An independent research lab funded entirely by Washington University alumni recently completed its inquiry into the finances of FurTEEN and other groups on campus, but mostly FurTEEN and really no other groups at all. While I know the findings shocked us all, could we have really been surprised?

I mean, we all know that embezzling is the simplest form of white-collar crime and that neon yellow was a color only embraced by douchiest of middle-school boys. They can’t even spell their own name right. The results may have shocked the University, but were any of us actually surprised that FurTEEN is run entirely by pre-frosh?

They have been among us, walking around, taking classes, mingling. We always thought that they seemed a bit younger, a bit more immature, but what reason did we have to suspect they weren’t students? We were always told that it was a junior honorary, and I guess we just assumed that meant juniors in college and not that the honorary was actually for kids.

Now, I am not opposed to having a group on campus run by prospective students. I personally feel that it gives them a leg up in the academic world and will allow them to teach the other freshmen once they have enrolled. But while embezzlement is an important skill, I feel like a pre-frosh honorary could accomplish so much more.

As we all know, for years this school has served as a massive front for Chancellor Marq Wrongton’s money laundering services. Alumni, having realized that there are not enough medical positions for their only somewhat adequate pre-med undergraduate degrees, turn to illegal activities instead. Wrongton, not wanting to undermine all of the credibility he has built, launders the money through the tulip fund and then bestows these alumni with an honorary degree with a sizeable monetary gift (e.g., Phyllis Schlafly).

We are at a University with the most sophisticated laundering scheme in the country—can we not teach pre-frosh anything more than embezzlement? I know we have to dumb it down a bit as most of these prospectives will be funneled into Greek life, but even Epsilon Alpha Sigma can rhyme at a second-grade level.

We as a dedicated group of students need to set a better example for our incoming students. With the new knowledge that FurTEEN is actually run by incompetent high-schoolers, we can stop making fun of them and start helping. Their efforts at secrecy were always seen as amateurish, but that was just because they were. They didn’t have our expertise stemming from everyone’s double major in the b-school or the training under the 99th-ranked math department in the country. We are the 14th-ranked university in this great nation; we are entitled to better crime with each new generation.

As we move forward, we need to spend more time cultivating the pre-frosh and their abilities. For example, we should acknowledge that they are people. We all know that they won’t wake up until we get up in the morning; why do we insist on torturing them and pretending we are asleep as well?

The foundation has been set. FurTEEN will survive and, with a few tweaks, will be better and “cleaner” than ever. Rubelmann Hall is coming down for two new buildings through which the money can be laundered. Soon, the tulips will always be in season.