Heroin addiction sweeps campus
According to the most recent statistics from Wash. U.’s largest entity, the Drug Research and Experimental Use Group, heroin addiction among students has skyrocketed to 90 percent. When asked to comment on the recent phenomenon, Chancellor Wrighton could only say, “Dude, I’m not surprised, this s— is PURE.”
The recent influx of the drug has been attributed to a new cartel formed under the name Greek Life. After a recent screening of “American Gangster,” the powers that be in the Greek Life Office decided that the only efficient way to make up for the money lost by empty beds was to have all Greeks get involved in slinging heroin. The makeup of the operation is actually quite efficient. Thirty-three percent of students travel to and from Asia on a biweekly basis collecting the poppy seeds. Another third have been chained to a large table in the chemistry lab turning the seeds into actual heroin, while the last third deal to the rest of campus. The cartel sports a strict “do not use the product” approach to the business, but recent sightings of dealers nodding off in front of Olin Library have inspired doubts in head cartel members.
Reactions from students across campus are mixed. One student who asked not to be named said, “I thought the party scene was way more poppin’ when everyone was on meth and crack…things have started to mellow out more. I’m not sure if I like it.” The student then proceeded to nervously scratch his neck. “Things are great around here; the premeds have finally chilled out,” one female student said while prepping a needle.
The use of the drug is so widespread that students have started using it in public. The problem has gotten so bad that the board of trustees voted to turn Mallinckrodt into a methadone clinic. The plans to return the Rathskeller to its previous use as an on-campus bar have been put on hold.
The precipitous and very public increase in heroin use on campus has certainly had its consequences. Washington University in St. Louis plummeted in the most recent U.S. News and World Report rankings from number 12 all the way into the fourth tier, with a ranking of N/A. Consequently, the percentage of Asian students attending the University fell to less than 1 percent. Olin Library has shut down as a functioning entity, and the study rooms on the second floor have been turned into squatters’ dens. Bon Appétit has been forced to bring bananas back on campus, as they are the only thing soft enough for the addicts to eat. The bookstore, criticized as an enabler, has ordered 4,000 new, clean syringes and a surplus of rubber ties.
The prospect for future improvement is not looking good. According to Police Chief Don Strom, “The Greek Life cartel is just too strong. Their strong ties to MS-13 have made any intervention nearly impossible.” Morgan DeBaun, future Student Union president, was not available for comment. Rumors have been circulating that she jumped ship earlier this week. While we cannot predict the future, a source in the Greek Life cartel has told us that a new shipment will be coming in tomorrow. Enjoy, addicts.
Junky is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.