Your first hurdle: Thanksgiving. Extended family, heavy food and too much wine. If you’re anything like me, which hopefully you aren’t because if you are, you should probably be in a place resembling jail or a quarantine, this is a recipe for disaster. So how do you resist the puckish urges that old people and sickly cousins seem to bring out in you? The answer lies in preparation. Do as much diligence before this holiday as you would for a philosophy paper. Devote as much energy to developing Buddha-like restraint as you would to sourcing Four Lokos before they become illegal. Make sure to know your exit plan. If moldy old Aunt Sally waddles up to you and wants to know about Wershington University and how the weather is in California, you need to be on your A-game. For guys, the safe and easy option is Thanksgiving football. Whichever demigod thought of this idea, I will build a statue in your honor. For girls, well, I’m no expert, but pretending your biffer just broke up with her bf of three months and is going to commit carbocide without an emergency chat-sesh seems like a solid option to me. Everyone can rest easy though, knowing that the tryptophan in the turkey will knock out the predators sooner rather than later.

If you’re lucky enough to make it through Thanksgiving without being disowned, you’re on the right track, and you’re making good progress. But ahead of you lies a marathon, a Goliath of holiday schmooze, if you will. From Hanukkah to Christmas to New Year’s, religion and culture are throwing down a serious gauntlet. If you had to equate this stretch of time to a terrible movie, I’d have to say that these upcoming weeks caused the storm in “The Day After Tomorrow.” If, like me, you’re of the Jewish persuasion, don’t be bitter that the goyim have a far superior holiday (come on, a jolly fat man who brings you stuff you want!), we have eight nights to make up for the inferiority complex. And at least we aren’t targeted by those elf ads. Regardless of your cultural leanings, you have to make it to New Year’s somehow. To get through these weeks, take advantage of being home. See your friends; if you live in a city, explore it; and this is getting too genuine, so also make sure to abuse the excess gratitude your parents feel now that you’re home. A well-balanced and relaxed break is integral to your vitality during this trying time.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to New Year’s Eve. What to do now? Well, really, what else does one do on this delightfully overhyped night than get delightfully inappropriate? Why, you ask? Because you deserve it. Make yourself a soothing Jägerbomb, and peacefully, with the most precise focus on debauchery, head on out into the night.

Finances

First on our list is the question of finances. As the effects of this disastrous economic season continue to ripple outward, the administration must now prepare for another round of painful budget cuts. We have, in these pages, previously commended the administration for its commitment to its students on financial aid. The “Opening Doors to the Future” challenge grant launched last September is a $150 million fund drive aimed at private individuals and corporations and is set to continue until 2014. Its explicit aim is to insure that Wash. U. can retain its commitment to economic diversity. We applaud the drive’s intentions though we wish it didn’t involve calling our parents at dinner time.

Safety

Following the recent assault of a graduate student off campus, multiple apartment robberies and a history of muggings in the area, the University has promised to install more blue light phones and to move laundry rooms out of off-campus apartment basements where possible. We urge the University and WUPD to be more proactive in protecting students, especially off campus.

We hope that students will work together with law enforcement in order to ensure that crime rates drop in the upcoming year.

Overprogramming

We applaud Student Union for resolving to address its scheduling issues. In the past, students wishing to attend many SU-sanctioned functions found themselves making painful choices on overloaded weekends. Thus, the announcement that SU is attempting to space things out this semester is a welcome one. This is an easy fix to make, and we hope that Student Union delivers on its promise.

WebSTAC improvements

Last semester, the editorial board was pleasantly surprised by the innovations to WebSTAC that were quietly implemented. The addition of a map to the student schedule pane was particularly useful. While we long to see a wholesale redesign of the system that unifies all of the portals that students use most frequently, we thank whoever is responsible for improving the moribund interface all the same. WebSTAC still remains cranky and archaic by modern standards, however; as such, we ask that you keep it up, whoever you are.

Sustainable operations

In a recent campus-wide e-mail, the chancellor also directed our attention to Sustainable Operations Leadership Council’s new Strategic Plan for Environmentally Sustainable Operations. This plan is long overdue and we are happy to see that it was finally released. The plan details how the school intends to square its rapidly expanding square-footage with its goals of sustainability. Their stated intention in making the plan public at this stage is to invite feedback from the student body. If you have an opinion about campus sustainability, we suggest you check it out.

Summary

We might sum up many of the above points by relating that one of the most impressive changes we perceived over the last semester was a sustained interest in student activism. From the Right Side of History’s controversial co-opting of the W.I.L.D. stage to the Mothers dress-code violation controversy, we were gratified to see so much of the campus wrapped up in the causes of the community. Above all else we’d like to see your enthusiasm continue unabated.

Worst Boy Band Attempts

Although the greatest boy bands originated in the ’90s, they were still going strong in the early ’00s. BSB’s “Black and Blue” and 98 Degrees’ single “Give Me Just One Night” were released in 2000, and N*Sync’s “No Strings Attached” dropped in 2001. There were wars between BSB and N*Sync fans, and every girl friend group allocated the boy band members accordingly. This list has nothing to do with those bands. Instead, we are going to honor the failed attempts at trying to jump on a bandwagon that could only be filled by a select few.

5. Busted
Busted – Year 3000

The original Jonas Brothers. And by that, I mean Busted was huge in England (they were nominated for Record of the Year in 2003) but failed to find a place in the hearts of American 12 year-olds. Disney, then, took two of their songs (“Year 3000” and “What I Go To School For”), and told these three kids named Kevin, Nick and Joe to sing them. So, Busted, you are on this list for writing a mediocre tribute song to “Back to the Future” and spawning the Jonas Brothers.

4. B5

Wikipedia claims that B5 has been active 2002-present. But does playing at Six Flags theme parks really make you an active band? B5’s highlights include performing a version of  “Getc’ha Head In the Game” for the “High School Musical” soundtrack and being featured in Bow Wow’s song “Hydraulics.” But after peaking at Number 9 on the Radio Disney Charts with “U Got Me,” it all went down hill from there. Don’t worry, it was a very small hill.

3. Dream Street
Dream Street – It Happens Every Time

If you look at a picture of Dream Street now, you will be horrified at how young they were. And, if you listen to “It Happens Every Time,” only by looking at that picture will you be able to convince yourself that this was not sung by girls. The music video to this “hit” includes everything a boy band music video should: fireworks, requisite guy whose shirt is incapable of buttoning and a dance scene on a yacht. But without Dream Street, there would probably be no Jesse McCartney, and who wants to live in that world? (Aaron Carter. Aaron Carter probably wants to live in that world.)

2. O-Town
O-Town’s Liquid Dreams. Gross.

In 2000, O-Town became the product of the first ever “Making the Band.” It scared me that when I watched one of their videos last night, I was able to recall that one of them who was not Ashley Parker Angel was named Trevor. Managed by Lou Pearlman, pop-icon generator and creep extraordinaire, this band is probably the most recognizable on the list. But, seriously guys, “Liquid Dreams?” Let’s just name-drop every actress and singer who some people sort of consider pretty and then talk about how they give us wet dreams. Brilliant! Ashley Parker Angel deserves some credit, though, for his self-deprecating cameo on “Clone High.” That is the only reason they weren’t number one on this list.

1. LMNT
LMNT – Juliet

O-Town rejects: That is what LMNT was comprised of. This was the band that replaced Matthew Morrison (Mr. Schue of “Glee”) with someone named Jonas Perch. Well, Jonas Perch, looks like you won. LMNT picked their clever group name from entries to a Teen People Magazine contest. As it has nothing to do with their initials, I’m assuming it is a play on the world “element.” But I’m not sure they realize that. Their best-selling song, “It’s Just You,” can be found on the Kim Possible soundtrack. They also sang “Juliet,” and by sang, I mean spoke slowly with music playing the background. Their complex homage to Shakespeare includes lyrics like “I’ve tried to page you twice, but I see you roll your eyes.” I had forgotten about pagers. And LMNT. And I was okay with that.

My New Year’s resolution: get straight As, but, you know, with variety, maybe an A- here or there, an A+ if I’m feeling brilliant. Yeah it’s cheesy, generic, thoughtless and probably parallels the wishes or resolutions of many Washington University students, but hey, it could be worse. At least it’s not to lose weight, exercise more or stop submitting self-aggrandizing mindless drivel to Student Life, because if it were that, I don’t know what I would do with myself.

The fact of the matter is that as vapid and typical as my resolution may have been, I am actually going to have to work for it. During winter break, I was lucky enough to spend two weeks lying in the sun, somewhere warm and beautiful. It was amazing; I got tan and therefore happy. I spent the other two or so weeks participating in similar activities, except on a couch, in front of a TV, under a blanket, because it was cold. Between the hours spent sitting studying for finals and my winter break triathlon-caliber training regimen, my muscles seemed ready to atrophy and I would be bound to a wheelchair while a stay-at-home nurse massaged me back into walking shape. Needless to say my brain was not in much better shape. My mental activity was limited to reading GQ and The Da Vinci Code and deciding what to eat for lunch. Yes, I might be the last person in the world to have read it and now I know why, IT IS SO GOOD!

As you may have guessed, I arrived back on campus with synapses firing, ready to absorb all the information I could. The first morning back, the most my poor, troubled brain could manage was how to set the snooze on my alarm. It helps that my earliest class is 11:30, and that’s only twice a week, (the other three days are 12) but because of that I end up trapping all day and playing all night, because this is the life of a, the life of a, go getta. Anyway, the symptoms of my four-week vegetative experiment are still catching up with me. In fact I totally forgot that I had to write this piece until a little bubble popped up on my iCal that reminded me of my duty…hehe, duty!

It was then, at the point where iCal took over the responsibility of managing my daily activity, that I realized I needed to get my act together if I even wanted to come close to realizing my New Year’s resolution. Straight As is no easy task, especially at Wash. U., and it seems that getting back into my old work habits is even harder. I have been flexing my massive brain muscle for a little more than one week now, and it is starting to put itself back together, but there are still so many ways to be distracted. Still, every now and then I find myself starting at my wall, drifting back to the beach, soaking up the sun and thinking, really thinking, about what I want to eat for lunch.

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Many people make excuses about why they can’t complete their New Year’s resolutions, but the simple truth is this: they set the bar too high. If you’ve lived a sedentary lifestyle for years, then you’re not going to be ready to run a marathon in a month. Things like this just don’t happen. Nevertheless, people expect quick fixes, and when they don’t get them, they decide it’s just not worth it.

The problem can be seen on a grander scale, too. I can’t tell you how many times I hear some economist say that the economy will be “fixed” by year X or an expert predict peace in the Middle East within Y months; yet wouldn’t it be more practical to think about taking small steps rather than giant leaps? How about we try to stop the market from getting worse instead of trying to return to a golden age? Why not attempt to negotiate a cessation of the current hostilities before we talk about resolving a centuries-old conflict?

Of course I’m not suggesting that wishful thinking is a bad thing, merely that it needs to be complemented with a sense of reality. As far back as I can remember, I’ve absolutely despised green vegetables (I don’t exactly know why, but I just can’t stomach them). Sure, doctors recommend five servings a day, but I can’t just dive into a salad and expect to eat the whole thing. I’ve got to start small, maybe a few pieces of lettuce, and work my way up over time. This may sound stupid (and yes, I am pretty embarrassed about it), but the idea can be applied to virtually any issue, big or small.

Last but not least, remember that you’ve still got a good 50 weeks to make those New Year’s resolutions happen. If you’ve gotten lazy already, then consider this your wake-up call. It’s not too late for all those people to start frequenting the Concourse Athletic Club again, and hopefully I’ll see a bunch of them when I go back there this summer. And who knows? Maybe when they see me, I’ll even have a piece of lettuce stuck between my teeth.

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1) Assistant Vice Chancellor Matthew Malten:

As assistant vice chancellor for campus sustainability, Matthew Malten is currently reviewing the University’s operations and developing plans for long-term sustainability. We hope that as these plans materialize, Malten augments his professional experience with the input of student groups and the successful policies enacted in other institutions. We further expect open communication about the proposals and hope that the administration seriously considers these important steps.

2008 Analysis: Although Malten has not officially released his plan for greening the University, he has taken real steps to set significant sustainability goals that Washington University can achieve. The University has been studying the efforts of other institutions and is working to attain or exceed the levels of sustainability set forth by some of the more aggressive institutions. The University has shown parts of its plan to some students and has included students in its planning. With the economic downturn at the end of 2008, Malten will face increasing challenges as he works to transform the University into a sustainable campus. Malten will need to make the importance of sustainability clear to an administration facing decreased funding and work harder to find economical environmental solutions.

2) Team 31:

We know that Team 31 has a tough task when picking W.I.L.D. musicians who will please more than 6,000 students. That said, it has still managed to pick excellent acts, such as Robert Randolph and the Family Band and Ozomatli, which are not necessarily widely known.  In the future, however, we would like to see more diverse choices for each concert so that the show is more representative of student taste. Last fall’s W.I.L.D. suffered because every musical performer was from the rap genre. Nonetheless, the inflatable couches were an excellent addition. Let’s see more of them on the quad for the next W.I.L.D.

2008 Analysis: With a decreased budget, Team 31 did an outstanding job finding diverse musicians to put on energetic performances. Although it will be impossible for Team 31 to cater to everyone’s musical taste, it has done a good job attracting top acts from different genres that fall within its price range. In 2009 we hope that Team 31 can work to improve the overall event. W.I.L.D. currently suffers from a bit of identity crisis. As the University has tightened alcohol restrictions, W.I.L.D. has become less of a day-long event, but Team 31 has still tried to make it more than just a concert. W.I.L.D. either needs to be a full-day event or simply a concert.

3) Danforth University Center:

While not a person or an organization, we nonetheless expect the new Danforth University Center to have a major impact on campus in 2008. The center has been presented as a place for social congregation for students, with a “fun room” with entertainment and lounge facilities, and we certainly hope that it lives up to its title. The student center should be more than a showcase of state-of-the-art architecture; it should be a real center for students to spend their time, relax and enjoy a product of all that tuition. We look forward to its opening in the fall and hope that it meets its high expectations.

2008 Analysis: Despite initial hiccups, the Danforth University Center (DUC) was a success. The number of students eating lunch and hanging out in the DUC speaks volumes about its accessibility and convenience. Student groups have also found the DUC to be a useful meeting place. In addition to the several student groups that have permanent offices in the DUC, many others reserve rooms for meetings. The University has worked hard to ensure that the DUC meets students needs, even redesigning the lounge to increase the amount of seating when it was clear more was needed to serve the number of students using the building.

4) Associate Vice Chancellor Steve Givens:

After being executive director of university communications and serving as committee chair for the last two presidential debates, Dean Givens will play a critical role in making the 2008 Washington University vice presidential debate both run smoothly and create opportunities for students to engage in the political process. We expect Dean Givens to tap into the potential this debate has to give students a meaningful political experience that will offer firsthand exposure to the United States political scene.

2008 Analysis: Givens did an excellent job turning arguably the most anticipated political debate of the election into a unique and memorable experience for students. The University funded numerous political events that coincided with the debates and gave students the opportunity to express their opinions and participate in the political system. The excitement surrounding the debate was contagious and the experience was an unforgettable one.

You are going to read my columns. Why will you read them? Well, you’ve already gotten this far. You may as well keep going. And also, I’m sure you can’t wait to learn more about me, and a great way to do that will be to read my articles. They will offer insight as to the content of my character (but not the color of my skin). Also, my columns might be a little bit funny, sometimes, I hope.

So what’s important right now? Orientation just ended; classes just started. Joe Biden and Sarah Palin are coming here soon. I think picking Palin was a great move by whoever’s running McCain’s campaign, by the way. Those mythical Clinton supporters with no one left to turn to (scary Barack vs. scary John) can now turn to their comfort zone: women. At least, that’s the theory. Also, it guarantees that Alaska goes to the Republicans in November (Palin’s approval rate hovers somewhere around 80 and 90 percent most of the time), so McCain is well on his way to victory already.

Much more important than that, though, is what I mentioned first: Orientation and classes. After sitting through Orientation, I can say with the utmost confidence that I am terribly glad I will never have to do that again. I don’t think I sat through a single mandatory event that I thought was worthwhile. Most of the voluntary events were the same.

Sure, The Date was very well acted (props to Shauna, representing Ruby 1), and all of the various events that started at 10 p.m. and ended in the wee hours of the morning were nice, even if they did cause me (and presumably others) to become seriously sleep deprived. But on the whole, Orientation was not a good experience.

What is the purpose of that week before classes start when the freshman class gathers together? I suppose it’s at least partly so that we familiarize ourselves with campus and the surrounding area. Do we really need a week for that? Do we really need any time at all? We all got a map. We’re all smart. We should all be able to read maps.

I’m sure another purpose of that week is to meet new people and make new friends. This is certainly a worthy goal, to be sure. Having a good support system is important, and who wants to be the person who is always sitting alone in his or her room? Orientation was not actually a good way to make friends, though. I’m sure many people did just that during that week, but the setup of the program did not encourage it. First of all, the mandatory events consisted mostly of being talked at. You can’t meet someone new while you’re being talked at. That would be rude, not to mention the fact that it’s noisy and probably cramped.

The voluntary nonacademic events consisted of a movie (who meets people during a movie? You’re supposed to watch, not talk), a dance party (the music was too loud to talk over unless you went far enough away that you weren’t actually participating) and some other events that I don’t remember. If these programs had value, I would have remembered them.

Really, the only time that friendship building was a definite possibility was during whatever free time we busy freshmen had. This free time was not planned by whoever planned Orientation (that is the definition of free time). So the best time to accomplish the goals of Orientation was during the time that Orientation events weren’t actually going on. Awesome.

But now Orientation (and this article) is over, and classes are beginning. I’ll be writing every two weeks or so. If there’s any specific subject you’d like me to write about, just e-mail me, and I’ll give my editor my perspective. Have a good Wednesday.