5:52: Who is Sasha Gradiva, why is she wearing guns, and …why is she wearing guns?!

5:55: Rebecca Black is at the Grammys. Arcade Fire who?

5:59: Former Kanye West piece of arm candy Amber Rose is dating Wiz Khalifa. That is like, the biggest downgrade in the history of mankind.

6:27: Nicki Minaj just arrived in some sort of Red Riding Hood-goes-Nun dress, along with the pope. Or something. What.

7:02: And we’re off! Bruce Springsteen giving an opening performance. Bit of a snoozer if we’re being honest. Yes, he’s important, but not exactly the bang-bang-bang opening performance that we’re used to.

7:05: LL Cool J is hosting. I had no idea. Opens with a prayer for his “fallen sister” Whitney Houston. So heartfelt.

7:10: LL Cool J calls Paul McCartney Sir OG. I am never referring to him as anything else other than Sir OG again.

7:08: They show a clip of Whitney performing “I Will Always Love You.” What. A. Voice. A standing ovation.

7:12: Bruno Mars is performing a song that I haven’t heard before. Hopefully Janelle Monae shows up.

7:14: Bruno Mars just swore on national television. I hope there’s a huge fake controversy like with M.I.A..

7:21: Bonnie Raitt and Alicia Keys take the stage. They both look stunning. They perform an Etta James tribute, singing “A Sunday Kind of Love.” Bonnie Raitt is absolutely sublime; Alicia started off shaky but has settled in nicely.

7:24: Adele wins her first Grammy of the show for “Someone Like You” for Pop Vocal Performance. SNL captured the effect of that song best in their skit.

7:26: Chris Brown is performing, and I would just like to remind everyone that he is a woman beater who should not be on the stage.

7:27: I have never heard this song. Chris Brown should be banned from the Grammys for life. The end. Uh. The stage is cool?

7:28: BREAKING: Chris Brown’s stupid dance thing lasted longer than the tribute to Etta James. That is disgusting, Grammys.

7:30: Oh, it’s Beautiful People. I have heard this song. PS: Chris Brown is a woman beater.

7:36: After commercial, Fergie and Marc Anthony present Best Rap Performance to OTIS BY KANYE AND JAY-Z, who aren’t there, because if you didn’t hear Beyonce just had a baby named Blue Ivy Carter.

7:37: REBA MCENTIRE TAKES THE STAGE! Apparently only to introduce Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson, who sing their duet, Don’t You Wanna Stay.

7:40: I’m a Jason Aldean fan, but he doesn’t sound too great. Kelly sounds good, but then again, she did win a live singing competition, so it’s expected. Also, this duet is pretty average in terms of power country duets. Remind Me by Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley is better. Also I’m pretty sure Aldean’s mic just cut out. WHAT. Good work, Grammys.

7:48: Jack Black introduces Foo Fighters, makes fun of Bon Iver. Foo Fighters play, my television is muted.

7:52: AND IT GOES STRAIGHT TO COMMERCIAL AFTER THAT? Thanks for nothing, Grammys.

7:57: Rihanna and Coldplay perform together. She starts with a little acoustic We Found Love. And then the beat drops and it is really awesome and where did all these dancers come from?!

7:59: STILL NO COLDPLAY.

8:01: They played all of We Found Love before going into Princess of China. Chris Martin is playing guitar. Uh oh. Sit down, Chris Martin. At a piano or something. You’re so funny in motion.

8:02: Where is the rest of Coldplay?

8:03: Oh there they are! And Chris Martin is singing Paradise. And sitting at a piano. Much better.

8:12: NY Giants (and Super Bowl champs) Victor Cruz, Mario Manningham, and that stupid Zooey-lite girl from NCIS come out to present Best Rock Performance. Cruz salsas, of course. The coolest part of this category was finding out that The Decemberists were nominated for a Grammy! Foo Fighters win, of course. Instant mute!

8:16: Another SNAFU, as the voiceover lady introduces Ryan Seacrest while Foo Fighters are still giving a speech. Good work. Seacrest introduces The Beach Boys, who are performing with Maroon 5 and Foster the People.

8:18: This is pretty awful, Maroon 5. They’re singing Little Surfer Girl but I can only hear the backup singers.

8:20: They toss it over to Foster the People. The frontman looks terrified but he sounds good.

8:22: And now the Beach Boys actually sing. They are so old. They’re playing Good Vibrations, and this is my chance to reference Lost.

8:23: Seriously, Grammy sound people, TURN THE LEAD MIC UP.

8:24: Adam Levine isn’t even bothering singing into his mic anymore.

Song of the Year

The Song of the Year award goes to the songwriter, and the songwriter alone.

Nominated this year are “Rolling in the Deep” (Adele), “Holocene” (Bon Iver), “Grenade” (Bruno Mars), “The Cave” (Mumford and Sons) and “All of the Lights” (Kanye West). Adele, who has spent 19 weeks atop the album charts, seems like she will dominate these awards. “Rolling in the Deep” was everywhere this year, and the songwriting is solid and catchy. I suppose Bruno Mars could be a spoiler here, but Adele is unstoppable.

Favorite: “Rolling in the Deep”
Spoiler: “Grenade”
Should have been nominated: “Countdown” by Beyoncé

Record of the Year

Nominated this year are “Rolling in the Deep” (Adele), “Holocene” (Bon Iver), “Grenade” (Bruno Mars), “Firework” (Katy Perry) and “The Cave” (Mumford and Sons).

Though this list is almost identical to the one above, the Record of the Year award actually goes to the producers and the artist. Once again, “Rolling in the Deep” looks like it was too big of a hit to ignore. The production is subtle, if unspectacular. If “Rolling in the Deep” somehow loses, “Firework” was a pretty big hit, and Katy Perry just got a divorce. Sympathy vote? The biggest surprise is a complete snub of the impeccable production of Kanye’s song.

Favorite: “Rolling in the Deep”
Spoiler: “Firework”
Should have been nominated: “All of the Lights” by Kanye West

Best New Artist

Nominated this year are The Band Perry, Bon Iver, J. Cole, Nicki Minaj and Skrillex. As per usual, the general public knew almost every single one of these artists before the Grammys recognized them as “new.” It seems like either Bon Iver or Nicki Minaj (who has industry support and powerful allies) should win. But last year, the Grammys threw conventional wisdom to the wind and chose unknown Esperanza Spalding over Justin Bieber and Florence + the Machine, each of whom deserved the award for different reasons. So, who knows? Maybe Skrillex will win.

Favorite: Tossup between Bon Iver and Nicki Minaj
Spoiler: The Band Perry
Should have been nominated: The Weeknd

Album of the Year

Nominated are “21” (Adele), “Doo-Wops & Hooligans” (Bruno Mars), “Wasting Light” (Foo Fighters), “Born This Way” (Lady Gaga) and “Loud” (Rihanna). Yet again, Adele looks to triumph. “21” sold the most copies (and consistently still tops the charts, almost a year after its release). In addition, critics respected it. “Born This Way” had a stellar debut but fizzled out, and it hasn’t received nearly as much radio play as Lady Gaga’s previous efforts. The most curious nomination is Rihanna, who is more known for her singles than for her actual album. And who even knew Foo Fighters put out another album?

There are several albums that deserved nominations more than most of this category, such as Beyoncé’s “4” and Kanye’s “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”—both daring and career-best efforts from two of America’s best modern artists. However, it is a pleasant surprise that Taylor Swift’s “Speak Now” was not nominated.

Favorite: “21” by Adele
Spoiler: “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga
Should have been nominated: “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” by Kanye West

Rap Album

Nominated are “Watch the Throne” (Jay-Z & Kanye West), “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” (Kanye West), “Tha Carter IV” (Lil Wayne), “Lasers” (Lupe Fiasco) and “Pink Friday” (Nicki Minaj). It’s Kanye-on-Kanye action, and I hope it doesn’t lead to him being snubbed for both his career-best work on “MBDTF” and one of the greatest rap collaboration albums of all time (“Watch the Throne”). Kanye’s nomination for Song of the Year for “All of the Lights” points to a little more support for that effort, so it is the de facto “favorite” in another tossup.

Favorite: Kanye
Spoiler: Anyone who isn’t Kanye.
Should have been nominated: If there was a way for all 5 slots to belong to Kanye, he would deserve all of them.

Country Album

Nominated are “Red River Blue” (Blake Shelton), “Here for a Good Time” (George Strait), “My Kinda Party” (Jason Aldean), “Own the Night” (Lady Antebellum) and “Speak Now” (Taylor Swift). Taylor Swift is always unstoppable at the Grammys. She’s like Meryl Streep if Meryl Streep won for every nomination. And if Meryl Streep acted extremely surprised when she won. And if Meryl Streep was awful. Basically, Taylor Swift for the win in this category. Nothing else could happen. Lady Antebellum won a lot of Grammys for “Need You Now,” though, so maybe they can pull off an upset.

Favorite: “Speak Now” by Taylor Swift
Spoiler: “Own the Night” by Lady Antebellum
Should have been nominated: Is “Not Taylor Swift” an option?

When my mom asked me what it was that got me so excited about the album, I described Kanye’s masterfulness with a sample, his strong musical ability, his penchant for dense allusion—his explosive ego getting matched in musical form. Yeah…I sounded quite pretentious, but I really thought so.

What I didn’t realize then was that my description was not unlike one of “prog rock”: the orchestral, musically complicated, theatrical and oft-excessive branch of rock that peaked in the ’70s. Heck, a writer for England’s Daily Telegraph compared the album to The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” a concept album released in 1967 that, while not prog, certainly set the stage for plenty of the less permissible indulgences that occurred in the following decade.

Jon Pareles of The New York Times recently hypothesized that, for the most part, popular music is experiencing a new return to simplicity, one not unlike the advent of disco in the ’70s. I think the excessiveness of an album like “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” represents a flipside to this idea but at the same time doesn’t contradict it. It’s prog rock for an era of disco, something that seems complicated in this period of simplicity. That feels like part of why this album is standing so far apart from the crowd—that and the fact that its singles are doing poorly (relatively speaking). Yet as Kanye West is nothing if not a trailblazer, I still wouldn’t be surprised if we see a substantial rise in “prog rap” over the next months.

I’m starting to think that we’re on the cusp of an event similar to the one that occurred in the late 1970s when the punk movement rebelled against the extravagance of prog and the simplistic, “let’s dance” attitude of disco. Yeah, punk was eventually co-opted by the mainstream and, yeah, the underground is a lot more accessible today, but it feels like something is just around the corner for pop music. Maybe this shift will be in the wrong direction–like Pitchfork giving Lady Gaga (who somehow fits this thematic overload into a simple pop context) a 10.0 for her concept album about cottage cheese or something–but I think pop may eventually get a jolt for the good.

Last year, I couldn’t stop talking about Robyn, a Swedish singer, whose songs are catchy, immediate and NOT fluffy–she would fit in perfectly with Ke$ha or Taio Cruz on your top 40 radio but offer that same radio some necessary depth. I think if our pop singers, rather than just latching on to Yeezy or Gaga (who certainly have their merits), could take a page from Robyn’s book, we could get out of this simple versus complex binary and bring pop to a new level of greatness.

Like him or loathe him, Kanye admirably pushes the genre in a new, more complex direction. He cribs from Black Sabbath and samples everyone from Rick James to Smokey Robinson to prog-rockers King Crimson. Speaking of progressive music, when was the last successful nine-minute hip-hop track? Kanye manages it with “Runaway.”

The album standout, “Monster,” is another six-minute-plus cut, kept fresh by incisive lyrics and fantastic guest spots by Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver and a feral Nicki Minaj. The lyrics of the song verge on pornographic, but for a purpose. Kanye is conscious of the darkness of his lasciviousness.

Elsewhere on the album, we see a fractured rapper at times gloating, then vulnerable, self-promoting and self-conscious. This isn’t exactly hip-hop “Hamlet,” but Kanye presents a genuine and introspective voice, one capable of a full range of expression and torn by conflicting desires.

Kanye doesn’t so much capture the zeitgeist of the genre as he forms it. Smart hip-hop has been around since the beginning, but “Fantasy” is a commercial concept album tied together with leitmotifs and lyrical echoes, one that invites the listener to consider the hip-hopper as a poet.

For fans of: Kid Cudi, Lupe Fiasco, N.E.R.D.
Tracks to download: ‘Monster,’ ‘Gorgeous,’ oh hell, just get the whole thing

Lane Christiansen | Chicago Tribune | MCT

3) The Rent is Too Damn High Guy
You’ll need gloves, a mustache and the ability to perform karate.

4) Double Rainbow
Fashion two rainbows out of construction paper and start crying.

Alex Ibanez | ABACA PRESS | MCT

6) Mel Gibson
Get so drunk and racist that the cast of “The Hangover 2” bans you from the set. These are the same guys who cast Mike Tyson in a movie.

7) Lady Gaga
Beg the butcher department at Schnucks for last week’s steaks and somehow fashion them into some sort of clothing substitute. We’d give you more concrete advice, but Cadenza is still not sure how that all stuck on her. If you’re of the vegetarian persuasion, buy a giant block of tofu.

Gary Emeigh | MCT

9) Tea Party Member
Wear revolutionary clothes and hold a sign that says, “Obama is a Komunest.” Also, try to find a sun hat. Hang tea bags from it. Refuse to use your inside voice.

Ever since the release of Weezy’s first rock single, “Prom Queen,” I have heard almost nothing but poor reviews from both my friends and music critics. Everyone shouted the same ideas over and over again: “Lil Wayne needs to stick to what he’s does best,” or “Why did he try to fix what wasn’t broken?” These questions bring to mind striking comparisons between Lil Wayne’s rock record and Kanye West’s 2008 pop album, “808s and Heartbreak.” Both artists are widely considered two of the greatest rappers of the past decade. Both were at the top of their game before an extensive transformtion. And both of their albums deviated from the artist’s customary skill set that millions of fans have worshipped and revered. But most importantly, both “Rebirth” and “808” left hip-hop fans—including myself—disappointed.

But I’ve come to learn that I was wrong. It is perfectly acceptable to dislike the new musical fashions that Kanye and Wayne experimented with, but it is not acceptable to dislike them for doing so. I realized that I had forgotten music’s most basic feature: its tendency to evolve. Music is about creativity and innovation. We all know that our grandparents can’t stand our hippity-hop and gangster (emphasis on the ‘r’) rap songs, and most of us rarely tune into the big bands our grandparents cherished. But we too often fail to realize the almost unavoidable possibility that we will detest our grandchildren’s musical tastes, and they will probably hate on rap music in return. This evolution is rooted in music’s central qualities: its ability to transform, to expand, and to ebb and flow. If I am a true fan of music—whether it be hip-hop, rock, pop or any other genre—then I need to respect the fact that the legacy of music depends on its nature of change.

I now realize that I can’t criticize Kanye and Lil Wayne for their musical deviations. To do so would be unfair to two of rap’s greatest artists, to music, and to the lover of music inside me. Mr. West and Weezy are only doing their job: furthering the legacy and spirit of music. I may give “Rebirth” and “808” a zero-star rating, but I certainly give them a 10 out of 10 in the props department. We hear rappers continuously focus on money and fame, but these two musical masterminds put their reputations on the line. Wayne and Kanye must have recognized that their fans might dislike their new musical form. But they also must have assumed that the fans would still appreciate the musician. So while it may kill me to listen to Lil Wayne’s rock album and Kanye West’s pop record, I will no doubt defend them to the death.

(Lionel Hahn | MBR)

Michael Cera: Umm, yeah, I’m just really thankful, that umm, that girls are attracted to both my inability to enunciate and my feminine qualities.

Robert Pattinson: I just want to thank all of the vampire fans out there for making my paleness sexy instead of pasty.

Paris Hilton: I’m thankful for a roof over my head, a delicious turkey in my belly (with a side of mashed potatoes, of course) and last, but not least, my loving family.

Anything That Ever Starred Jane Lynch: Jane Lynch

Tracy Morgan: I’m thankful that, 4,000 years ago, when the Earth was flooded and the Pilgrims swam over from Scandinavia to the Rosetta Stone, the Native Americans taught them how to survive on spicy tuna rolls and popcorn.

Jon Hamm: Do you really need to ask?

(Lionel Hahn | HO)

Miley Cyrus: I was told by my publicist to thank Jay-Z, whatever that is.

Jay-Z: I’m thankful for NEW YOOOORRRKKK!

Kate Gosselin: This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful that I have one less mouth to feed.

Angelina Jolie: Africa.

Katherine Heigl: I’m thankful that I’ve been able to ascend from roles in
misogynistic films like “Knocked Up” to the pro-feminist “The Ugly Truth.”