We’re up all night to get lucky
Our stupid sexy playlist
Music to set the mood has been a part of the sexual experience ever since Roman senators first started hiring personal musicians to play while they would do the nasty (probably). Sex and music are entwined together like the legs of two lovers. It is so ingrained into music that every other song seems to be about baking the potato. The road goes both ways, of course, as a large part of the phutzing culture is the music played while two people slap and tickle. Everyone always need recommendations for the best music to nut in the gut to, so without further ado, Student Life presents our stupid sexy playlist.
First of all, what pants off, dance-off playlist would be complete without an appearance from Lana Del Rey? Although a large part of her music seems to be about her shtupping older men, shtupping is nonetheless shtupping. Her music is not just sexual—it’s sensual. Lana’s songs can put you in the mood without the crass style that a lot of other mollucking songs end up at. I’m not saying that Lana is a romantic or anything, but her songs do tend to have a little more substance to them than “We’re gonna ken bone.” That being said, there does tend to be a lot of mingling limbs in her music; I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to “Paradise,” but there’s no escaping the poorly veiled sexual innuendo that is that entire album, to the point where it’s almost uncomfortable. Lana has enough passion to set the mood but just enough sensuality to keep it classy.
There is nobody better to follow Lana on this playlist than the one and only Frank Ocean—well, maybe Marvin Gaye, but that’s beside the point. Ocean’s smooth voice in songs like “Pink + White”and “Ivy” create a smooth, sweet environment in which to do the four-legged Foxtrot. Ocean brings a level of calm sexuality to the playlist. His music ranges quite a bit, and he can bring the mood in the room up and down as needed. Ocean creates an honestly beautiful ambience and provides a short retreat from Lana’s style.
After the calmness of Ocean, put on The Weeknd to bring things back up. Songs from The Weeknd’s “Beauty Behind the Madness” are enough to bring the energy back into exploring the chronicles of punarnia. Songs like “Can’t Feel My Face” and “The Hills” have the dirty, sexy je ne sais quoi needed to turn a soft session of dancing the goat’s jig back into whatever you would actually imagine when you hear the phrase dancing the goat’s jig. You also have the selection from “Starboy” if you want to go that route, but do so at your own discretion.
After bringing things back up with The Weeknd, turn the dial up to 11 with the aggressive sexuality of the music of the one and only R. Kelly. R. Kelly, while a human trash can, does make some crazy sexy music. Every song of his seems to be about him dipping the crane in the oil well, and it sets a mood—maybe not a good mood, but that’s all relative. R. Kelly is all sex, all the time, and no playlist dedicated to bringing an al dente noodle to the spaghetti house would be complete without his urine-soaked appearance.
If you want to keep the dial at 11, I suggest nothing less than the booming voice of Elle King. King’s rich voice, along with her wildly sexual music, is enough to keep the mood of the room elevated. King, while maybe not the same kind of sexual as R. Kelly, has her own way of bringing about boppin’ squiddles. In “Ex’s and Oh’s” she brags about her sexual history, in “Under The Influence” she goes on to sing about jamming the clam so well it becomes addictive and her cover of ‘My Neck, My Back’ cannot even be described in written word. King sets a wild sexually charged mood that can only be achieved by a few other artists.
One of those few artists that can achieve the same level of overt sexuality is Tove Lo. This Swedish musician rivals King for both feminine power and reputation for plonking. Tove Lo’s music tends to be more energetic than Elle King’s and so adds more energy to your own act of shaboinking. Tove Lo has gotten a well-earned reputation for making snu-snu music; she has a physically wild and active element to her music that makes it just right to put on this playlist.
If you’re looking for a more romantic song, check out some Katy Perry. “Teenage Dream” has been described as the purest love song of our generation. While I’m not sure how I feel about that, I can’t say I entirely disagree. Her other songs, such as “E.T.” and “Dark Horse,” carry with them a more sexually charged tone and wild feel. Perry’s music can add an exciting element into your pole-varnishing.
Now after all that excitement, you may be starting to wind down. The music of the Arctic Monkeys brings things down a peg or two, while still maintaining a sexual environment. The band provides a needed cool down after the past few wildly sexual artists, while still not bringing things all the way down to boring. A great way to begin the conclusion of the process of corking the onion is the Arctic Monkeys, who keep up the sensual feel of your night, or afternoon delight, while slowing things down.
Now last, but certainly not least, is the music of John Williams, specifically the Cantina theme from Star Wars. The Cantina theme can be successfully inserted anywhere in this playlist to provide more of that wild bumpy feel while you fill the cream donut. The horns and steel drums make the song one that not only helps the furgling process but that is necessary for it. A wild night of organ grinding is in the stars for anyone courageous enough to follow this advice.
With these artists and Student Life’s very unofficial stamp of approval, there’s no way that you can go wrong when knocking boots with your significant other. Have fun, be safe, use protection—just not on your ears.
Can you find all the sexual innuendos? Send what you think is the correct number of euphemisms to [email protected], and you’ll win a super sexy prize.