op-ed Submission | Sex Issue
It’s on us to get consent
In reading through this issue, you’ve likely come across a host of compelling survey numbers. Separate from any survey results, the number that stands out to me most in the conversation about consent is one—as in the one moment it takes to ask for consent. Because this piece is about consent, it’s helpful for us to start with a definition of the term. Our Wash. U. code of conduct states:
“Conduct will be considered ‘without consent’: if no clear consent, verbal or non-verbal, is given; if inflicted through force, threat of force, or coercion; or if inflicted upon a person who is unconscious or who otherwise would appear to a reasonable observer to be without the mental or physical capacity to consent. For example, sexual contact with a person who would appear to a reasonable observer to be impaired in the exercise of his or her judgment by alcohol or other drugs may be considered ‘without consent.’ Consent should not be inferred from the absence of a ‘no.’”
While asking for consent only takes one moment, to some that moment may feel like an awkward forever. What’s that about? Turn on the TV, listen to the radio or go to the movies, and you’ll quickly find out what it’s about. From an early age we are inundated with messaging and imagery about what sex should look like. We’re taught that going back to a person’s bedroom means they want to have sex, and that sex just happens—clothes magically come off without the awkward battle of removing a pant leg or shirt, condoms are never use and words don’t get exchanged.
Society hands us a script telling us what intimacy should look like. And rarely, if ever, does that script put consent and sex in the same act. With this script as our primary provider of sex education, we enter the intimate scenes of real life not having received good messages and examples of consent—which can make that critical one moment it takes to ask for consent feel daunting.
While pop culture gives us an influential and problematic script, it’s not pop culture’s fault when we don’t seek consent. It’s on us as individuals to take that one moment to seek clear and enthusiastic consent; we as individuals have the power to flip the script on the media’s norms.
And when you flip the script, everyone wins—always. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t value being respected and cared for. At its core, consent is about showing care and respect to the person you’d like to be intimate with. Showing this care and respect to an intimate partner doesn’t make an interaction awkward—it enhances the affection and sensuality that can make intimacy so great. Also keep in mind that if someone already is interested in being intimate with you, asking for consent isn’t going to change that for them.
Also, consent shouldn’t just be reserved for sex. It’s necessary for all forms of intimacy. And just because, for example, someone has consented to making out and taking off clothing, that doesn’t mean they’ve consented to anything beyond that. If you were driving down a street of four stop lights and you got three green lights followed by a red, you wouldn’t run the red just because the first three were green. Consent and intimacy are similar—“yes” to one thing doesn’t mean “yes” to all things. Whether it’s a one-time fling or serious relationship, it’s always on us to take that one moment to ask for consent.
I understand that it can be one thing to realize how important consent is—and another thing to confront any nervousness you have and actually ask for consent (thanks again to our popular culture that leaves us void of good examples to draw from!). Well, it’s really not too difficult. There are many ways to ask for consent. If you’re at all stuck, this script can get you started:
- “Can I ________?/Can we _______?/Could you ______?”
- “Would you like to __________?”
- “I’d really like to ________ with you but want to make sure you’re comfortable with that”
- If you’d use a condom for something you could say: “Should we get a condom?”
Consent isn’t part of the script we’ve been handed, but it can—and needs to—be part of the script we write for others and ourselves. Many people say consent is sexy, and it is. More than that, though, it’s completely necessary. Asking for consent can be the difference between someone feeling respected and someone getting deeply hurt. We all can make a profound and positive difference in the lives of others if we just ask. So let’s take that one moment. It’s on us.