Baseball: McGwire joins WUSTL baseball coaching staff

Charlie “Kung Fu” Hustle | Baseball/Cheating Expert

While controversial slugger Mark McGwire has already signed a hefty contract to be the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach, he recently decided to take up another coaching job in his spare time: being a member of the Washington University baseball team’s coaching staff.

“I owe this city so much, the least I could do was lend my skills to the community,” McGwire said. “I thought to myself, ‘what better way to help out than to teach local youth teams my secrets to hitting?’”

The 46-year-old record breaker signed a three-year, $10 million contract with the school last Wednesday. Results of Big Mac’s instructing have been dramatic.

“Each of our players has put on anywhere from 35 to 50 pounds of muscle. It’s astounding, in such a short period of time,” head coach Ric Lessmann said. “They’ve been hitting homeruns left and right. [McGwire] really knows his stuff.”

In Monday’s matchup against Westminster College, the Bears won 34-5. All nine batters went yard in the game, while cleanup hitter Nick Vom Broce capped the victory with a 730-foot grand slam.

“When I made contact with the ball, I didn’t think it had any chance of going out. It felt like I barely put any swing in, but the thing just kept on carrying. I can’t quite explain it.” Vom Broce said.

With the team’s newfound power, rumors have been circulating around campus about McGwire and his coaching techniques.

“I’m not here to talk about the past,” McGwire said. “I just want to teach these kids how to succeed in baseball, how to work hard, and play ethically. You don’t hit 70 home runs in one season by slacking off or cheating.”

Meanwhile, the Bears continue to power through their season. Baseballs have been reported reaching as far as Delmar Boulevard during home games and batting practice.

  • Jeff

    just what Nick von “Bruce” needs, more ego stroking.

  • usuck

    and you suck