Woods-Smith Center for Making Moral Decisions to open next spring

Bob Blagojevich | News Reporter

Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced Monday that the Woods-Smith Center for Making Moral Decisions will open on campus for the spring 2011 semester.

The Wash. U. campus has been devoid of moral fiber since the Center of Ethics and Human Values was shut down. The administration has noted a slew of unforeseen side effects of the closing.

Students have been running rampant around campus, taking part in all sorts of debauchery. Library late fees have gone up by 3,000 percent, and students have been throwing recyclable items in the bins marked “landfill.”

“Something has to be done. Wash. U. has never had disciplinary issues like this before,” Wrighton said in a statement to Student Life last month.

Wrighton’s wish was answered by America’s newest moral superstar: Tiger Woods. Last week the school received an endowment from Woods, to open the new ethics center. Woods’ sole condition was that the founding director of the center be former Missouri state Sen. and current prison-yard basketball star Jeff Smith.

Smith is currently serving out his sentence in jail after pleading guilty to two counts of conspiracy to obstruct justice during his 2004 electoral campaign. Smith, who used to teach at the University, resigned from the Missouri State Senate after pleading guilty.

The Center cannot open until Smith’s jail term is complete.

“I am excited for this opp. to contribute to the Wash. U. comm.,” Smith Tweeted from his jail cell. “I have tons to teach the students.”

Smith’s statement was broken into 140-character segments so he could fit it onto his Twitter page.

“I have much to share based on my personal experiences. I could totes teach the SU candidates to run a bomb campaign next year,” Smith Tweeted.

Smith would not comment on his partnership with Woods, but during the news conference the former senator tightly clenched his petite, brunette girlfriend.

A recently published poll showed that 97 percent of Wash. U. students approve of the Center.

“This is sweet. I idolize Tiger Woods. If he ever comes to campus, do you think he can teach me to pick up chicks?” said Freshman Bobby Delvecchio.

“Oh my! Tiger is such a hottie. If I go to the center, maybe he’ll take me out to dinner,” junior Cherri McAdams said.

McAdams’ dreams just might come true:

“I would be happy to teach women of all ages the finer points of morality,” said Woods in an official statement, “Maybe they can teach me something in return.”

KEY PLAYERS

A lot has transpired in my life. A lot of ugly things have happened. Things that…I’ve done some pretty bad things in my life. And uh, all came to a head. But now, after treatment…I’m getting back to my old roots.

Tiger Woods

Please don’t let my mistakes sour you on active civic involvement. There are no perfect people…but I hope you’ll find a candidate or a cause in which you believe and fight for it with the same zeal you fought for me.

Jeff Smith