We don’t like that and want to do something to rectify it. But since it would be even weirder if we bought our presents, we’re making a list. Hopefully someone important in the entertainment industry will find it and make all of our wishes come true.

We wish for…

• The “Hunger Games” movie to be as awesome as its trailer. Seriously, the trailer convinced any doubter that Jennifer Lawrence is perfect for Katniss, and everything just looked so… bleak, but perfectly so.

• “The Dark Knight Rises” to be somehow even more amazing than “The Dark Knight,” despite its annoyingly long and reminiscent title.

• Joss Whedon to not be kidding about a sequel to “Dr. Horrible” and that we see some tangible progress (aka the actual sequel).

• NBC to show some mercy and let “The Office” go already. And “Whitney.” We heard it needs more space in its Thursday night schedule.

• Speaking of NBC’s Thursday night schedule, that “Community” ever comes back, for six seasons and a movie and that whole deal.

• The new “Arrested Development” season and movie to be put into action quickly and efficiently, with no surprise problems, missing cast members or huge mistakes.

• Doctor Who’s screwdriver – how much easier would life be with it?

• The Kardashians would go away – if Kim Humphries can get rid of Kim in 72 days, why is she still on my TV?

• Adele’s voice to come back soon.

• The ability to sing as well as Adele.

• The new Killers album to actually come out.

• Ke$ha to stop giving glitter a bad name and actually learn to sing even with auto tune.

• The “Twilight” saga to fall off the face of the earth, along with Kristen Stewart and sparkling vampires.

• For Anne Burrell to become an Iron Chef, even without winning the Food Network competition.

• For “Once Upon a Time” to continue referencing “Lost” as much as possible.

Chris Haston | NBC

“The Office”—“Classy Christmas” episode 711—Pictured: Brian Baumgartner as Kevin Malone, Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer and Zach Woods as Gabe Lewis.

Note: By the time Student Life goes to print, we won’t have seen what is sure to have been the awesome “Community” claymation special. And I think we can all agree that the severe lack of Mariah Carey Christmas songs on Tuesday’s “Glee” automatically makes it ineligible for contention on this list.

‘It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’
‘A Very Sunny Christmas Special’
If you’ve always thought Christmas specials lacked crime, depravity and a naked, sweaty Danny DeVito being birthed from a couch, then “A Very Sunny Christmas Special” is perfect for you. How do the worst people on earth spend their Christmas? Dennis and Dee attempt to “Christmas Carol” Frank as punishment for always buying what Dennis and Dee want for Christmas but keeping the gifts for himself. Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie confront their own Christmas ghosts as they realize that what they thought were typical Christmas traditions were actually bouts of petty theft and prostitution. Hilarity ensues.

Patrick McElhenney | FX

Season 5: “D.E.N.N.I.S.” Top L-R: Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton

‘Futurama’
‘Xmas Story’
It’s the end of the year, but Fry just can’t get into the holiday spirit. Maybe it’s because he can’t decide whether to buy Leela a $500 parrot or 500 $1 stink lizards. Maybe it’s because “Christmas” now goes by “Xmas.” Or maybe it’s because Robot Santa, played by a menacing John Goodman, is trying to shoot him with a machine gun. Really though, what would Xmas be without Robot Santa’s mistletoe? Sorry, I mean TOW missile. The Planet Express crew should actually be thanking the homicidal Santa at the end of the episode. If it weren’t for him, they wouldn’t have bonded through fear or gotten to sing a heartwarming rendition of “Santa Claus is Gunning You Down.”

‘Seinfeld’
‘Festivus’
So you hate what the holidays have come to stand for: Christmas music being played in October, consumerism and colorful sweaters. In that case, Festivus is the holiday for you. All you need is an aluminum pole, upper body strength and a strong sense of disappointment in your friends and family. On Dec. 23, invite everyone you love over for dinner, and celebrate with the traditional “airing of the grievances” by informing them how they’ve failed you in the past year. This is followed by “feats of strength,” a wrestling match between the head of household and a person of his or her choosing. Remember, Festivus does not officially end until the head of household is pinned to the ground.

‘Rugrats’
‘A Rugrats Chanukah’
This blast from the past was the most entertaining and informative Chanukah special of our day. Granted, we don’t remember much of what Grandma Minkus told Tommy, Chuckie, Phil and Lil about the Maccabees, but we still remember that this episode was a thing, and that’s more than we can say for any episode of “CatDog.”

‘30 Rock’
‘Christmas Special’
The episode where Liz Lemon got—wait, what’s the past tense of scam? Is it scrumped? The episode where Liz Lemon got scrumped. After being uninvited from her parents’ house for Christmas, Liz puts all of her energy into buying gifts for underprivileged children—only to be scammed by two middle-aged men—only to then go on to ruin the Christmas of their children. And the amazing Elaine Stritch is back as Jack’s mom because he backed into her with his car—and waited eight minutes before calling 911. But after Jack finds out his mother whored herself out to Mr. F.A.O. Schwarz for his childhood presents, they make up and sing a duet at the show’s end. That’s the magic of Christmas, folks.

‘The Office’
‘Benihana Christmas’
Directed by Wash. U.’s own Harold Ramis, this episode of “The Office” is one of the series’ best. After creepily photoshopping his head onto his girlfriend’s ex-husband’s in a family photo, Michael is dumped by Carol right before the office Christmas party. As a pick-me-up, Andy suggests that the boys go to “Asian Hooters” (Benihana), and despite Dwight informing the table how to best kill a goose, Andy and Michael each score waitress dates. Back at the office, party planning politics have come to a head when Pam and Karen team up against Angela and throw competing Christmas parties. Shockingly, the party with the alcohol beats the party with the crafts—but in the spirit of Christmas, Pam offers to merge the two and create one amazing, karaoke-filled holiday party.

Becky Zhao | Student Life

What exactly is the definition of Christmas? Purists will give you a spiel about the baby Jesus and the Virgin Mary, peace on Earth, and goodwill toward man. While Christmas is at its root a religious holiday, it has long since exceeded the limits of its original definition. Christmas now means presents, food and people getting trampled to death at Walmart. It’s a holiday of general goodwill, pleasantry, consumerism and gluttony that transcends the purely religious overtones.

While it makes sense that Christians want to preserve the religiosity of the holiday, Christmas has become widely practiced as a secular celebration. Not everyone in America celebrates Christmas—nor should they—but it’s hard to argue that modern Christmas is only a Christian holiday. In a modern, secular society, it makes no sense to publicly promote the religious aspects.

Spelling considerations aside, keeping Christ an all-pervasive presence in Christmas is something of an impossible task. Not only has Christmas taken on consumerist and generally secular elements, its appeal has spread far beyond people who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. My friends, with a few exceptions (mainly Jews, but they have a pretty good deal with Hanukkah), celebrate Christmas despite their lack of religious conviction. I’ve never heard an atheist refuse a gingerbread cookie or express distaste for Christmas trees unless it was for environmental reasons. Santa, at least for a month out of the year, is for better or worse more popular than Jesus. Let’s face it, a jolly fat man bearing presents is much more marketable than a saintly martyr who would have asked for world peace for Christmas.

What does it mean to “Keep Christ in Christmas,” anyway? If the idea is to preserve the message of peace and goodwill toward humanity rather than promote the nearing-militant consumerism, I’m all for it. It’s a little pathetic when Barbie dolls and digital cameras can incite human beings to stampede like buffaloes. However, I have a feeling there’s more to it than that. There’s an implication of exclusion, as though Christianity “owns” Christmas. This may have been true at one point, but isn’t any longer. Christmas borrowed elements from pagan winter festivals. The best aspects of Christmas are its wide appeal and its ability to transcend social and economic divides to bring people together. It overlaps with Hanukkah, New Years and other celebrations, so why not focus on the season as a whole and the common elements of festivity?

Overall, December is a season of giving and gluttony that’s incredibly infectious. There’s a strong tradition of charity during the holiday season that’s not limited to church-going people. Cultural practices are fluid; indeed, Christmas just happens to be a holiday that is fairly removed from its religious roots. In a modern, secular society, there should be a focus of promotion of goodwill and happiness for everyone, not a specific religious group. Christmas, whether it’s called Christmas or “the holidays,” promotes this concept admirably; additionally, it stimulates the economy. The religious aspects have an important sphere of influence. In general, Christmas has immense value as a secular celebration, and its role as such will only grow with time, no matter how big the bumper stickers get.

Your first hurdle: Thanksgiving. Extended family, heavy food and too much wine. If you’re anything like me, which hopefully you aren’t because if you are, you should probably be in a place resembling jail or a quarantine, this is a recipe for disaster. So how do you resist the puckish urges that old people and sickly cousins seem to bring out in you? The answer lies in preparation. Do as much diligence before this holiday as you would for a philosophy paper. Devote as much energy to developing Buddha-like restraint as you would to sourcing Four Lokos before they become illegal. Make sure to know your exit plan. If moldy old Aunt Sally waddles up to you and wants to know about Wershington University and how the weather is in California, you need to be on your A-game. For guys, the safe and easy option is Thanksgiving football. Whichever demigod thought of this idea, I will build a statue in your honor. For girls, well, I’m no expert, but pretending your biffer just broke up with her bf of three months and is going to commit carbocide without an emergency chat-sesh seems like a solid option to me. Everyone can rest easy though, knowing that the tryptophan in the turkey will knock out the predators sooner rather than later.

If you’re lucky enough to make it through Thanksgiving without being disowned, you’re on the right track, and you’re making good progress. But ahead of you lies a marathon, a Goliath of holiday schmooze, if you will. From Hanukkah to Christmas to New Year’s, religion and culture are throwing down a serious gauntlet. If you had to equate this stretch of time to a terrible movie, I’d have to say that these upcoming weeks caused the storm in “The Day After Tomorrow.” If, like me, you’re of the Jewish persuasion, don’t be bitter that the goyim have a far superior holiday (come on, a jolly fat man who brings you stuff you want!), we have eight nights to make up for the inferiority complex. And at least we aren’t targeted by those elf ads. Regardless of your cultural leanings, you have to make it to New Year’s somehow. To get through these weeks, take advantage of being home. See your friends; if you live in a city, explore it; and this is getting too genuine, so also make sure to abuse the excess gratitude your parents feel now that you’re home. A well-balanced and relaxed break is integral to your vitality during this trying time.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to New Year’s Eve. What to do now? Well, really, what else does one do on this delightfully overhyped night than get delightfully inappropriate? Why, you ask? Because you deserve it. Make yourself a soothing Jägerbomb, and peacefully, with the most precise focus on debauchery, head on out into the night.

Playa Marsella in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua. (Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)

Have you ever considered exploring the sights of a new country? Did you dream of studying abroad but couldn’t fit it in your schedule? With the economic recession particularly hurting the airline business, international flights are now cheaper than ever. And, with Washington University’s long winter break coming up, now is a great time to think about going overseas. So if you’ve been dying to go on a real vacation and escape the St. Louis chill, or escape America all together, here are a few international locales to check out that won’t break your budget.

Morocco

Located along the Atlantic coast of Northern Africa, Morocco has a lot to offer any tourist—but especially tourists interested in exploring rich, new cultures. Due to its location, Morocco often feels more like the Mediterranean than like Africa. Northern Morocco boasts countless historic cities full of Roman and Islamic influences, lush valleys, and cooler temperatures. But as you move south, Africa emerges.

There is much to explore across all of Morocco’s different districts: Tangiers, Agadir, Marrakech, Casablanca, Ouarzazate and Tarfaya. For a taste of Morocco’s history and culture, Marrakech is a must. And while you’re visiting the city, I definitely recommend exploring the Majorelle Garden, which was bought by famous fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent and has inspired many of his runway shows.

If you’re more of a beach person, not to worry—Morocco is a coastal country and boasts 3,000 miles of beachfront. Agadir in the south is the only resort area of Morocco and claims the warmest climate. During the winter months, temperatures tend to hover around 65-70 degrees Fahrenheit.

Morocco’s tourism industry is growing, but it has not yet become an established tourist destination—which means lower prices! You can find nice places to stay without sacrificing comfort. Food and activities won’t cost you much either. Flights to Morocco vary in cost but start around $1,000. Be sure to dig around for the best price—and always call several airlines to ask about their package deals or seasonal specials before you book anything.

Nicaragua

If you’re looking for a great vacation involving beaches, delicious food, lots of local culture and low prices, Nicaragua is for you—particularly if you haven’t had a chance to travel outside America, and you’re looking for something a little closer than these other destinations.

Nicaragua is located right in the middle of Central America and is bordered by the Caribbean Sea on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. I haven’t explored the Caribbean side much, but the Pacific coast is beautiful. I recommend staying in San Juan del Sur, a wonderful coastal town with white sand beaches, great markets and authentic open-air restaurants. Not too far away is Granada—a historical town with a quaint colonial feel—which is definitely worth exploring for a day or two.

Lake Nicaragua, a large lake located in southwest Nicaragua, is also closeby. And in the middle of the lake is Ometepe Island. The island consists of two old volcanoes, some of the country’s most beautiful beaches, and wonderful conservation grounds. I recommend taking a day to hike one of the volcanoes, which are covered in forests full of monkeys and rich wildlife. Ferries take people to and from the island several times a day.

If you don’t get a chance to make it to Ometepe, consider exploring Mombacho instead. This volcano surrounded by small farms and coffee plantations is right near the city of Granada and is a protected nature reserve. At the top of the volcano is a cloud forest, where there are countless nature trails. Here, tourists can spot rare flowers and birds, as well as spectacular views of Lake Nicaragua and the surrounding area.

Flights to Nicaragua can be as cheap as $600 in December and January, and it is easy to find places to stay with comfortable rooms for as little as $40 per night.

Thailand

Thailand is perhaps the most beautiful place I have ever been to. But there’s more to do than just sit on the beach staring into the ocean—try learning to scuba dive. Due to a surge in tourism, Thailand offers visitors numerous licensed diving instructors to choose from. With the clear waters and tropical fish, divers will never be bored here. To experience some of the world’s finest beaches, try visiting Phuket or Ko Samui.

If you’re down south, there are hundreds of small islands jutting out of the water right by the coast that are often full of beautiful caves and hidden beaches, perfect for a boating excursion.

Or you could always consider taking classes in Thai cooking, Buddhism or traditional Thai massage, all of which are very popular tourist activities. And don’t forget about Thailand’s fascinating museums, temples, World Heritage sites and hundreds of national parks.

Flights over winter break can be as low as $1,000, and you can find comfortable rooms for as little as $50 per night.

Vietnam

For another alternative vacation option, Vietnam is one of the most fascinating trips you can find. To really experience Vietnam, you must look at its military history.

Try checking out the Vietnam Military History Museum in Hanoi. Or travel to Cu Chi, and take a tour of the remaining tunnels left over from the war. These tunnels, however, are certainly not for the faint of heart (or for the short of breath). There is very little breathing room along these super-narrow underground pathways. Yet if you can manage to squeeze yourself into one, you’ll see tiny underground rooms that were once people’s living quarters, operating rooms, dining rooms and bathrooms. Most tours of these tunnels also incorporate a brief history of the Vietnam War and a description of their war strategies and weaponry, including some gruesome booby traps.

For a change of pace, head to the Ngũ Hành just south of Da Nang. These mountains are named after the five elements: Kim (metal), Thuy (water), Moc (wood), Hoa (fire) and Tho (earth). But tourists have dubbed these the “Marble Mountains,” as huge amounts of marble and limestone are extracted from the hills. At the base of the mountains is a small narrow “road” full of stalls of marble carvers who sell their artistry to tourists at very low prices. And, of course, haggling is certainly acceptable here.

There are still beaches aplenty in Vietnam, if that’s what you’re looking for. A particularly interesting beach setting is Halong Bay, which consists of almost 2,000 islands extending out of the ocean, most of which house floating villages of fishermen, countless caves, lakes and small beaches, all perfect for a day of exploring.

Flights can be found for $1,500, and hotel rooms can be found all over the country for as little as $15 per night. But if you’re looking for the most comfortable setting at a cheap price, accommodations are often around $50.

Tickets to the Tivoli—or any other theater

Who doesn’t love a good show? Be sure to include tons of candy for some movie munchies.

A massage gift certificate, available from the South 40 Fitness Center

Perfect for an early gift, especially since we’re in the midst of super-stressful exam weeks. Remind your friends that they need to take time to relax.

A Christmas or Hanukkah basket

For Christmas, buy lights, a stocking, ornaments, candy canes, a little tree or anything else Christmas-themed. For Hanukkah, stick with dreidels, gelt and any other tchotchkes you can find. If you’re feeling particularly generous, give a menorah, either the traditional candle or the electric kind.

Magazine subscription

Need I say more?

C is for cookie!

That’s good enough for me!

Like to bake? Make your specialty, nestle it in festive tissue paper in a box, wrap it, tie a bow and deliver with love. Or if you’re not such a keen cook, give a make-your-own, enter-baked-good-of-your-choice-here gift. Find a glass jar and a simple recipe. Layer the dry ingredients such as flour and sugar in a jar, include the recipe on a card tied around the neck of the jar, and wait for them to offer you a taste of the treat. After all, you did help!

For a sweet and simple gift, do the same with hot chocolate. Layer the cocoa powder with marshmallows, a cute mixing spoon and a mug or two.

This is just a short sampling of gifts-that-could-be. Think about something unique to your recipient, like something special that you have in common or an inside joke, and give a gift that’s meaningful and special. If you put just a little thought into it, anything you give will be appreciated. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

There is a new me. I am a me that believes himself capable of single-handedly conquering and simultaneously ruling all seven continents with an iron, yet unimaginably soft, fist. Think of a baby’s bottom plus cashmere and buttery smoothness. This is me, with the magical, perfectly balanced fist that will allow me to garner love and praise from my future six billion-plus worldly disciples, which is a product of the holiday season.

There is something about the period from right before Thanksgiving through New Year’s that makes me feel special. I’m not really sure what it is. Perhaps it’s that the tryptophan in the turkey knocks me for a one-month loop every year, perhaps it’s the hope that one year I’ll receive a giant-bow-wrapped Lexus. Maybe, and most likely, it’s the knowledge that every kiss really does begin with Kay. I tend to enter a stratosphere of giddiness known only to cheerleaders and Rachel Ray. Finals….pshhh, what’s the big deal, Santa’s coming soon!

This four-week period is like one giant artificial joy trip. I just want to dress my dog up in a Santa jacket and hat and hang some menorah bling around his neck. Next show on MTV: “Pimp My Dog.” What fails to enter my consciousness during the holiday season is reality. That endless downer can’t bring me back down to earth. No one’s going to take the 30 percent sales and dancing elves away from me. This is my time to relish in my Jewish appreciation of Christmas, i.e. presents, reindeer, Chinese food and bitterness that our holiday is totally outmatched by the Christmas machine.

Nonetheless, I retain my perch on top of the world. Not even Delta Airlines’ incompetence was able to make me cranky. At the point of this article’s conception, Delta has forced me to gate check my bag, lost it, and now, is still unable to locate it. Being of the sort that tends to dwell on the negative aspects of his or her existence, it is astonishing to me that I have not dug myself three feet underground with frustration. The holidays are a time to get caught up in the ridiculousness. When Best Buy tells me they are having a 400 percent sale on electronic book readers, I go nuts! Why? Because the holidays make me feel like Best Buy has a vested interest in my enjoyment of electronic book readers. Best Buy wants it to be my best Chrismahanakwanzakah ever.

As much as the holidays are about family and all that sentimental stuff, it’s also about a little bit (really read as A LOT) of self indulgence. Tell that cookie that his days are numbered since you just fired your diet, watch 40 hours of your favorite TV show in a row, spoil yourself, because you deserve it.

With my holiday-induced delusions of grandeur in full swing, I, ruler of the galaxies, say goodbye from my massive throne and sign off with my buttery soft, iron fist. Holiday wishes from your annoyingly cheery columnist!

Wintery cruisin’

Mackenzie Olson, a sophomore and member of the track team at the University, starts out her Christmas Eve with a day cruise in the family car. The cruise became an annual tradition for the family since her father bought her mother the car as a present one year. After the day cruise, the Olsons head over to a movie theater and watch the newest, longest movie released at the time. This is to prevent a day “wasted on cleaning.” By the time the Olsons get home, it is time for Christmas dinner. After dinner and dessert, they go in the backyard and make snowmen that resemble each member of the family—just like the Simpsons. The Olsons end Christmas Eve with a night cruise to take in the wonderful Christmas lights.

Rob your neighbor!

Do not take this literally! Sophomore basketball player Hannah Cusworth plays the game “Rob Your Neighbor” every Christmas day with her whole family. “Rob Your Neighbor” is a game where all the players sit in a circle, and there is a pile of small wrapped presents in the middle. These presents range from gag gifts to some really nice expensive gifts. Each player rolls a pair of dice, and if a double is rolled, the player gets to pick a prize from the middle. Once all the prizes are taken, a timer is set for five to 10 minutes, and during that time, the dice are rolled again. But here’s the catch: The second time around, if someone rolls doubles, that person can steal any of the presents from any of the other players. At the end of this allotted time, everyone opens their presents for pleasant surprises! Variations on this game include the “White Elephant.” Whatever you call it, “Rob Your Neighbor” sure puts a new twist on grab bags!

A brand new year

Senior Trinity Fry’s favorite holiday occurs on the last night of the year. She spends New Year’s Eve with her family in front of the fireplace in her living room. She and her family write down their new resolutions and hopes for the new year on pieces of paper. Then, the Frys take their old papers from the previous year, stored safely in a jar on the mantle, and throw them into the fireplace. The New Year’s resolutions are then are placed into the jar, which is reset on the mantle to remind them of their goals throughout the next year.

Hanukkah lights

Sometimes, your favorite times can be those traditional moments spent with family. Hanukkah is sophomore JJ Gotlieb’s favorite holiday. Every winter, he goes home to spend quality time with his family. Since Hanukkah lasts for eight days, JJ receives presents of three different sizes depending on the day—small, medium and large. On the last day of Hanukkah, his grandmother always uses her special recipe and makes delicious latkes. Then, his family eats a final meal together and lights the final candle on the menorah. This night is Gotlieb’s favorite—it is the night he receives the biggest present.

Whether your favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or New Year’s, there is always a fun tradition just waiting to be made. The winter break is fast approaching, and when the time comes, you will be able to forget about school and enjoy the long relaxing days. Until then, keep up your hard work and, in advance, happy holidays!