all that blood wasting away in your veins. He wants to love, but he can’t. He doesn’t want to fight, but he must. So what does that make him? An animal, inhuman, not worth our attention. And yet, he is constantly in our view. But why?

“He’s hot,” my sister says.

Oh that’s right. Screw everything I just said, because he’s hot, and that’s a true-fact. Edward is the alluring vampire with a six-pack, and his sunken gaze will steal your heart, right after he’s done eating it. And that’s all you need to know about Edward to understand what comes next.

Students at Wash. U. framed their childhood around “Harry Potter,” tales of familial love, of an evil that tests and strengthens friendships and, as always, of “Wingardium Leviosa.” We revered the texts, for they were good to us, and we haven’t forgotten them.

And what does my sister’s age group get from their “Twilight”?

“He’s hot,” my sister reminds me.

They get an experience they’ll quickly forget. Mark your calendar, the new sex-symbol approaches, ready to fill that gap that will empty unceremoniously when Pattinson turns (approximately) 25. The new fling could be a teenage centaur, or maybe even a provocative cell-biologist.

He will be whoever the movie industry decides to dangle as teenage bait, and then it’s “Move aside, Edward; hello, luscious plumber.” So I guess I can’t blame my younger sister for the situation she’s in. It’s the industry’s doing, isn’t it? And as I read “The Prisoner of Azkaban” for the fourth time, I just feel bad that she can’t get out of the cycle.

My sister places a fedora atop Edward’s windblown hair, which frames his pasty face. I turn away, laughing.

“He doesn’t like the sun,” she explains. “Mom, take another picture. Mom! Give me the camera!”

The recent “Twilight” mania has seen a huge market of girls who would like nothing more than to sleep with a vampire. Enter “The Vamp.” For all those girls who fall asleep at night dreaming of Edward Cullen, here’s the authentic vampire experience, minus the bruises, shredded pillows and fatal pregnancy. A dildo, in a “deathly pale flesh tone,” which retains temperature if you want to stick it in the freezer so you can imagine a real, stone-cold vampire penis. Also, if there’s a secluded meadow handy, you can take it out in the sunshine and watch it sparkle.

“The Vamp,” according to some nonbelievers, heralds the coming apocalypse. But it’s far from being the only vampire-themed sex toy. Men too, can simulate creepy vampire sex. Or more specifically, a blowjob from a succubus. That’s right, there is now a Fleshlight with vampire teeth at the opening, known as the “Succu Dry.” But wait, there’s more! The inside is “a brand new inner texture called ‘The Fang.’” Imagine dozens of tiny fangs on your most sensitive organ. And, if you want that sensation on your entire body, there are “Vampire Gloves”—leather gloves covered with almost one hundred 1/8 inch steel spikes. There are also Edward Cullen panties, with a picture of Robert Pattinson’s lips at the crotch area, and black “Vampire Condoms.”

In a twisted way, all the vampire sex merchandise does make sense. After all, sex with a vampire would be a qualitatively different experience, so it takes special toys to simulate it. But this got me thinking, have there been other attempts to bring pop culture fads into the sex toy industry? The answer is yes. Remember a few years ago, when you could find sudoku on everything from T-shirts to toilet paper? It’s also a sex game called “Sudofuku.” You do the puzzle with your partner, and then flip over the tiles to reveal sex acts.

And just as nearly every electronic product these days comes with a place to hook up your iPod, there’s a vibrator called the “OhMiBod,” which actually vibrates in time to your favorite music. And for the environmentally conscious set, there’s a vibrator called Sola, which comes attached to a solar panel.

Nearly every segment of fandom has its own weird novelty sex toy. There is an entire Web site devoted to selling dildos shaped like various religious figures, from Buddha to the Virgin Mary. There is an Obama dildo, a Hello Kitty vibrator, a light saber vibrator and even a Harry Potter broomstick vibrator. Interestingly enough, the latter was marketed as a children’s toy. Basically, you put it between your legs and it vibrated. Needless to say, the toy was popular with teenage girls, and soon enough sex shops were selling it for twice the market price. Amazon discontinued it shortly afterward. And on the guys’ side, there are inflatable dolls modeled after Paris Hilton, J-Lo and Lindsey Lohan, as well as slightly freakier ones, like the Area 51 love doll, for any guy who’s ever fantasized about breaking free of boring Earth-girls. It comes with blue skin, three breasts, suction-cup fingers and various vagina-shaped orifices.

I don’t know what scares me more, that these kinds of products exist, or that people actually buy them. Some people just have strange fantasies, and the industry will do whatever it takes to capitalize on those fantasies. So this Valentine’s Day, have fun with that special someone, and do your best to forget that you’ve ever heard of any of these toys.

Kimberley French | MCT Campus

The second installment of the “Twilight” Saga, “New Moon,” will be released at midnight this Thursday night or Friday morning (Nov. 20), if you prefer. If you are planning on attending a midnight screening of the much-anticipated sequel, then there are a few things you should know ahead of time.

The Story

In case you missed the first movie, I’ll catch you up. “Twilight” stars Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a girl who moves to Forks, Wash., to live with her dad Charlie. Within a matter of weeks, she falls in love with her high school’s most mysterious attendee, Edward Cullen (played by the now-famous, tousled Robert Pattinson). It turns out that Edward and his “family” are vegetarian vampires who are trying to blend into human society. As would be expected, not all vampires are as human-friendly as the Cullens, and one of these carnivorous vampires attempts to steal Bella away from his vegetarian counterparts. By the end of the film, good triumphs over evil, and Bella, Edward and the rest of the Cullen clan make it out alive. This pretty much sums up “Twilight.” Of course, though, I forgot to mention Jacob Black, Bella’s Native American friend, who doesn’t have much of a role in the first movie but will now take on a much bigger one in “New Moon.”

The Fans

With any midnight viewing of a popular new movie, there are bound to be some crazed fans in costumes who have been waiting in line for hours to get the best seat. Yes, these fans may seem a little crazy, but they do not compare to the ones you will have to face at the midnight showing of “New Moon.” Will there be costumes? Possibly, but they won’t be too noticeable. What will be apparent is just how much noise a theater full of preteen girls can make at any moment and how many times they can make that much noise during a two-hour movie. Be prepared for shrill screeches every time a major character appears on screen for the first time (well, they don’t even have to be major). Robert Pattinson’s appearances will no doubt elicit at least a few screams every single time. There is not much to be done to preempt this impending ear pain, but just be cautious of where you sit in the theater. Although it will be a difficult task, try to find a seat that is relatively less saturated with 12-year-old girls.

The Logistics

If you intend on going to a midnight screening, you should already have your tickets, or you should go online and buy them right now, because they are bound to be sold out in many of the surrounding theaters. These girls work fast. In the same vein, if you want a decent seat, you should show up at least a half hour before the movie begins. At that point, there could still be a few seats that aren’t in the neck-craning front row. There is no question that some fans will have lined up beforehand to nab the best-situated seats. As I said earlier, carefully choose your seat based on those around it. You don’t want your memory from the movie to be that you couldn’t hear your professor the next day because the 13-year-old behind you screamed in your ear every 30 seconds.

“Vampire Diaries” follows Elena (Nina Dobrev), a high-school girl who has recently lost her parents, as she tries to put her life back together. On the first day of the new school year, she meets Stefan (Paul Wesley), the mysterious, good-looking “new kid” who makes every girl stop and stare. Of all the girls in the high school, Stefan takes an immediate liking to Elena, who takes an immediate liking to him, too. As the show continues, we see more of Stefan’s vampiric qualities, confirming that he is indeed the vampire love interest on the show (since we are never told outright). His ability to charm the school secretary (or “glamour her” as they say in “True Blood”), his adverse reactions to blood, and his ability to appear and disappear suddenly all point the savvy vampire fan to the logical conclusion.

“Vampire Diaries,” the latest in a recent surge of vampire-related series, has solid acting but occasionally makes some missteps.

Throughout the pilot episode, a few people, suddenly surrounded by fog and crows, are attacked by vampires, throwing viewer suspicion onto Stefan. Obviously, he is not the attacker (he needs to be the romantic lead). As it turns out, Stefan’s long-estranged brother, Damon (Ian Somerhalder), has also returned to town and has been feeding on the town’s citizens, causing trouble with his “vegetarian” brother (i.e., he feeds only on animals, not on people).

While the new show bears no resemblance at all to “True Blood,” the comparisons to “Twilight” are inescapable. Yes, some of the facts are different, but essentially, the story is the same. Girl meets boy—who unbeknownst to her is a vampire and who is strangely attracted to her—and they fall in love. Of course, the boy doesn’t drink human blood, and, of course, he is able to successfully assimilate into high school without causing too much trouble. At one point, “Vampire Diaries” even uses music that is very similar to the score used in “Twilight,” only increasing the similarities between the two.

This in itself shouldn’t count against the show, but the show certainly does have other issues. The biggest problem is its gimmicky use of journal writing. Both Elena and Stefan write in their journals, which the actors read in voiceovers. Their emotions’ being poured onto the page and then read off end up sounding trite and cheesy. Hopefully in the future, the show can either eliminate these entries altogether or somehow make them less awkward.

Overall, though, “Vampire Diaries” shows potential. The script, except for a few missteps, is clever, and the acting is believable for the most part (minus the fact that Elena looks like she’s 25). There is promise in both the main couple and the supporting characters, which hopefully can help transform the show into something unique and entertaining. While I’m not completely convinced that this show can make it work in the future, it has enough assets to give it a shot.

3.5/5 stars

Previously known for his role as Cedric Diggory, which attracted more than its fair share of fandom, Pattinson remains unfazed by the treatment he receives. “It’s just so surreal that my brain doesn’t really absorb it.”

Cadenza spoke with Pattinson about the stigma of playing Edward, scary music, and that pesky wirework.

Though he was initially drawn to the “melodramatic” and “operatic” nature of the story, Pattinson said, “I really didn’t want to make a cheesy movie.”

“I abandoned the idea of looking at other [portrayals of] vampires. I really wanted to humanize the character…I went thinking about the vampires as a disease or a kind of parasite with eternal life and the thirst for human blood as symptoms,” he said. “I couldn’t understand how he could be anything but a complete manic depressive. I was just questioning why, why would he care about anything?”

Aside from possible manic tendencies, Pattinson did find the character of Edward appealing. “I like his singularity, how he takes his emotions very seriously. He’s not frivolous in his wants, which I think is a good thing. If you’re like that in reality, I think people can trust you. He’s also very humble as well, which I think is a good trait.”
Among “Twilight’s” enormous fan base, however, Edward has certainly built up a reputation as the ideal man. Just check out any fan site and you can spend hours sifting through pages of unadulterated adoration.

Pattinson doesn’t get it. “He doesn’t really do anything that’s completely unattainable. He’s just a good guy who just happens to be living forever and is really strong and fast. I have yet to understand why he’s such an attractive character to people.”

However, Bella, played by Kristen Stewart, certainly gets it.  Their “epic” love for one another was a main point for Pattinson. “My method of thinking about it was very simple: it’s a guy who has nothing going for him and he’s denying his basic instincts and living in this purgatory where all he wants to do is be human or die… Also after 80 years of absolute loneliness and isolation, it’s very obvious where his desperate love and need for her comes from.”

In regards to claims that Bella’s unwavering dedication to Edward is a poor example for young, empowered girls, Pattinson said, “I think Kristen is very strong. She has a hardness to her and a sort of fierce intelligence. That was one of the main reasons I wanted to do the movie…Kristen seems to have just as much hidden depth as Edward does…I don’t think Stephanie Meyer intended the book to serve as a role model for anyone. She’s a very Sapphic character.”

Pattinson admits that he thought about Edward as a character under the context of a trilogy. That said, Stephanie Meyer’s “Midnight Sun,” a partially released version of the book from Edward’s perspective, doesn’t appeal to Pattinson.

“I like the idea of Edward as enigmatic and a mystery—no one really knows what he’s thinking or doing,” he said. “That’s much more fun to play than making it explicitly clear.”
Pattinson also stretches himself through his musical talents in the movie, an experience which he termed “really bizarre.” Though some of his songs are included on the “Twilight” soundtrack, Pattinson has no plans to abandon acting for music.

Overall, music played a strong role in the creative process. “This is probably the job I was most influenced by music,” Pattinson said.

During filming, Pattinson listened to British folk singer Laura Marling (“she has that desperate thing about her which is quite good”) and György Ligeti, the modernist composer for “2001: A Space Odyssey” for “the scary stuff.”

“There was one scene where I had to give a look that was primal and terrifying and I was listening to that, trying to think of a really scary face,” he said.

Indeed, Pattinson claims that one of his greatest challenges was distinguishing the border between Edward’s vulnerability and his very real power. “There’s such elemental attraction and fear which he emanates all the time. That’s why I was reluctant to take the part. When you’re trying to be pretty and scary, that’s tough.”

Pattinson also had difficulty with the stuntwork involved in “Twilight.” “I did a lot of wirework on HP, but that was me just getting hit” he said. “But on this, I had to be agile and look like [I’m] controlling the movements…just keeping [my] body in the right shape was very very hard. It’s also incredibly painful as well, to have two little wire straps in your crotch. It’s a hard, hard experience.”

So in the future, will he risk life and limb to continue his propensity for supernatural films? No, says Pattinson, “I definitely want to eventually play a normal person.”