Sex! Love! Ryan Gosling! A wish list
It’s Valentine’s Day, which means everyone on campus is either sexiling his/her roommate or pulling a Manti T’eo. There are a few things I’d like to see happen with sex, love and relationships this year, some of them realistic, some of them mere fantasies. A girl can dream, though, can’t she?
1. The incoming freshman class at Wash. U. actually gets something out of “The Date.” Everyone, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation and skirt-length preference feels safe on campus.
2. Pope hope: for reasons that may or may not be obvious, the new pope is probably going to be an old man who thinks sex should be restricted to marriage. The Catholic Church doesn’t really have a history of being sex-positive. But maybe he’ll fix all this anti-condom nonsense and embrace same-sex marriage. And maybe he and a couple of sex-positive unicorns will come drop acid with me on my birthday.
3. Everyone quits using the term “friendzone.” First of all, “friendzone” sounds like an abandoned warehouse. Why can’t we call it the “friendship sandbox of fun” or something like that? Second of all, what’s wrong with being friends if you genuinely care about the other person?
4. To follow the above: all of the “nice guys” get together and have a mass fedora burning, then start respecting the people they claim to be into. Of course, then we won’t have a convenient visual marker for “whiny dudes who suck,” but they usually give themselves away. I’m not sure what “nice girls” wear (pinstripe barrettes?), but there has to be a female equivalent.
5. The idea that women only like a–holes is eradicated.
6. The parents at that L.A. school apologize to Sasha Grey for porn-shaming her when she read to their children (fully clothed). Too little, too late but it would be a nice gesture.
7. Quit slut-shaming, kink-shaming, orientation-shaming and virgin-shaming. Call people out for being jerks to each other, not for doinking (or not doinking).
8. Free birth control for everyone! Safe and legal abortions! Woot!
9. Supreme Court-themed porn. The only government-themed porn I’ve ever heard of is “Nailin’ Palin,” and the genre definitely needs representation from the judicial branch in the interest of checks and balances. Also, I’d never object to Chief Justice John Roberts showing us his briefs….aw yeah. But in all seriousness, I want to know that I can be an intellectual without sacrificing my sexuality and vice versa.
10. Ryan Gosling looks me in the eyes and tells me, “hey girl, I like your thighs.” Everyone has body issues, but I’m pretty sure that Ryan Gosling’s soulful gaze could cure mine. And then we kiss, as the waves crash gently on the beach. Or it freaking blizzards. You can never tell with St. Louis weather.
11. No one ever, ever follows the sex and relationship advice from Cosmopolitan (or Men’s Health) ever again.
12. No one is ever sexiled again. There’s no excuse for not pre-negotiating a sexy fun timeslot. Plus, that Febreze doesn’t fool anyone.
13. Being able to use the word “f—“ in the newspaper. AP style needs to quit being so prudish.