How to find love with chemistry

| Staff Columnist

So, you somehow managed to land a girlfriend or boyfriend at WashU. This is a real person mind you, dating your textbook is not an option no matter how much it keeps you up at night. But, you have spent the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day studying for a Biology, Psychology, or Calculus test, and you just put together that your Chemistry test is on Valentine’s Day…at dinner time. Your plans are now ruined and you might have to actually come up with something original to show your significant other something other than that you can count significant figures. Or, alas, Cupid’s arrows may not have pieced some of you yet. Do not fret, we are here to run the reaction both ways.

Let’s tackle the easy one first. How to get some on Valentine’s Day while you are hurriedly scratching away at acid/ base equilibrium, recovering from the Linguistics test, or studying some more. During the walk to your first class or while on campus in general, do some surveillance. Once you have decided on that lucky someone, or located the person you have been crushing on for awhile, casually sit next to them. Strike up conversation, and (in the least socially awkward way possible), get them to come exercise with you. Yes that’s right, get all sweaty together. This has two advantages: one, show them how great your muscle tone is, (it’s always a turn on) and two, the chemicals in your brain that are released during sex are mirrored by other activities that cause a similar release of adrenaline. (For the real adventurer, or those without a six-pack, a roller coaster can produce the same effect.)

Now that the ball is rolling, suggest a bite to eat. Here you can buy your date some long noodle spaghetti, and have a Lady and the Tramp moment. Finally, bid them a heartfelt farewell as you go off to your test. Now, here in lies the key procedure in this experiment; you will be have to calculate the amount of time that you have to take the test, keeping in mind that absence makes the heart grow fonder and too much time makes it bored. After the test is over, return confidently to your potential date…they will probably be waiting at the underpass for you because your moves through out the day have made you more electronegative than fluorine and they are ready to form a covalent bond with you.

Now, if you are already covalently bonded, the sequence begins a little later in the game. Begin their day with some surprises, take cues from the recent Big/Little week the sororities are doing. Send them a nice Valentine’s Day card, but, if you buy one early, do not lose it! It could result in an embarrassing trip back to Walgreens, and by that time, all the good ones with puppies and kittens could be taken and you will be stuck with the bad puns.

Now, everyone says do something unique on Valentine’s Day, but really, you just have to do something memorable. This could range from sending the Sterotypes to sing to them, falling on your face as you slow motion run to them with a box of chocolates, or buying them roses and then accidently setting them on fire in the pit by the DUC. You may feel you do not have the time or brain space to come up with such a unique treat. Instead, use this formula to show them that you really care: you+them+potato=love. Potatoes, conveniently sold at your local Paws and Go, are good for a number of reasons…First, they never die; when a potato begins to rot, it grows a new sprout and makes a new plant from base of the old one. Two, starch is one of the foods that makes you happy when you eat it. (It’s called comfort food for a reason!) Three, you can make an alarm clock out of it to showcase your Chemistry skills to justify all that time away from them you spent studying. Four, it says I love you no matter how you look on the outside. A full, uncooked potato sends all the right messages to your sweetheart; a order of cut and fried ones, however, tells that that you wish that your love would burn in hot oil.

Factoring at least 6 hours of sleeping, 4 of class, 1 of travel time, and the remainder of hours studying for the big Chemistry test on Valentine’s Day, there is still plenty of time left for love making. Just remember, whether you are getting the date or keeping it, the final list of grocery items for the perfect Valentine’s Day: a potato, a roller coaster, a calculator, a set of work out clothes, and surplus chemistry pick up lines.