Erin Mitchell | Student Life

Just like the average American student is horrified when he steps out in Parisian gardens and sees couples (GASP! The horror) holding hands or even (shudder) kissing each other, so Europeans are often left dumbfounded by the complexity of the American dating game. You’ve been seeing a girl for two or three months, but you still don’t know what your “status” is? Welcome to America, where commitment seems to be the third biggest fear of college students, right after getting overly drunk and doing a Native American dance naked around the Clocktower, and listening to a mainstream band. I think Mark Zuckerberg invented the “It’s Complicated” status strictly for American students. In Europe, it’s regarded as nothing more than a funny oddity.

It seems to me as if the basic relationship that is being promoted is the drunken hook-up at a frat party, your senses (and most importantly, your sense of judgment) numbed by the shots and cans of Miller Light that you ingested. And if, by chance, you actually fall for a girl you like, well, the fun has only just started, because things can NEVER be straightforward. I blame game theory. If you feel that there is actually something worth preserving from that first alcohol-induced encounter, then you need to respect completely stupid rules like not calling the other person first, or other, achingly imbecilic protocols. I get that it’s supposed to make the other person like you more because they’re constantly wondering why the other is not calling, but not only does it make the whole thing slightly shameful and twice as irritating, it’s also completely counterintuitive. The entire concept of dating in France revolves around you showing that you like the other person, not ignoring them. But in America, the infamous P.D.A.s (Public Displays of Affection) are proscribed, and couples even vaguely acknowledging the fact that they are indeed an item are held up to public contempt before being pilloried. Or that’s how it feels, anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand why students don’t want to be “In a Relationship” in college. But that’s because relationships in America are altogether too serious. You can be seeing someone and not planning for marriage. You can be in a relationship, and still not be “serious.”

Only in America could a girl dump you because your relationship is going too “well.”

As I’m writing this, I realize that I sound more bitter than Moammar Gadhafi after last Friday’s U.N. resolution. I’m sure that American girls find Europeans pushy for expressing themselves, and American men find European girls distant (for not grinding them once they’ve had a cocktail). Let me just say that the prospect of dating in America leaves me cold. There’s already too much bullshit to deal with in college life without adding another layer. Who ever thought there was a need to overcomplicate the most simple and natural of human relations?

Women are a beautiful creation. Woman have that great smell, those amazing physical features and of course, the ability to become great moms. Admit it, guys, we’d be nothing without our wonderful moms.

The problem lies not in the great attributes of a woman, but the difficult challenge of finding, catching and keeping one. We can’t club them over the heads and drag them back to the cave anymore. The good old days.

The difficult part of any relationship seems to be in the introduction. Guys, think about all the times you wished you asked the girl at the grocery store out but didn’t. You were afraid of rejection. It happens. The worst news, however, is when you find out that one of your bucket-head friends finally did. He’ll remind you of how great she is for the rest of your life. And ladies, think about all the times you complain to your girlfriends about being home alone on a Friday night, wondering if Mr. Right will ever ask you out.

So if it’s so hard to ask a girl out, why don’t women make it easier for us? I understand that girls hate cheesy lines, but maybe they should rethink our advances not as a sleazy attempt to get in their pants, but more as a way of showing just how funny we can be. Playboy said thatwomen love a sense humor. See, ladies? We do read it for the articles!

Let’s imagine for a moment that women liked outlandish pick-up lines. Just think, we as men could finally walk right up to that cute girl outside the bookstore and say, “Excuse me, but do you believe in love at first sight? (No.) Well then, maybe I should walk by again.” Come on ladies, you know that’s a good one. Even the thinking rabbit would like that line…shoot, he might try it on his lady rabbit friends himself.

There are all kinds of come-on lines guys could use to break the perennial ice. A few slick ones are: “Wanna have sex and pizza? (No.) What’s wrong? You don’t like pizza?”; “Hey, baby, you look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?”; “Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!”; “I was wondering if you had an extra heart. Mine seems to have been stolen”; “There isn’t a word in the dictionary for how good you look.” And then, there’s the worst one I actually overheard in a bar: “Hey, beautiful, are those pants made out of Windex? Because I can see me in them.”

Guys, lets be polite about this. If women really do decide to make it easier for us to get their attention, let’s not screw it up. For some reason, we’re notorious for that. And ladies, be patient with us; it’s not easy to figure out ways to ask you out. We mean well, kind of. But seriously, who doesn’t like pizza?

“Nope, he’s in a relationship.” And before her friends could disagree with her, she announced, “It’s on Facebook.”

End of argument.

If you took my Facebook page at face value, you’d think I was a lesbian who was in a long-term, emotionally complicated relationship.

While most of my friends and I mock Facebook norms, I’ve heard people who I highly esteem discuss their Facebook relationship status with anxiety. In a world that increasingly revolves around the Internet, people are starting to care much more about what they are posting online.

I’ve even heard people lecturing one another that their relationship doesn’t “count” if it isn’t on Facebook, and I’ve heard at least five horror stories of people who have opened their home page only to be bombarded with a relationship request from a recent date.

I think it’s safe to say that most of us laugh over these trivial discussions—they seem ridiculous. Or are they? If you’re dating someone, but their relationship status says that they’re single, is it okay to want them to change it? Or is it a bad idea to ask?

In college, when dating can almost always be summed up by “It’s Complicated,” what is Facebook dating etiquette exactly?

The main complaint I’ve heard is that it’s an invasion of privacy. Just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean you need to broadcast it to the world. So what exactly happened to privacy?

It died somewhere between people being able to upload photos and the creation of “FarmVille.” As a result, some maintain that you’re somehow “sticking it to the Man” by refusing to post your relationship on Facebook and admit to the world what’s going on in your love life.

I’m all about privacy when it comes to the Internet. But at the same time, if you have a Facebook page, people are going to look at it—and if you don’t want that, don’t have one. So if some girl from your orgo class sees that your status is “Single,” she won’t care that you’ve had the same girlfriend for five years when she sees you at a party a week later and puts the moves on you. As much as we all hate to admit it, what’s on Facebook sort of matters.

The best way to deal with this situation? The less said the better. You don’t need to post that you’re in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that you’re still single. For some, maybe the safest bet is to just not have any information up there, so no one can misinterpret it.

The Internet isn’t real life, as much as some people think it is, so don’t treat it that way. So let’s not rush to the “In a Relationship” status. Don’t forget, if it doesn’t work out, you’re going to have to take it down some day—and we all know what kind of drama that can cause.

As the theory of human evolution predicts, Homo sapiens have responded to the invention of cell phones by developing new mating rituals. Essentially, guys use text messaging to get girls. Or at least they try. (A note for the feminists out there: I would include the ladies in this analysis of sexual culture, but frankly, I know nothing about women. None of us guys do. To speak for you would be even more sexist; all I know are my own experiences. So please, think of this article as a guy’s perspective. Thank you. Whew.) Over time, anthropologists have deemed these electronic mating rituals text-message-induced (TMI) hookups.

For guys, texting is really great. It’s now easier to contact girls when you have a perpetual voice in their pocket. We don’t have to deal with the angst and self-doubt associated with talking face-to-face. It’s way easier to project all of your insecurities on a little metal device that will always respect you, will never make fun of you, and will be cool spending all day at your side. And finally, the pain of rejection isn’t as harsh when it’s a pixilated frown-y face breaking the news, as opposed to the palpable disgust on a (real! live!) woman’s face.

Early text-messagers had primitive methods; they would simply text, “what are you up to?” Even worse, some sent the dreaded open-ended-conversation text—the word “hey.” Today, TMI hookups have developed into a refined art. Potential mates are expected to be quick and witty with their text-game. We have all sorts of multimedia at our hands like pictures and videos. Why not snap a picture of a sunset and send it to the object of your affection with the caption, “God says whaddup ;-)”? Personally, I’m waiting for the day when I can send auto-tuned voice recordings to people. In our sophistication, we have even developed the “sext,” which has grown a cult following among politicians and athletes. In short, men use incredibly creative means to electronically court women. **I can only imagine the amount of high-level thought that goes into a text conversation between two homosexual men.**

And now the hard part. Okay. Here is where I come clean. Hi, I’m Alex, and I have taken TMI hookups too far. It’s borderline absurd. I will occasionally send nothing but a blank text, hoping to confuse a girl enough to begin a dialogue with me. I have sent girls complete non-sequiturs. I have sent random fragments from a fake conversation, intimating that I sent it to them by accident and hoping to stoke their interest. I have even taken the ironic, head-on approach, texting nothing but the words “Dirty Text” (I still think this one is absolutely brilliant). Recently, I have taken to sending choice Foreigner lyrics in all caps (“I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME”).

Call me nostalgic or call me a neoclassical revolutionary, but what happened to the romance? I cower in fear just thinking about how our parents’ generation did it, how they had to call another’s house, speak to parents and force awkward conversation—all for love. What happened to the adversity and suffering of courtship? To a certain extent, the nature of the process validates the final product; you always care more about the things you work the hardest for. These days, we just have to press a couple of keys and voila! Instant make-out (note: This is an idealized version of the author’s actual experience). It makes sense that our sexual culture has become desensitized and numb, for we aggressively use our cell phones and other media to cut social corners. Where’s the fun in that, anyway?

Here at Wash. U., we are creatures of convenience. Why ask someone out on a date when you see them at Whispers or Morgan Street or the frats? I’ll tell you why: because it’s more romantic. And romance is cooler. And in the end, legitimate, non-TMI conversations will beget more meaningful relationships between the sexes **(applies to all sexual orientations too)**. At Wash. U., we are inches from the Loop and feet from the Central West End. So here is my challenge to you, dear reader: find a girl (or guy) you like, and take them there. I promise it will be an absolute delight. And please let me know about it—I’ll be the guy sitting in my room with the lights off, Facebook stalking and sending blank texts.

I’d love to shed some light on the situation from the masculine perspective, or at least from my version of the masculine perspective.

Carly brings up a delightfully tricky situation in her description of a romantic endeavor with a young man that started spontaneously and went on briefly without an official label (whether posted on Facebook or verbalized); she says that after the initial hook-up and a few follow-ups, “I thought that simply not returning phone calls would probably get the message across.”

Yikes. Well, let me speak for the gentlemen callers when I say that we’ve all been in the situation and, no, as a matter of fact, not returning phone calls (or text messages, e-mails, Facebook messages, etc.) most likely did not clarify the situation for us.

The best example of this is the ever-ambiguous “I’m busy” from a girl whom I’m interested in. Without any other information, that word “busy” leaves me feeling uncertain. Is she “busy” the way that pre-meds are busy the night before a Chemistry exam, or is she so busy that she might never find time to spend with me? You (the girl) might think it’s obvious you’re not into him, but odds are 10-to-1 that your suitor is instead reading your last text to him and trying to interpret whether or not that abbreviated ellipsis (i.e. dot-dot “..” but not dot-dot-dot “…”) with which you ended the message implies anything. It’s painful and it has been so since the first guy who ever was interested ran into the first girl who ever may or may not have been busy.

I want to avoid drawing a line in the sand between us and the fairer sex, and give due credit to Carly. It’s true that guys pursue girls pretty persistently and it’s a lot to deal with; a lot of guys will pursue girls until they say the word “no.” Sometimes you might want to just ignore that text and you don’t know why “So-and-so” is so freakin’ into you. I’m certainly guilty of this; when my interest has been piqued, at times I have not backed down when there have been a few good reasons to do so. Why didn’t I back down? Because I wasn’t sure!

So what next? Well, let me speak once again for the guys and say that we would appreciate clear communication even if it’s not the best of news. No communication is no information, and, therefore, there is nothing to base decisions off of. When she’s “busy,” I’m in Limbo, checking my phone for texts.

Clear communication is pure relationship gold, whether you’re ready for serious commitment or you’re at the point in life when you still make the distinction between “have gone on dates with So-and-so” and “dating So-and-so.”

Let me suggest that clear communication will get you and your now ‘just-friends’ friend both (individually, in this case) to the place where you want to be faster and with less confusion. When he knows you’re totally not into him, he’ll be that much more motivated to go find his next true love (or next friend with benefits, or whatever) and leave you alone. And you’ll be free to do the same.

“She’s been going out with Rico every night for two weeks and talks to him on the phone all the time. I can’t remember the last time she showed that kind of interest in Mike…” She shook her head. “I’d rather have my boyfriend make out with someone when he was drunk than him spend hours every evening, spilling his heart out to a girl that wasn’t me.”

Technically, Sarah wasn’t doing anything wrong (or at least that’s what she maintained). She didn’t hook up with Rico, she just confided in him constantly and spent long hours at his place watching TV and drinking wine. But can we define cheating as just the physical stuff? And if not, where do we draw the line?

Can we say that even looking at another person is cheating? As much as we might not want to admit it (and we all hate being the jealous type), everyone has eyes, and even if the person you’re dating is madly in love with you, it’s only natural to notice someone’s alluring smile or ridiculous six-pack. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you and what you’ve got—it’s just the way we’re programmed.

Can we say that making out with someone at a bar is cheating? While I’ve heard debates on this one, I’m going to say that this should pretty solidly be considered cheating.

But what about the gray area that Sarah was playing in?

Putting my general dislike for Sarah aside, I tried to be impartial: How could I judge what was going on between her and “just a friend?” The only fair way that I found to create boundaries was to consider what would make me upset if I knew my boyfriend was doing the same thing. And when I thought of Ben having long, intimate conversations with some sexy coworker, I was far more upset than if he were to confess to drunkenly making out with some random chick at a bar.

Emotional cheating is not a myth. It’s very real, and it tends to be even more damaging to relationships than actual cheating—Sarah dumped Mike after her “non-cheating” one day turned into “cheating.” So where do we draw the line? Use your judgment, and always consider your partner. I’m not sure how Sarah and Rico are doing these days, but something tells me she’s not the only one he’s romancing. But hey, according to Sarah, that’s not cheating.

Girls, come on! Shouldn’t we be past the point of driving ourselves crazy over last night’s forgettable hookup? He loves me, he loves me not: Common sense tells us it must be one or the other, but when faced with the question after a steamy night (or meaningless walk home and short-lived kiss), excuses for his inaction are rampant. And then come the excuses for our excuses. If you’ve spent the last hour complaining that he hasn’t responded, then I must say, you’re probably not over him. And I’ll believe you actually think he’s a terrible guy when his profile page is no longer bookmarked on your laptop.

What happened to wearing the pants in our post-feminist-era relationships? For too long we’ve been called hysterical and possessive. Instead of moving on, the threat of rejection only makes some hold on tighter, clinging to both the uninterested guys and any last thread of hope. To all the singles, flirts and relationship junkies out there: the strong girls we admire—the ones with boys wrapped around their fingers—don’t have a secret. They just know when to say when.

So how do you take back control in a world where traditional “dating” is practically obsolete? My friends and I have made our fair share of mistakes, leaving me with a long list to choose from.

The top 10 (this list is by no means complete and is open to suggestions):

1. Take a hint. If he ignores you, flirts with another girl in front of you or has a busy week five weeks in a row…it’s over.

2. The more isn’t always the merrier. Hooking up with more than one guy does not make you a slut, but it doesn’t make you infallible either. There is no such thing as a sure thing, even when you have a backup plan.

3. If your friends don’t like him (for those of you who trust your friends), it’s time to get out.

4. If his friends don’t like you…this will only turn out badly.

5. It’s not a coincidence if he only texts you after midnight. Ever heard of a booty call?

6. If a guy likes a girl he doesn’t leave her on the dance floor to…
a. Stretch his legs.
b. Check on his friend.
c. Get a drink of water.

7. Your desperation does not count when considering his positive attributes (even if the only thing you can think of is that he’s nice).

8. If you ever think your expectations are too high, remind yourself that when a guy imagines his ideal girl he Googles a picture of Megan Fox.

9. If a guy tells you how much he loves your roommate, he’s not complimenting your excellent choice in friends.

10. His phone is never broken. Enough said.

Alissa is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. She can be reached via e-mail at arrotbla@artsci.wustl.edu.

I forget when exactly my boyfriend told me that his parents were visiting, but I do remember that we had only been dating for about a month, and although I responded enthusiastically, I was practically lacing up my running shoes (Julia Roberts-style). I prayed that his next sentence would be, “So I’m sorry if I’m not around a lot,” but instead I got what I should have expected: “Want to come out to dinner with us on Friday?” If his arm hadn’t been around my waist, I probably would have been off the couch before he finished the question. But since I was captive, I grinned and said, “Sure!”

When I told my roommate, she was ecstatic. She asked me why I was so nervous, and I exclaimed, “Because they’re his parents!”

We’ve seen it all—there are parents who keep you at arms length (because, after all, you are stealing their child away from them), and others who love you instantly and send you Facebook messages and texts. But no matter what experiences we’ve had or witnessed with our significant others’ parents, we have an inherent fear of meeting the people who raised our boyfriend or girlfriend. Why has everyone decided that “meeting the parents” is such a major event—it’s just being introduced to some new people, right?

Wrong.

Yes, our parents are those obnoxious characters who call us to ask about grades and bug us to book our flights home for Thanksgiving. But odds are that they have spent more time with you than any other person in the world. They know you better, they have dirt on you (including naked baby pictures) and they understand how you work, as much as you may hate to admit it. When a person is that big of a deal in your life, introducing the person whom you are seeing to them is a way of saying, “You are important enough to meet this person who made me who I am. You matter.” And deep down, all parties involved know this.

So maybe the fear isn’t just of meeting the parents. It’s the fear that comes along with realizing how much someone cares about you. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is willing to deal with that weekly phone call that will now incorporate the question, “So how are you and [your name here] doing?” Someone bringing you into their lives in such an intimate way, beyond the realm of dorm rooms and dates, means that they’re in it for the long haul.

As far as my “meeting the parents” episode, it went amazingly well; my boyfriend’s parents were welcoming, kind and tons of fun; we even went out again the next night. And honestly, things have only gotten better since then.

We’ll see how he does next weekend—did I mention my parents are coming in on Friday?

On one of my first visits to his room, I ended up sitting next to a pile of clean laundry that he was in the midst of folding (how much more perfect could he get?). But, as I looked around the room, something caught my eye and shocked me. “Oh, yeah,” he laughed, registering the surprise on my face.

“I’m a briefs guy.”

Unexpected? Yes. Could I handle a non-boxer man? Why not? At least, that’s what I thought until he moved the laundry pile, where I saw not just tighty-whities, but also pink briefs.

Yes, pink—not light red, not “I mixed them in with my darks”—a bright, bold salmon pink.

I kept my composure as he walked me home, and we made dinner plans. All I could think about, however, was, “Aren’t I supposed to be the one in the pink underwear?”

We like to think that we are open-minded—that when it comes to dating, we can hopefully get past major obstacles like religion, race and social status. But when it comes down to it, everyone has things they refuse to compromise on: fashion choices, political views, hobbies, etc. So we have to ask ourselves, are we really as open-minded as we think?

And it’s not just girls that have this issue—guys suffer too. When my best guy friend, a born and bred Boston boy, called to tell me about the incredible girl he recently met, I couldn’t have been more excited. When I asked about the girl one week later, however, I was shocked when he sighed, “She was a Yankees fan. It would have never worked out.”

So what do we do when we find Mr. or Ms. Right, only to find something terribly wrong? While at first I chastised my friend, I later realized that he had a point; he spent the better part of summer and fall watching Red Sox games. If the Yankees were outperforming the Sox, the relationship certainly would have suffered. Call it what you will, but the season’s stats really had an effect on the guy.

I guess that it all comes down to whether this “deal-breaker” is something that will constantly hurt your relationship. What’s the point of being in something that is a perpetual struggle? Chances are, though, the issue isn’t really that bad. Sometimes the notion of compromise is a painful one, but maybe they’re already compromising something for you. Perhaps your favorite sports team isn’t theirs, or those shoes that he thinks are so trendy are just ugly. If you want something to work, you’ve got to put in the effort and pick your battles!

As for Mr. Underwear and me, we dated for six months. Why? I realized that finding someone who would be happy watching YouTube clips with me in pajamas is more important than the occasional startling sight of my boyfriend’s pink underwear.

But if he’s wearing a thong, run for the hills.

Until next time,

The Love Guru

Personally, I have always made my own rules. I have always been a go-getter kind of gal. When I want something, I make sure that I exercise each of my mental, physical and social networks to obtain it. I used to apply this attitude to men. Guys were targets—objects to chase and (attempt to) seduce. If one ran away, I told myself that it wasn’t my fault for being aggressive—he was just too passive, and I would try again with someone else, this time in a more sassy and forceful manner.
But when I rented “He’s Just Not That Into You” this summer, I let Hollywood overrule my intuition by dictating my life in the romance department. The movie preached that if a guy had any bit of interest in you, he would do everything and anything in his power to make sure that you knew it. He would call you, he would ask you out, he would make the first move, and he would let you know that he wanted to date you.

At that point, it was as if someone threw a big fat punch and gave my “first-move” confidence a huge, gaping black eye. It was damaged. It was ugly. It was not going to heal for quite some time. So this was why I didn’t have a boyfriend? I didn’t want to be that girl.

For a while, I wouldn’t talk to guys at parties. I would wait until one approached me, and if he didn’t ask for my number within the first five minutes, I would walk away and tell myself that he just didn’t like me enough. I followed this rule rigidly and then pretty soon, I realized that I wasn’t meeting anyone. I wasn’t giving anyone a chance. I was afraid to go out, because if I made one false move, I wasn’t playing hard to get.

After conducting my own little experiment to get a boyfriend by barely approaching men at all, I have found that this end of the spectrum is also extreme.
For those of you gals that follow the “come hither or else…” belief religiously, I would like to pose a question to you. Are these general guidelines that we should follow, or is it silly to make rules for life? Is finding a partner about being strict, rigid and close-minded? Or is it about being open to exceptions and living life according to your own rules?

Maybe the movie’s concept is the ideal—don’t we all deserve to be chased? But that doesn’t mean there aren’t shy boys or guy friends who are afraid to initiate taking your friendship to the next level. That doesn’t mean there aren’t men who play games or think you may be too out of their league to ask you out.

Ladies, as the spectacular women that you are, you’re the stars of your own life movies—which means you are free to write the script however you darn well please.