Jeepers creepers: How to lose a guy in 10 ways

| Senior Scene Editor

It’s a common occurrence. There’s a person(an inebriated, aggressive being) foolheartedly pawing at you or someone else, in a club, in a basement, at a bar, in a dorm—and you need them to stop. You need to “lose” them, so to speak. Like a high speed—high stakes—car chase. You’re just not into them; they’re a stranger, and they freak you out, or they’re preying on someone who obviously doesn’t want it to be happening or is too inebriated to consent with the activity occurring. Here’s a guide on how to get them off your—or someone else’s—tail.
Fake a friend

They’re dancing on you, up close and in your face, their onion breath proudly on display. What do you do? Where do you go? You make eye contact with someone, anyone (hopefully not another creep), and you madly, excitedly grab them and pretend you haven’t seen each other in AGES. Hopefully, this person understands your crazy eyes and takes the hint. Or, be that person for someone else. Greet them like an old pal, then whisper in their ear, “Do you want me to get you away from them?”—and if they can’t answer, then the answer is abso-freakin’-lutely.

Screen Shot 2018-01-29 at 1.08.24 AMGraphic by Josh Zucker

Create a diversion

Turn off the lights, and then, disappear into the night. Purposefully chuck your drink, ask them to get you a new one and run. If you feel as though you’re in severe physical danger, pull the fire alarm—when you explain the situation, people should understand. Go up to the person who seems to need help and “accidentally” spill your drink on the hunter, giving the individual time to make a quick exit.

Retreat to use the facilities

Make a quick bathroom run. Say you have a dying need to poop. Like, explicitly describe the giant deuce you need to drop. Make it clear that they are not invited—and give them every reason not to try and follow you in. If you see someone else following another person into a bathroom to corner them, maybe check in and see if things are a-OK. From that vantage point, lock the bathroom stall, get your phone and plan your getaway. Call a friend (or call an Uber) and ride.

Get sick

Nothing screams “don’t try to make out with me” like the potential (or reality) of vomit. I’m not saying you have to vomit, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Even if you just fake a nauseous moment, you might seem gross enough for them to leave you alone.

Hit that blue light

This may seem extreme, but you’d be surprised to learn how many times I’ve thought of doing this. If they’re following you home, you’re on campus and you’re isolated, make a run for it. Go to that emergency blue light and smash it. Then, smash the next one, the next one and the one after that to make sure the Washington University Police Department comes and helps you. Keep moving, because if this person is as scary as they seem, you don’t want to be too close. That’s what those blue lights are for. Use them.

Strategic dancing

Everyone knows elevated surfaces are the most fun to dance on. Elevated surfaces are also the only places where you alone can fit. Leave that person behind below you, and get to a vantage point where you can search for a savior, or have the breadth of space to use your cell phone to call one.

Imaginary partner

Grab someone kind looking (or someone you know) and pretend to be dating. Hopefully, that person will give off the “don’t mess with my person” vibe, and the aggressor will back the heck off.

Strength in numbers

If you can guide the interaction toward the people you came with, there’s a good chance you can get someone to notice, and you can nonverbally communicate your needs to them. If you come in contact with someone who needs help, dispatch someone else to find their friends, or go on their phone, and call someone.

Rat them out

Find someone who they’ll respect, and get them taken out. Sometimes, you might find yourself in a position that could lead to you being seen as less than human. Find someone who sees you as a full and equal being, or make them fear your voice enough—and get this kind person to escort the offender away from you (and anyone else).

Stand your ground

If you see something, put yourself between the perpetrator and the person who needs your help—and don’t move. Find people to back you up. Then, calmly (but forcefully) explain why they need to get the hell away from you. Involve the hosts of the event or the hired security. Stay with the person needing held until they’re in an Uber with a trustworthy friend. If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation and are physically able, push the person off yourself, and shout “NO” for everyone to hear. Tell a bystander to do something directly, and be specific. Make eye contact, and ask them to help you. Don’t let them blend into the crowd.
In a less depressing world, this article would never need to be written. People would respect others, and they would understand what consent means, what boundaries are and what’s predatory vs. consensual. But, unfortunately, that’s not our campus reality. So, be a good human. Help others, help yourself—and don’t contribute to the problem.