Go Green!

Washington University has made many strides in reducing its carbon footprint and promoting a sustainable lifestyle. However, there is still much room for improvement. To that end, here are StudLife’s suggestions for increasing the sustainability of Wash. U.’s campus:

  • All pre-meds must submit to full genome mapping; all those judged unlikely to make Chief of Medicine by the age of 40 are processed and served in the DUC’s ‘vegetarian’ meatloaf.
  • Introduce laundry rationing. People need to go to ResLife to get their laundry cards. You can do a load a month. Huge black market to conserve water may emerge.
  • Replace computers with mechanical typewriters to save electricity.
  • Mandatory rolling blackouts from 12-8 p.m. with no power anywhere on campus. Especially in dorms and places where people can study.
  • Stop selling meat in campus eateries, to reduce carbon footprint. Convert to an ultra-recyclo vegetarian diet for everyone (no dairy, meat or starch
  • No more food altogether. Say it with me: Algal beds. 2,000 g/m²/yr of biomass? Shut up.
  • Replace electronic campus cards with thick cardboard punch cards.
  • Build a farm on campus, either in the quad or outside of Olin Library, for food. Picture cows or sheep grazing there.
  • Convert trash and recycling bins into one big compost pile—right in the middle of the DUC.
  • Get rid of elevators. Waste of electricity—cripples can take the stairs.
  • Replace the arcade machine and TVs in the funroom with rock ’em sock ’em robots and View-Masters, respectively.
  • Replace campus circulator with a camel. They eat infrequently and don’t need much water.
  • Replace all majors with philosophy. All they need is a patch of grass to sit on and think.
  • Schedule all computers on campus to shut down after one minute of inactivity.
  • Instead of police Segways, give them pogo sticks.
  • Ban toilet paper to cut down on paper consumption.
  • Try feeding your child slave every other week.
  • Have TKE loan out its sex robots to other frats for alcohol-free parties.
  • Spring W.I.L.D.: “An acoustic evenin’ with Ke$ha”.
  • Reduce energy using the Pareto principle. Eighty percent of the effects come from 20 percent of the causes. Eighty percent of our food intake comes from the fattest 20 percent. Kill the 20.
  • Allow the Bergson Café to increase the urine levels in the smoothies.
  • Invite the campus libertarians to participate in a “green Gulag.”
  • Print Student Life on a recycled ShamWow.
  • Instead of free planners, incoming freshmen are given free Snuggies.
  • Ban showers and install bathtubs whose water is changed once a week to conserve water.
  • Remove all bathrooms on campus. Don’t worry, Aramark will be digging holes around campus shortly.
  • Tear down Seigle Hall, and hell, why not the rest of main campus, and extend the Burning Kumquat.
  • Recycle Mallinckrodt.
  • Student-pulled rickshaws from the South 40 to main campus.
  • Move the University to the moon.
  • Lines in the DUC are no longer a problem—all edible food has been replaced with wheatgrass shots. Consequently, none of the seats are needed. Lines for the holes across campus have increased tenfold instead.
  • Rotate which dorms get water on a shifting cycle: 5 minutes per shower, per dorm.
  • Allow only cars that are powered by kryptonite on campus.