Friendships are not measured by time or financial gains but by the selfless service of the person committing himself to an individual other than himself. Parents and siblings are friends by blood, but it’s those strangers that we meet on a peaceful fall afternoon, crossing the grassy field, into the library that change our lives forever.

In the near future I will begin my journey across the ocean to provide my skillset as a soldier with the United States Army. I’ve been placed with a unit other than my own from Hannibal, Missouri as a fill-in. Over the last few weeks, I’ve trained with a large group of soldiers of which I knew only a few. Meeting new people is usually difficult. Some people work thirty years at the same job and seem to know very little about their fellow co-workers.

In the Army this isn’t an option. Friendship turns from a convenience of time to a necessity of the present. My new unit stresses the philosophy of family. This family will evolve by developing strong friendships by living, eating and training with each other all day, every day.

We have soldiers with varying ages, from those young enough to enroll in college to those old enough to pay for their kids’ own. The age difference is a plus—it makes the old feel young, and the young feel wise. These friendships cross all ages and barriers.These are friendships that will deal not only with the hopes and dreams of the individuals, but also with life and death. The soldiers that I have in my squad have now become my immediate family—people that I will provide support to and will need support from. We are both male and female. Our different personalities will bind us together for the long journey away from home.

The small group has the quiet leadership that trusts us to take care of our business, and another soldier who’s close to retirement and cracks jokes to make sure everyone knows he’s got their back. My new family has experience and curiosity. The three-man team that I’m part of consists of two younger guys and then me, a not-so-young guy. Our friendships developed immediately because of the things we had in common: sports, cars and the Army. We all have that in common whether we like it or not. Friendships are interesting because you’re never sure how they will end up. I think the friendships I’ve made in such a short time not only with my fellow enlisted soldiers, but also with my leadership, will last long past my deployment.

So school is about to get into full swing and summer playtime is finally winding down. I hope that all of you on campus enjoy the changing of the seasons as fall arrives and students from all over wander into the libraries and dorms scattered throughout Washington University to enjoy each other’s company.

Friendship is one of the most important things you can have, wherever you go. I have a feeling I’ll be just fine when it comes to making friends, but while you are at school, keep your friends close, because they are the ones who make it all worthwhile.

Throughout this school year I will continue my column from abroad, not only writing about what I think, but what soldiers the same age as college students think. Feel free to email me with any questions or comments, and follow along as I travel abroad with my new friends.

Our friends are the unsung heroes of our lives. They have this sort of magical knowledge that lets them instantly tell if we’re upset, how upset we are and exactly what to do to make us feel better. And, unlike someone we’re dating, we don’t need to buy them anniversary gifts, pick out nice lingerie or agonize over meeting their parents. They’re just there.

But when we start dating someone, our friends sometimes stop being the most important people in our lives. It’s hard on both parties, but particularly on the friends who are left behind.

So when I found myself listening to angry breakup music while I was doing my homework, I began to wonder why it felt so therapeutic. For some reason I had relationship rage, and I wasn’t sure where to direct it. That was until one of my friends from home called me and screamed “I’m done with Meg! If I see one more picture of her and Dan or get her voicemail one more time when I call her, our friendship is over.”

It turns out that’s where my rage was coming from too. Meg, my best friend from the days of glasses and braces, had stopped returning all of her friends’ calls, texts, emails, etc. And as someone who had always been there for her, it was infuriating and painful to never hear back from her when I needed her.

So what can you do when you’ve lost a friend into the black hole of a significant other?

First, resist the urge to tell them how much you think they suck and you hate their new partner—these feelings happen, but it’s not the best way to approach this conversation. Instead, take a deep breath and remember that, for whatever reason, dating this new person makes your friend happy—and, even if you’re a bit jealous, you should at least be able to appreciate that.

Then, be nice, but honest. You are allowed to say, “I’m angry,” “I miss you” and “I wish we spent more time together.” And maybe this will be well-received, maybe it won’t. Open the door to talk freely about your issues, so your friendship doesn’t slowly drift so much that it becomes unsalvageable.

And if you’re the one in the relationship, be the first to call up your neglected friend, and go out for dinner and a movie. It’s the little things that will keep everyone happy and save you if your love life goes south.

Or is it? While the beginning of a relationship is—and rightly should be—“magical” for those directly involved, it’s often something very different for those on the periphery. For friends of the newly in love, those who become spectators to the budding romance with or without their consent, the experience is often less one of pure romantic delight than of simple, sometimes intense, irritation.

Let me be clear: I do not think that all new relationships are irritating, nor do I think that any person has the right to not be happy for a friend who has finally found someone. It goes against the very definition of friendship to begrudge another’s happiness just because you don’t want to hear about it, and a lot of the time, it really is exciting when a friend has found a good match.

That said, when a friend finds a match and for all intents and purposes ceases to be your friend…well, that is a problem.

What I’m talking about is what I like to refer to as 14-year-old girl syndrome, and it’s what I’m here to warn you about. Though not yet medically recognized, the condition is a serious one, one in which a person, upon entering into a new relationship, suddenly and sometimes irrevocably seems to lose sight of him or herself.

The condition is rarely fatal in the literal sense, but it has been the death of many a friendship.

Consider Mary. Mary and Kate have been best friends since freshman year. In that time, both have dated around, but neither has been involved in anything all that serious.

Enter Greg. Greg and Mary are the same major and have had classes together on and off for the past couple years. Kate has heard many a lament from Mary about her unrequited love. Greg has finally become aware of Mary’s affection, and they are newly dating. They’re in love, and it’s great.

But it’s not great for Kate. A week into the relationship, Kate and Mary have plans to go shopping, but Mary cancels last minute because Greg wants to go to dinner. Ten days into the relationship, Kate and Mary are supposed to go to dinner, and again Mary bails last minute because Greg needs help on his art project. Two weeks into the relationship, Greg goes out of town; Mary misses Kate’s birthday party because she can’t bring herself to hang up the phone. On and on it goes…

Kate stops making plans with Mary and finds other friends.

Young lovers, hear this: Don’t be that girl. As much as it’s natural and normal to want to indulge yourself in the early relationship glow, it is never okay to do so at the expense of your friends. Yes, first dates and first kisses are lovely, but it’s even more lovely when, once they end, you have someone left to talk to.

And okay, you can try to justify yourself with claims that “real friends want me to be happy” and “real friends will understand” and maybe for a little while that’s okay.  But at the same time, consider this: Should “real friends” really be made to feel like they’re at the absolute bottom of your priority list? Does the fact that you can get away with something really make it right?

I say again: Don’t be that girl.

That girl, I should note, doesn’t have to be a girl. The 14-year-old girl syndrome is not exclusive to the female sex; although in my experience it does tend to appear more frequently among females, it’s something that affects us all. We all get lost in our own euphoria where we can forget that we have obligations and responsibilities elsewhere. But at the end of the day, ignoring them doesn’t make obligations and responsibilities go away.

Be young. Be in love. Be yourself. But remember, there’s life outside your new relationship.

Of course, such a statement usually ends up with several objections, primarily by women (most men find this intuitive), with things like “I have lots of guy friends!” Perhaps this is the case. There are exactly three situations wherein a guy and a girl can be legitimate friends: if the guy is gay, if the guy does not find you, the woman, attractive or if the guy already has a woman higher than you on his list, either as a prospect or a partner. This, at least in part, reflects the largely common sense conventional wisdom that guys only want one thing. Sometimes conventional wisdom doesn’t necessarily reflect the actual truth, but in this case, it’s spot on. Even academia has caught onto this notion, with fieldwork done in 1994 by sociologist Dallas Lynn confirming the findings. However, most women still doubt, and no amount of empirical proof is going to change this fact. That said, I think a simple hypothetical, a thought experiment if you will, suffices.

Imagine you’re with your guy friend at your house, chatting casually—of course, make sure that he doesn’t fall into the three categories listed above. Then, imagine you excuse yourself, go into the bathroom and completely undress. You then leave the bathroom, and ask him to have sex with you. Would he say that he understands your feelings but wouldn’t want to complicate his relationship with you and would much rather that the two of you remain friends? Or would he, as I think he would, comply? Of course, this thought experiment only works if you’re actually honest with yourself, but I find the former situation highly, highly implausible.

This isn’t to say that guys and gals should only be in serious relationships. It’s perfectly fine to be friends with the opposite sex. However, there’s no way that the relationship will actually be as genuine or sincere as one where the prospect of sex doesn’t constantly get in the way. Guys will always want to have sex with the women whom they’re friends with, and this is just nature. It’s fine that they’ll never actually act on it, but the sex thing is already out there on the table, and consequently the relationship is, for all intents and purposes, doomed. Nietzsche’s views on women may not age the best, but this is one prospect that I think will last indefinitely.