Student Life | The independent newspaper of Washington University in St. Louis since 1878

What does your sexuality say about you?

1) Where do most of your hookups happen?
a. In front of my laptop
b. Zeta Beta Tau laundry room
c. After marriage
d. Against the bunny statue

2) What do you want in a sexual partner?
a. At least five fingers
b. A pulse, but it’s not a deal breaker
c. A sweet personality
d. Me

3) How would you describe yourself?
a. Asymmetrically muscular
b. Eh
c. Loyal and loveable
d. Very, very flexible

4) What’s your go-to pickup?
a. A bottle of lotion
b. Ay gurrrrl
c. Do you like Chaucer?
d. DTF?

5) What would you most like to receive for Valentine’s Day?
a. Porn Hub Premium
b. Bitcoins
c. True love!
d. A submissive 45-year-old otherkin who loves being sat on

6) What do most of your sexual fantasies involve?
a. Sasha Grey
b. Mary Jane Watson licking cheese sauce off my Spider-Man mask
c. Abstinence
d. What don’t they involve?

7) What’s your favorite game?
a. Tetris
b. The Great American Challenge
c. Monopoly
d. Castration

8) What is your favorite position?
a. Reclined
b. Doggy Style
c. Missionary
d. Charizard (look it up on Urban Dictionary)

Mostly “A”s: The Introvert
Really, though—you like people. Especially when they’re moaning on your dimly lit computer screen after your roommate goes to bed. You are strong, independent, and don’t need anybody else but yourself and a bottle of lotion to satisfy your primal needs.

Mostly “B”s: The Mysterious One
You wear shades in the middle of winter because you’re just that cool. Your diet consists of Mozzarella sticks and liquid queso, but you somehow manage never to gain any weight. Your metabolism must be really, really fast.

Mostly “C”s: The Virgin
You’re probably a freshman majoring in either classics or English. You secretly love the dirty parts of Plato’s “Symposium,” which is every part.

Mostly “D”s: The Adventurer
You don’t hold anything back. You’re an inexplicably likeable creep who “experiments” a lot. You’re probably a chemistry major. Also, stop keeping everybody up past quiet hours—maybe try a ball gag next time?

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Student Life | The independent newspaper of Washington University in St. Louis since 1878