Caution on campus: Hades’ work in progress

| Contributing Writer

So, you made it to Washington University. You walked by Brookings Hall and said, “Oh… that wasn’t in the brochure. Am I at the right building? Is there another Brookings? Who told me this app was ‘so convenient?’” Then you realized. You really were standing outside of Brookings. Looking down into the pits of hell. Maybe Wash. U.’s not “as advertised,” but you thought it was in the state of Washington for like a month, so what’s new? As you stood there, imagining Leslie Knope taking a nosedive down into our campus pit, you started to wonder, “What other hazards do I not know about?”

Mudd Field is going to be muddy: Sandals? Heels? White-as-my-upper-thigh sneakers? In that case, you might want to pay attention to those pesky “returfing in progress” signs. Your first trip across the marshes might be dry, but one day you’ll be standing in the center of Mudd Field on a tiny island of green, asking yourself, “Can I make that jump?” The answer is probably no.

Bikers: Some would say they’re the most hated people on campus. Off their vehicles, bikers are probably the nicest humans you’ll ever meet, but with two wheels between their legs they wield a terrifying power. Seeing a biker disappear behind a bush—and then not reappear on the other side—is just one of the harrowing accidents that can happen with those weapons of destruction. You’re in my thoughts, biker dude; you’re in my thoughts.

First-day-of-school romper: If you can’t get out of it without help, you’ll pee your pants. Listen to me. I know this. I just know.

Seigle Hall doors: You lift? Well you should start if you want to make it past this obstacle: doors so heavy you’ll pull a muscle. Don’t let your pride get the best of you. Tap that handicap button, if you need it. The person behind you will thank you.

Just Frat Row in general: YOU GET EST!!! YOU GET EST!!! YOU GET EST!!!

Olin Library construction: “Can I walk here? Do I need a hard hat? Wait, I don’t have a hard hat. Why is there a line? You let them go and not me? Is it because I’m a woman? It’s 10:09 a.m., I don’t have time for your games! Oh, you’re gonna body block me, huh?? Suck on th—”

Sitting in the left-handed seat as a right-handed person: Your shoulder will hurt, your back will hurt, your wrist will hurt and you will feel very very stupid. As you contort yourself into an almost Cirque du Soleil-like position, the soft-spoken left-handed girl sitting uncomfortably next to you will plan how to cut off your ponytail without you ever even knowing. And she’ll use her left hand to do it.

Using the automatic sensor water fountain: The water will overflow, and you’ll do that thing where you try to drink it really fast, and it spills down the front of your shirt. Then you’ll choke and start coughing, spewing spit-water everywhere. Once you get your breath back, you’ll laugh, trying to act like this never happens—how silly of you. You’ll hunch your shoulders as you shuffle into the bathroom, and tear up as you squat below the hand dryer trying to get the wet spot out of your shirt. Or maybe that’s just me…

Trying to catch that door: Getting out your ID card is a hassle. It’s difficult enough that you’d probably rather run and catch a door than fish a card out of your phone wallet. All I can say is to pay attention to where you’re running. The old side of the Athletic Complex, for example: Those floors are slick. One day you could end up looking at the ceiling, as a bruise forms on your backside, the spandex shorts under your skirt are out for all to see and laughter reverberates in your ears. When in doubt, walk it out.

Lab Sciences Room 300 stairs: If you don’t have a Jennifer Lawrence-circa-2013 Academy Awards tumble, are you even in General Chemistry?