A Wash. U. student’s guide to pick-up lines for every situation

| Contributing Writer

Congratulations, you’ve made it to college! By now, you’ve probably immersed yourself in academics, extracurricular activities, friends, and, of course, romantic interests. Many undergraduates, however, find themselves frustratingly incapable of succeeding in the latter of these pursuits. How can I possibly attract the attention of the gorgeous girl in the third row of my General Chemistry lecture? How do I get the rather muscular man sprawled out in the Danforth University Center Fun Room to notice me?

Well, dear reader, the solution is a simple one, tried and tested by generations of hormonally driven 18-22 year olds: use pickup lines! Here, courtesy of Student Life, is your definitive guide on how to deploy these handy little pieces of sexual innuendo with deadly efficiency, turning a romantic interest into a romantic partner at will.

How can I get the cute girl in my chemistry lecture to go on a date with me?

As fascinating as (insert chemistry professor’s name here)’s lectures are, they are no match for teenage libido. Although enthralled by the details of chemical compounds, almost any undergraduate will eventually allow their eyes to wander, and their eyes will eventually come to rest on one of their peers. So, how to approach this? The key is to not seem to overeager. One must master the art of slowly putting one’s things away, meanwhile inauspiciously checking to see if the object of desire is close to leaving the classroom. When she does, you must exit at the same time, sweep up beside her, and confidently demonstrate why you are boyfriend material. The first rule of pickup lines is that they have to be good.

Don’t go there: “I think we really have a lot of chemistry together.”

In order to woo the women of Washington University, nuance is required; something that says “I know you’re an intelligent woman who comprehends the majority of concepts covered in this class, and I find that downright sexy.” Periodic table puns are golden classics.

“Are you made of copper, because I Cu in a relationship with me.”

“Girl you must be made of Florine, Iodine, and Neon, because you are FINe.”

However, this is a top-15 university, and many refined women here may be unimpressed. They demand more. The sure-fire winner is something sophisticated and just dirty enough to let her know you mean business, with a little more pizzazz.

“You must be auxin, because you’re causing me to have rapid stem elongation.”

Employ this doozy and watch the women swoon before you.

How can I get the guy down the hall in my dorm to take an interest in me as more than a friend?

The key to any effective pickup line is its personal touch. You need to appeal more directly to his interests and specific desires. Could you give me some more information about him?

Well, he really likes Pokemon…Does that help?

Does that help? Evidently, I’m going to have to slow this down for you. That makes the entire process so simple. The wealth of Pokemon pickup lines is almost embarrassing—but also quite poetic.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, if you were a Pokemon, I’d choose you.”

“I think I need a Paralyz Heal, because you’re completely stunning.”

But sometimes a more direct approach is the way to go.

“I want to ride you like a Horsea.”

This is not to mention the vast wealth of Beedrill, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff lines which are also readily available. You couldn’t have gotten a better opportunity if you tried.

Great! He also really likes Adam Sandler movies. Any advice there?

Yeah! Walk right up to him, lean in closely and whisper in his ear, “You have horrible taste in movies.” Then turn back around and walk away. Absolutely no sexual encounter is worth more than an hour and a half spent watching “Grown Ups 2.”

OK…that was kind of rude, but what if I know absolutely nothing about the person?

Well, if anything, you know that the apple of your eye attends Wash. U., so use that to your advantage. Think of the different buildings on campus. For example, Bear’s Den provides a plethora of possibilities, as do Park House and the two Cupples.

“Did you lose part of you half and half? Because I think I’m it.”

“You don’t live in Park? Good thing you can Park yourself in my life instead.”

“Speaking of Cupples, we’d be a great one.”

A word of warning, however: don’t use Busch. Just don’t do it.

Understanding all of this, you are prepared to woo any classmate, floor-mate, or random attractive person on campus. So go forth, dear reader, and use this information well. May you find success in your endeavours.