Courtesy of Warner Brothers

Alex Dunphy (“Modern Family”)
Wash. U. would give Alex the opportunity to explore all of her very diverse interests, from sports and music to community service to academics. Best of all, that Albert Einstein sweatshirt would earn her some major street cred here.
Major: She might change it a few times, but in the end Alex would probably double major in PNP and math, with a minor in music.
Extracurriculars: She’d have to drop a few things, but Alex’s final list of extracurriculars would include pit orchestra for theater productions, club lacrosse, EST, debate, WUPR, Each One Teach One, Wash U Feminists United, and maybe Harry Potter Club. – Hayley Perlis

Annie Edison (“Community”)
Annie has always had a Wash. U. (or “Ivy League”) mindset, so her attitude and scholastic aptitude would make her an ideal student here. With her dedication to the study group and enthusiasm for school activities, she’d fit amongst us first-rate overachievers. She also has a very nerd-friendly thing for Han Solo.
Major: She’d probably dabble in something like anthro or poli sci.
Extracurriculars: Annie would sign up for every club at the activities fair, but she’d definitely stick with StudLife, Speech and Debate, Model U.N., something very program-heavy like Dance Marathon and then whatever her latest crush is doing. – Jordan Weiner

David “Gordo” Gordon (“Lizzie McGuire”)
Ever since Lizzie ditched him for State U, Gordo has been searching for a new girl to obsess over. He’d come to Wash. U. in hopes of finding that slightly awkward yet genuine and fun girl to replace his one true love.
Major: Starting out as an undeclared liberal arts, he will ultimate want a job and decide on political science.
Extracurriculars: Film Club, Hillel, Washington University Political Review (so everyone can know and support his “right” opinions.) – Elena Bell

DJ Tanner (“Full House”)
DJ would find herself at Wash. U. in hopes of separating herself from her overbearing father and uncles. It was her “reach school,” so she is thrilled to have the chance to be here.
Major: Education and psychology. She tried pre-med but after the first general chemistry exam, she found out medicine wasn’t in her future. She is more interested in children, anyway.
Extracurriculars: Campus Y, Each One Teach One, Home Plate (she misses her family!) – Elena Bell

Ferris Bueller (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”)
Having already conquered his native Chicago, Ferris will come to Wash. U. to further take over the Midwest. His wacky hijinks will make him a freshman floor star.
Major: Majoring in being cool isn’t exactly an option at Wash. U., so Ferris will have to settle for something slightly less exciting. Look for him to major in something like psychology or anthropology, where common sense matters quite a bit.
Extracurriculars: CPC, improv, and a member of a treasure hunting team. – Andie Hutner

Fogell aka McLovin (“Superbad”)
Sure, the movie claims he’s going to Dartmouth, but after his life-changing experience at the end of senior year, McLovin might choose to Wash. U. for its “work hard, play hard” lifestyle.
Major: Something pre-med, most likely biology. He seems like the type to stay in the library until the studying makes him go crazy, causing his drunken side to come out.
Extracurriculars: Magic: The Gathering Club and Hawaii Club (don’t forget where his fake ID came from – he’ll need the culture to back it up.)
– Andie Hutner

Hermione Granger (“Harry Potter”)
Hermione only wants the best of the best, so when deciding on a pre-med school, Wash. U. was the natural choice. After witnessing the strong injustices towards those of the lower socioeconomic status, violence towards women, and cultural prejudice, however, she turned to the humanities.
Major: Double major in IAS and WGSS, minor in psychology; via her Time-Turner, she will also study IPH, ancient studies, and Text & Tradition.
Extracurriculars: Safe Zones, Alliance of Students Against Poverty, Campus Y, Debate Team, Pre-Law Society, Student Forum on Sexuality, V-Day, Wash U Feminists United. – Abi Saxena

Juno MacGuff (“Juno”)
While Juno’s pregnancy belly may have made her stand out in the physical respect, her quirk and wit would have found themselves in good company here at Wash. U. Having debates at every turn, she’d slay her competition and then share a jug of Sunny D with them.
Major: Philosophy with a psych minor–the only departments that could fully appreciate her quick tongue.
Extracurriculars: Controversy N’ Coffee and WUTV. – Molly Sevcik

Peggy Olson (“Mad Men”)
Peggy got her job at Sterling Cooper after graduating from secretarial school, but her newfound self-confidence should cause her to go back to college. Wash. U. seems like a perfect fit, considering how driven she is.
Major: Clearly, Peggy would find a home in the B-School as a marketing major, but she would double in English to fulfill her artistic side as well
Extracurriculars: Peggy would found her own business as a part of StEP, or maybe team up with Off the Row to design promotional tees. She would also get involved with Controversy N’ Coffee, and maybe Campus Y as well. – Andie Hutner

Seth Cohen (“The O.C.”)
Cohen would definitely come to Washington University to escape Newport Beach’s elitist social atmosphere in hopes of embracing that sweet Midwestern attitude.
Major: Chemistry, just as his lawyer dad would want and encourage him to be (what an anomaly!)
Extracurriculars: Seth would establish the Comic Book Club, and join Jewish Student Union and Team 131 as well. – Elena Bell

Sheldon Cooper (“Big Bang”)
Sheldon has about a million college degrees, since he started undergrad when he was 11 years old. It stands to reason that he would have made his way to Wash. U. at some point, if only to inform all the med students and engineers that their fields are less important than theoretical physics.
Major: Physics, obviously. But by the time he graduated, spurred on by curiosity and that pesky SS requirement, he’d have picked up a second major in psychology – and then immediately tried to turn his friends into guinea pigs.
Extracurriculars: Academic bowl, chess club, and any clubs that revolve around RPGs. He’d also get kicked out of Controversy ‘n Coffee, either because he refused to listen to opposing opinions, or because he flipped out when someone sat in “his” spot. – Nora Long

Michael Cera
Michael Cera, recovering child actor, would fit in wonderfully at Wash. U. with his awkward, lovesick, vaguely nerdish persona. Paulie Bleeker? George Michael Bluth? Scott Pilgrim? All of his roles are exactly the same, and every single one of them would attend Wash. U. if given the chance.
Major: Cera would double major in history and English, as his brain is probably full of lame references to events in literature and the past that are vaguely funny but mainly awkward.
Extracurriculars: Club running would be the only sport Cera would do, just like his character in “Juno.” – Georgie Morvis

You can just imagine them discussing the film in the board room:

“This is going to be a buddy movie, but let’s make the hero really awkward. And his best friend is going to be this fat, obnoxious jerk who speaks like Jonah Hill!”

“Wait didn’t they make this film before?”

“Oh yeah… Wait! Let’s shoot the entire film on cellphones!”

“Yes! Best movie ever! …Penis.” (Botko’s probable reply, judging the type of repartee in “The Virginity Hit.”)

The “plotline” goes as follows: after Matt (Matt Bennett) gets cheated on by his girlfriend Nicole (Nicole Weaver), he is persuaded by his moronic brother Zack (Zack Pearlman) to let his friends film him losing his virginity to Nicole. The plan is to dump her on camera, post the videos on YouTube and revel in her defeat.

Does that sound ridiculous to you too? Welcome to Matt’s world. He’s a Michael Cera-wannabe with twice the awkwardness, half the backbone and none of the charisma.

The main difference between this film and your average teen comedy is that it is filmed by handheld cameras.The “Cloverfield” treatment does not add anything apart from realism, however. The film wants to be “authentic,” but none of the action is even remotely believable. It’s pretend realism. Would anyone really buy a porn star so that his friend could lose his virginity to her? Even by YouTube’s standards, the action is over-the-top.

Some of the more elaborate set pieces may make you grin, but they do not rescue “The Virginity Hit” from its abysmal plot and dialogue. The problem with watching a bunch of 18-year old jerks improvising their dialogue is that they’re not funny at all. When the jokes fall flat, Botko and Gurland react by showing a lot of nudity, which leaves us wondering whether they have confused YouTube and YouPorn.

“The Virginity Hit” is one in a growing number of teen comedies vying to rival the likes of “Superbad” and “American Pie.” Yes, these movies had crisp one-liners, but more importantly, they made you care for the characters. During “The Virginity Hit,” I found myself wishing that Zack would die in a very slow and painful way and that his death might, in some way, make up for the time I lost watching the film. The only reason I cared whether Matt actually lost his virginity was that in doing so, this terrible movie would finally end.

Take the ’80s: the generation where most of our cool uncles came of age, did lots of drugs and sat around in basements. Everybody who grew up in this decade remembers “The Breakfast Club.” Why? Because it represents the angst Generation X felt at the time. As the cultural revolution of the ’60s was long gone and replaced by the stuffy conservatism of Ronald Reagan and the Moral Majority, kids had nothing to fight for anymore. I mean, they wore jean jackets. Dude.

Here is the plot, for those who grew up under a rock: Five kids—representing five high school stereotypes—come to detention on a Saturday morning and forge unexpected friendships. But the part that the youth of America held up and revered came when Badass (Judd Nelson) tells his principal to “Eat. My. Shorts,” to which Principal Vernon replied “You just bought yourself another Saturday.” Finally! Something for the disaffected youth of the ’80s to fight against, even if it was just the principal. Yet times and tastes change, and while today’s viewers can enjoy “The Breakfast Club,” they must see it as totally dated. Such is the cycle of generational movies—from relevant to relic.

In our time, a new type of movie has emerged, widely referred to as the Bromance. I know the word is a worn-out cliché in our social lexicon, but it perfectly describes these films in best friend-love often overshadows man-woman love. I know, your mind just took you the scene in “Superbad” when Jonah Hill proclaims to his best friend “I just love you. I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream: ‘I love my best friend, Evan.” He then proceeds to lovingly poke him on the nose and famously coo “boop!”

This is the essence of the Bromance: two dudes realizing their inexorable bonds with one another in hilarious fashion. These movies—such as “Old School,” “Wedding Crashers,” “The Forty Year-Old Virgin,” “Anchorman,” “The Hangover” and even older ones like “American Pie” and “Top Gun”—all depict journeys of friendship and the notion of some collective achievement, even if it’s just getting your buddy laid. And yes, ladies, I acknowledge that these films are complete boys’ clubs and possibly proffer an anti-feminist agenda, but that’s another column. I am more interested in why people love these movies so much. What feature of today’s society makes us enjoy Bromance so much that we watch these movies repeatedly and quote them incessantly?

In some ways, the ease of communication in our world makes us less self-sufficient and more reliant on our friends. As a college student, contact with friends from home isn’t a monthly, 12-minute conversation on the dorm pay phone—it’s a casual text or the ever-random g-chat. Or even more weird—but completely status quo—a cursory glance at his Facebook pictures to make sure he’s chillin’ just as much as you are. When all people had were snail mail and landlines, it was much less hard to generate human contact. Without literal Rolodexes at their fingertips like we have today in our cell phones, people were inherently more self-sufficient because they had to be.

Today, we are much more invested in our friends’ lives because we have more windows through which to observe them; you can “bro out” through six or seven different forms of communication. I do not mean to say that technology has improved friendships; rather, I believe technology has given us more of a reason to affirm our friendships. Case in point: It’s much easier to tell a friend you love him or miss him (or anything else girly-men say) in a text than in person. But in these movies, it’s cool to love your bro—and society has followed suit.