“Do you really mean to say,” he asked the class, “that none of you have ever once been in a relationship where you’ve woken up one morning and thought to yourself, ‘What the hell am I doing?’”

At first, some people raised their hands to disagree, but after they thought for a minute, all lowered their arms. As they ran through their own pasts, I thought of my relationships and my friends’ relationships. There were couples who got more of a kick out of making loud sex noises to wake up their residential advisor than actually having sex. There were couples who had been dating for years and refused to say “I love you,” whereas others had been dating for only a few weeks and were already professing their deepest feelings. And then there are all those couples who just don’t make sense, and their friends are always wondering why they’re together. In each of these pairings, I remembered my friends’ panicked revelations, generally after a discussion with their parents or close friends—“What the hell am I doing?”

From pop culture to seeing random couples on the street, we see and hear about normalcy all the time—what our relationships should be, the proper times and ways to express our feelings, what is acceptable for couples to do and not do with one another. These visions of normalcy make us look at our own relationships and realize just how freaky and strange the people we love are—and that we must be crazy to be dating them.

These doubts can cause some major panic: Some people find themselves thinking, “How can I date someone who spends half an hour a day banging on walls and complaining? That’s so immature. Can I really be with someone like that in the future?” And either “It’s been two months and he hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ so he obviously doesn’t care about me,” or “She said, ‘I love you,’ after two months; I’m getting the hell out of here.” But when this panic sets in, the most important thing to do is ask yourself: Who cares?

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t care if something isn’t within the usual “guidelines” of relationships. If something is genuinely disturbing to you, then the issue is something you need to address. But if it’s your parents who think your girlfriend is immature, or your friends who say your boyfriend should be saying the L-word at this point, that’s their concern, not yours.

How can you gauge who’s right? By your happiness! If you’re not happy, then the weirdness is a problem. But if you can enjoy letting your freak flag fly with that person, does it really matter if outsiders judge you?

While you consider your answer to that, I’m going to spend a romantic evening with my boyfriend, speaking in Russian accents and watching Muppet YouTube videos—because, despite some of your raised eyebrows, that’s my idea of a perfect evening.

“The Meeting Place” A/S/Ls (age/sex/location), however, turned quickly to self-professed teen males asking for “pix” and, soon, the age-old question, “Wanna cyber?” I had an older sister, a countless number of Cosmopolitan magazines stacked in my attic and, most importantly, my curiosity. If DarkHorse493 started undressing me with his italicized red Courier New font, who was I not to snap back with a bold line I learned from my older sister?

Ignoring all of the dangers of chatting with strangers on the Internet (because this is not a commentary about the value of “To Catch a Predator”), this cyber sex I—as well as many others—engaged in through AOL’s chat mechanism is now finding itself outdated. The days of cybersex through just instant messenger have passed. Why is this, you ask? Video chat is now the latest technology altering the sense of anonymity usually offered in chat rooms. And now, a website called Chat Roulette has recently made it possible to engage in random webcam chats with the click of a button.

Instead of just being able to video chat with personal contacts, Chat Roulette allows a user, “stranger,” to connect with other “strangers” across the world via video and microphone, with an additional box for typing messages. With the push of the F9 key, each stranger can move swiftly or slowly between other strangers. Don’t want to chat with the random guy in a dimly lit room or the shirtless Brazilian who can’t speak English? Simply press F9, and you’ll be on to the next person.

Although Chat Roulette can be used for interesting and sometimes unusual chats not involving sexual behavior, the generic random guy in the dark is a common occurrence. After surveying multiple strangers on how often they came across a male engaged in masturbatory play in their first hour of Chat Roulette, the strangers I asked replied, “How am I supposed to count that?” “Like a hundred!” or, “At least one every two minutes.” Even more, strangers conveyed that besides accidentally coming across men stroking their genitals, they encountered women flashing their breasts, brief scenes of anal play and sometimes even live sex. Chat Roulette attracts countless exhibitionists—those realizing the possibilities of bridging the gap between anonymous cyber sex, phone sex and the visual powers of the webcam.

It is this “new” medium—that is, a randomized way of connecting to people’s faces, bodies, voices and thoughts—which will take cybersex to the next level. You can even download Roulette add-ons that place computer-generated “hats” (a cat head, a knight hemlet, etc.) over your face to keep some form of anonymity while keeping other parts exposed. Cat heads and masturbation may not be your cup of tea, but it is impossible to deny that the realm of Internet sex has greatly evolved.

Girls, come on! Shouldn’t we be past the point of driving ourselves crazy over last night’s forgettable hookup? He loves me, he loves me not: Common sense tells us it must be one or the other, but when faced with the question after a steamy night (or meaningless walk home and short-lived kiss), excuses for his inaction are rampant. And then come the excuses for our excuses. If you’ve spent the last hour complaining that he hasn’t responded, then I must say, you’re probably not over him. And I’ll believe you actually think he’s a terrible guy when his profile page is no longer bookmarked on your laptop.

What happened to wearing the pants in our post-feminist-era relationships? For too long we’ve been called hysterical and possessive. Instead of moving on, the threat of rejection only makes some hold on tighter, clinging to both the uninterested guys and any last thread of hope. To all the singles, flirts and relationship junkies out there: the strong girls we admire—the ones with boys wrapped around their fingers—don’t have a secret. They just know when to say when.

So how do you take back control in a world where traditional “dating” is practically obsolete? My friends and I have made our fair share of mistakes, leaving me with a long list to choose from.

The top 10 (this list is by no means complete and is open to suggestions):

1. Take a hint. If he ignores you, flirts with another girl in front of you or has a busy week five weeks in a row…it’s over.

2. The more isn’t always the merrier. Hooking up with more than one guy does not make you a slut, but it doesn’t make you infallible either. There is no such thing as a sure thing, even when you have a backup plan.

3. If your friends don’t like him (for those of you who trust your friends), it’s time to get out.

4. If his friends don’t like you…this will only turn out badly.

5. It’s not a coincidence if he only texts you after midnight. Ever heard of a booty call?

6. If a guy likes a girl he doesn’t leave her on the dance floor to…
a. Stretch his legs.
b. Check on his friend.
c. Get a drink of water.

7. Your desperation does not count when considering his positive attributes (even if the only thing you can think of is that he’s nice).

8. If you ever think your expectations are too high, remind yourself that when a guy imagines his ideal girl he Googles a picture of Megan Fox.

9. If a guy tells you how much he loves your roommate, he’s not complimenting your excellent choice in friends.

10. His phone is never broken. Enough said.

Alissa is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. She can be reached via e-mail at arrotbla@artsci.wustl.edu.

Opinions on and perceptions of formerly hot topics, such as “hooking up,” are also quite different between the two institutions. “It’s much more laid back,” an anonymous freshman said. “In high school, if you hooked up, it was big news, and it traveled around. Now, it’s not such a big deal.”

Even behaviors such as one-night stands, something that was certainly unheard of or at the very least taboo in high school, are not novel. While not nearly as commonplace as hookups, they definitely exist and are by and large accepted as part of the “college experience.” This is made easier by the adoption of informal “sexiling” agreements between many freshmen and their roommates, providing a location for said encounters.

Why does this happen? It could be due to a plethora of things: The first time away from home, some sort of attempt to “break free” from parents and family, a release of pent-up frustration (sexual or otherwise) or even an attempt to create a fresh start for themselves after high school.

There appears to be one common denominator upon which everybody agrees, however. “The alcohol plays a big part. When kids get drunk, they’re more likely to do it,” a sophomore said, “Also, there are a lot of frat parties.”

To be sure, fraternities appear to foment this type of atmosphere, throwing parties almost every weekend, allowing numerous freshmen inside—in essence, giving them free reign.

This culture exists parallel to and in uneasy conjunction with the numerous freshmen who have retained significant others from high school. They obviously do not partake in said lifestyle, instead traveling to visit their boyfriends or girlfriends on weekends. They are not truly an exception, however, as the time afforded to them by their significant other is certainly free from oversight by authority figures—within reason.

One cannot truly pass moral judgment on the casual hookup culture, however, as it is neither a positive or a negative force. College is the first time most people are able to be truly independent, and being able to hook up or have one-night stands is a facet of that ability that many students take advantage of.

Coupled with this is the fact that the college environment causes a big push in that direction. It’s just like when you are first introduced to something—you do it a lot and gradually taper off. For some people, college is that introduction (to sexual freedom), and the rest of their life is the attenuation.

Everyone has something different; I’ve heard of everything from lockets and mix CDs to a “Walter the Farting Dog” book and Canadian boxers. Personally, my romantic memoirs consist of calendar tear-offs and a stack of sweatshirts and cross-country T-shirts that could clothe a small village. (I should really look into that Goodwill donation.)

The way that we react to these findings can vary, but while keeping sweatshirts and good books may be functional, the general destination of these objects tends to be the same place as the relationships that they came from—in the trash. But it’s not that easy. Like it or not, every relationship that we get into has an impact on us. You can throw away that mix CD, but the next time you hear that song, no matter how many years later or how many miles away you are, it will be just like you are back on that date when he or she played it for you the first time.

My most recent reminder of this was when I went to Six Flags with a group of friends—an innocent trip, no special day. After too much pizza and roller coaster riding, we decided to go on a relaxing ride—“Hey, how about that one?” As I turned to see what my friend was pointing to, I immediately felt my heart speed up. While I agreeably climbed up on one of the wooden horses of the antique merry-go-round, I couldn’t help the heart-wrenching feeling it evoked in me. I couldn’t stop thinking that any minute, my ex would appear from behind me and jump onto the seat next to me, giving the same smile he gave me on our first date at the fair.

While most of my friends clowned around on their dancing ponies, I sat on my white horse and reminisced about how much fun we’d had. But then I smiled. Yes, it’s been ages since I’ve spoken to my high school boyfriend, and things didn’t end all that well. But in spite of that, it’s been long enough for me to realize that I wouldn’t trade what we had for anything—it was a great first love. Walking toward the exit, I was able to look back without feeling any real pain, just a warmth for what used to be.

So as far as those souvenirs are concerned, keep them with you; they’re important because every experience is worth something. Just don’t let them clutter up the room. Make sure you have enough space for that new hoodie on the hanger, for that new picture frame on your desk. In the end, it will all serve as a miniature museum of the fun you’ve had.

And come on, who doesn’t need a broken-in sweatshirt to study in or some T-shirts for the gym?

Or is it? While the beginning of a relationship is—and rightly should be—“magical” for those directly involved, it’s often something very different for those on the periphery. For friends of the newly in love, those who become spectators to the budding romance with or without their consent, the experience is often less one of pure romantic delight than of simple, sometimes intense, irritation.

Let me be clear: I do not think that all new relationships are irritating, nor do I think that any person has the right to not be happy for a friend who has finally found someone. It goes against the very definition of friendship to begrudge another’s happiness just because you don’t want to hear about it, and a lot of the time, it really is exciting when a friend has found a good match.

That said, when a friend finds a match and for all intents and purposes ceases to be your friend…well, that is a problem.

What I’m talking about is what I like to refer to as 14-year-old girl syndrome, and it’s what I’m here to warn you about. Though not yet medically recognized, the condition is a serious one, one in which a person, upon entering into a new relationship, suddenly and sometimes irrevocably seems to lose sight of him or herself.

The condition is rarely fatal in the literal sense, but it has been the death of many a friendship.

Consider Mary. Mary and Kate have been best friends since freshman year. In that time, both have dated around, but neither has been involved in anything all that serious.

Enter Greg. Greg and Mary are the same major and have had classes together on and off for the past couple years. Kate has heard many a lament from Mary about her unrequited love. Greg has finally become aware of Mary’s affection, and they are newly dating. They’re in love, and it’s great.

But it’s not great for Kate. A week into the relationship, Kate and Mary have plans to go shopping, but Mary cancels last minute because Greg wants to go to dinner. Ten days into the relationship, Kate and Mary are supposed to go to dinner, and again Mary bails last minute because Greg needs help on his art project. Two weeks into the relationship, Greg goes out of town; Mary misses Kate’s birthday party because she can’t bring herself to hang up the phone. On and on it goes…

Kate stops making plans with Mary and finds other friends.

Young lovers, hear this: Don’t be that girl. As much as it’s natural and normal to want to indulge yourself in the early relationship glow, it is never okay to do so at the expense of your friends. Yes, first dates and first kisses are lovely, but it’s even more lovely when, once they end, you have someone left to talk to.

And okay, you can try to justify yourself with claims that “real friends want me to be happy” and “real friends will understand” and maybe for a little while that’s okay.  But at the same time, consider this: Should “real friends” really be made to feel like they’re at the absolute bottom of your priority list? Does the fact that you can get away with something really make it right?

I say again: Don’t be that girl.

That girl, I should note, doesn’t have to be a girl. The 14-year-old girl syndrome is not exclusive to the female sex; although in my experience it does tend to appear more frequently among females, it’s something that affects us all. We all get lost in our own euphoria where we can forget that we have obligations and responsibilities elsewhere. But at the end of the day, ignoring them doesn’t make obligations and responsibilities go away.

Be young. Be in love. Be yourself. But remember, there’s life outside your new relationship.

1. Language Barriers

You know how relationship gurus are always claiming communication is key? Well, I’d say that communication-failure can spell doom for any budding (or budded) love. I’d know. One of my relationships clocked at three weeks; it ended because we suddenly realized that he was French (and spoke practically no English), and I could barely pronounce his name. When a relationship needs a translator, it’s probably best to just shut up and move on.

2. Emotional Barriers

This one is simple. Some people have feelings; some people don’t. And other people have way too many feelings. Don’t get sucked into another person’s emotional black hole. And don’t drown in someone else’s flash flood of feelings. Happy mediums, people.

3. Geographically Challenged

Long distance: a feat only intended for the strong, steady and emotionally-invested. An ample cash supply wouldn’t hurt either. Otherwise, after a couple cross-country flights, you’re left broke and pining, wasting away on gmail, waiting for a certain name to pop up on your buddy list. Proceed with caution, for distance has a way of making things dwindle and die.

4. Vertically Challenged

Maybe this is shallow, but very short people should not date very tall people. It’s freakish, wrong and likely to cause serious back and neck problems later in life. Do not date someone more than one foot taller than you. Pick on someone your own size.

5. Bad Timing

The timing is never right. You need to come to terms with that. “Right place, right time,” I’m starting to believe, is an urban legend.

6. Baggage

We all enter relationships with all our previous emotional baggage in tow. History is something with which we all have to grapple; perhaps some people just have a tad more grappling to do.

7. Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, right? Fear is natural, fear is ubiquitous, but some fears are no good for relationship bliss. Commitment phobes and germaphobes could make for scary boyfriends. Sometimes you’re afraid for a reason.

8. The Unbalanced Seesaw

A relationship doesn’t function well when it’s unbalanced. When one person feels way more than the other, it’s like when a really fat kid and a really skinny kid try to get going on a seesaw. The fat kid will be stuck in the dirt. Period.

9. The Wandering Eye (and Hands)

If you really need to check if the grass is greener on the other side, prepare to lose access to your current grassy lawn. Don’t be greedy (it’s unattractive).

10. General Insanity

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and some people are from a planet all their own. Enough said.

//

Wise words from a wise group of girls. See, the Spice Girls really knew what they were talking about a decade ago when they incorporated this advice into their debut single. While these words may have multiple connotations, what the Girls were really trying to emphasize is the importance of friendship and how friendship must always come first. After all, without good friends by your side, the world can be a cruel, lonely place, even with the solace and comfort of a romantic relationship.

Let’s say you and your best friend both like the same guy or girl; this is a typical situation but certainly not an easy one. Even way back when I was in first grade, I remember my best friend Tony and I had a crush on the same girl, Lyndsey. To Tony and me, Lyndsey was the perfect seven-year-old: She was attractive, she could ride a bike perfectly and she had the best playground in her backyard. Clearly, Tony and I were in love. Still, in the back of our immature, under-developed minds, we knew we couldn’t like the same girl. Tensions quickly mounted. After hearing from another friend that Tony had given Lyndsey a little toy pony from a cereal box, I was furious, and I knew that I had to redeem myself. So, I decided to give Lyndsey a Ring Pop—you know, those old-school, candy lollipop rings that were amazing. She loved it, and I was happy. Tony, on the other hand, was less than thrilled. In the end, Lyndsey chose Nick, another guy our age who we all thought was really cool because he listened to rap music. Consequently, Tony and I had to stop liking Lyndsey and move on to crush on a new girl, and our friendship continued.

This situation, while nowadays slightly more complicated, still arises in college life. If you and your friend like the same person, it is never a good idea to end a friendship over it. Never let an object of affection jeopardize a solid friendship. In this case, you and your friend must communicate, both with each other and with the person you like. If the person you’re both fighting over is not interested in either of you, as was the case with Tony and me, then move on. However, if that special someone does like one of you, you need to consider your friend. Talk with him/her and make sure that it is okay to date that special someone you both like. If your friend is a good friend and your special someone likes you back, then your friend will hopefully understand and move on to find someone else. Likewise, if that guy you like is crushing on your friend, be happy for your friend, and find someone else too.

The same rules apply to hookups. Not only can it jeopardize a friendship, but also two friends hooking up with the same guy is both weird and messy. It really can only lead to negative consequences. There are enough guys and girls on campus and outside of the Wash. U. bubble to find. Go out, have fun, be yourself, and you are bound to find someone interesting for that particular Friday or Saturday night.

Also important is balancing the relationships with both your special someone and your friends. It is always best to have your special someone enjoy the company of your friends and vice versa. And tell your special someone: “if you want to be my lover, then you’re gonna have to get in good with my friends.” Or you can change these words around. Just make sure to emphasize the importance of having a strong bond that unites your friends with your special someone, so that everyone can get along and enjoy each other’s company.

People who know things are always telling me that communication is the key to every relationship. How true. And like almost every other very true thing, it’s easier said than done. I’ve learned in college that I’m downright squirrelly about confrontation—especially when my opponent knows where I sleep. So lesson number one: talk before coming to blows (I’ve never physically brawled with a roommate, but I’ve fantasized about it).

The worst thing you can do as a roommate is suffer in silence. Problems tend to build—if you give a mouse a cookie, it’ll ask for a kidney (something along those lines). I mean, once you start letting things slide, where do you draw the line? Last semester I was in New Zealand sharing a little box of an apartment with two other girls. It was tight quarters—thin walls, itty-bitty bathroom, and about five different kitchen utensils shared between us.

I should have had that conversation I was itching to avoid. I should have worked things out before the situation completely deteriorated. Oh well. I now suggest some kind of proactive plan to eliminate common roommate problems before they even surface.

One of my roommates was awesome; the other tested the limits of my sanity. Looking back, I probably should have shared this with her sooner (but maybe put it more nicely). I spent most of the semester doing this girl’s dishes and cleaning up her messes because I felt uncomfortable with the idea of giving orders to a peer. So instead, I let my resentment build up like soap scum or the wads of her hair clogging our shower drain. Instead of stewing, I should have had that conversation I was itching to avoid. I should have worked things out before the situation completely deteriorated. Oh well. I now suggest some kind of proactive plan to eliminate common roommate problems before they even surface; I’ve become a fervent believer in trash schedules and assigned tasks (it’s type A, but it works). You just can’t assume that people will live like you. And however much you may hope for mind reading, sometimes it doesn’t pan out. Put it in words, put it on paper—just say something.

The other major (and uber cliché) lesson of roommate relations is you must be willing to compromise. Rigidity isn’t a great quality in a roommate. Accommodating others may not always be fun, but, hey, that’s democracy for you. I have this really awesome penguin mobile hanging in our common room right now, but my roommates have strongly vetoed it and I think it’s coming down. I guess not everyone appreciates having five species of Antarctic penguins hanging at face level in the middle of their living space. See what I mean about sacrifice?

And then sometimes things simply don’t work out, and that’s when you should always remember to lock your door. I mean it—once my New Zealand roommate started listening in doorways, I never left my apartment or went to sleep without fumbling with that lock for a few minutes. Safety first, and have a great year!