Sorority pledge doesn’t love Mommy

Boney McFingers | Fratty Light Reporter

Although most pledges of the Mu Omicron Mu (MOM) sorority post Facebook status updates about how much they love their mommies, freshman pledge Mallory Blakely is fed up with the attention that her pledge mommy has given her.

“She is like the biggest stalker ever!” Blakely said. “She like knows my class schedule and where I live. Just yesterday, this guy I know in my class gave me a box of chocolates from mommy. How does she like know who I have class with?”

Blakely was especially disturbed by the gift basket that her mommy left outside her room yesterday.

“I came back at like 2:30 yesterday,” Blakely said. “All of my suitemates were gone after like 10 a.m. and none of them saw anything outside my door when they left. The door was like totally closed, so there’s no way she could have gotten in. And her gifts were awful! I do not need more shampoo.”

“Maybe she got in with a coat hanger,” Blakely wondered. “If so, that is like so creepy.”

Blakely appears to be the only MOM pledge that doesn’t totally love her mommy. Fellow pledge Blair Helmsley has posted 10 statuses in the last three days about how much she loves her mommy.

“I like can’t stand her!” Blakely said, when asked about Helmsley. “She’s like so annoying and can’t see how weird this whole system is. I mean, I get it. You love your mommy, and you don’t find it weird that she knows every detail about your life.”

Blakely acknowledged that she wants to know who her mommy is, because “restraining orders cannot be filed against anonymous people. That’s like really the only reason I want to know who she is,” Blakely said. “For all I know, she can have a past history of stalking.”

As of five minutes ago, Blakely’s mommy’s Facebook status read, “I love my baby girl!!!! Can’t wait for reveal!!!!!!!!”